So it’s around that time again, when everything starts to smell like cinnamon and nutmeg. Things seem to become sickly sweet, including the music. Every single kid in public is high on candy canes and over-stimulated by toy commercials. OK, so I’m not the biggest fan of Christmas. If you think that it only hurts your budget you’d be surprise how much it can cost your career and relationship with co-workers too.
Let me explain…
1. The creepy secret Santa
A lot of offices, in an attempt to help workplace moral and interpersonal bonding, have a secret Santa drawing. You basically draw a piece of paper from a Santa hat (good God we get it, it’s Christmas!) with the name of a co-worker on it. Then you have to buy something for that person. You are their secret Santa thus the unparalleled sublime genius in the naming of this tradition. Please don’t be the guy that buys see-through underwear and then says: “There you go Bob, it’s a present for both you and the missus, wink wink.” What’s wrong with a big tin full of popcorn or gift certificates to the closest franchise restaurant?
2. The Elf
Elf is a film starring Will Farrel where he is adopted by Santa Claus and his wife. For all intents and purposes he is basically an elf. He unfortunately grows out of his elf-digs and is forced to hilariously seek out his father in the grey city of New York. The whole premise of the movie is based on the fact that Elf has so much Christmas cheer he should be put out of his misery. In a really roundabout way, I’m trying to say don’t be the guy or gal that starts talking about Christmas in November or that starts decorating their cubicle in October. We know Christmas is coming. Stop.
3. The creepier Santa
Some offices have a jovial person dress up as the office Santa for the kids. Of course, as the Christmas party progresses, alcohol flows and, assuming this is a 1980’s situation comedy, the adults start sitting on pseudo-St. Nick’s lap. I beg of you pseudo-St. Nick, if you have any amount of alcohol in your system and you feel your inhibitions loosening, remove yourself. You are bound to make a sexual innuendo and best case scenario have to deal with the same worst case scenario while you get to visit the HR department for New Years.
4. Drunky Lushington
You like to get drunk, so do I. The difference is that I do it in a dark room wearing a tear stain onesie so no-one can see the embodiment of rock bottom. You on the other hand like to whip it out in public. Your drunkenness, that’s what I was talking about, what did you think I was talking about? Perv. Here’s the thing though, usually, if you get drunk in public you’re surrounded by strangers or a few friends that have already seen you at your worst. To your co-workers though, your just sweet little Rodney from accounting and once they see you become ‘Yo! Rod from the Block’ they’ll never see you the same again.
5. Drunky Lushington MMA edition
Some drunks laugh, dance and throw up in planters. You on the other hand turn into Rocky Balboa’s and George Bush’s love child. Dumb and ready to fight. Ask yourself who would be the first person you’d like to lay your hands on (in the office) if you didn’t care. Your boss you say? Now add alcohol. Wow! Now you magically don’t care and you take a crack at him. From office Santa to Mall Santa in 5 seconds.
6. Avoidable Office Romance
But wait there’s more! So little Rodney from accounts has now become ‘Rods the Boss-slayer’ and is looking for some romance. If others at the Christmas party have partaken in the libations you might actually find an eager participant in your philandering. After a hot and heavy session of making out in the broom closet, you walk out chest puffed-out and strutting. You sober up and then have to awkwardly say hello to Steve on Monday. Was it worth it ‘Rods’?
7. Christmas Raffles/Candy/Cookies for your kids’ school
This is even more frustrating when you don’t have kids of your own for retribution. Sure Christmas is the time of giving, but when twenty people sell you a $5 chocolate bar a piece, that’s a hundred bucks. I’m sorry but I would prefer to buy myself the latest version of ‘Deathmatch radical warfare murder bots VII’ than to sponsor your kid’s school to buy a new led-lit nativity scene. Call me selfish.
8. Cubicle decoration that plays music
Christmas decorations are fine; they’re good for a little change of environment and are generally cheerful and cute. Unless they play an annoyingly high pitched melody that can barely be recognized as the original Christmas song to begin with. I never understood those Christmas decorations to be honest with you. The frequency at which they play almost makes your jaw vibrate.
9. Decorations that Invade space
Again Christmas decorations are fine. The problem is that people don’t know where to draw the line. If I have to bat a stuffed animal out of my way every time I want to get to the bathroom, then your stuff is invading my space. If a sprig of pine tree hits my head every time I go the break room then by gosh I’m going to rip that sprig off and beat you with it.
10. The Mistletoe Misdemeanor
Do I even have to elaborate on this one it’s pretty self-explanatory. I will anyway, this is the dude that stands under the mistletoe and waits for a co-worker to pass under to ambush kiss them. When the usual ‘wtf’ is muttered, they smile and point to the mistletoe.
Have you been a Christmas offender of been offended by someone during Christmas? Then let us know in the comment section below.