Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
COMPANY CULTURE / JUL. 07, 2015
version 26, draft 26

10 Struggles Only Skinny People Will Understand

People look at you enviously as you have your seventh slice of pizza and say, “Look at that skinny motherf*cker scarfing down his seventh slice of pizza, while we sit here eating salad. I wish I could have his metabolism.” Well, they should know the struggle is real, yo. Being skinny isn’t as easy as you’d think. Every day is a struggle; every day is a battle not only with yourself but also with the elements. These are some of those real-world struggles only skinny people will understand.

See Also: 5 Struggles at Work Only Nerds Will Understand

1. The Broomstick Effect

Mickey Mouse Fantasia broomstick

A broom with buckets if you happened to be carrying groceries.

Being lithe is one thing, but being as skinny as you are makes your friends endlessly confuse you with electrical poles, saplings, fence posts, and broomsticks. It’s extremely frustrating, too, because you could be standing right there talking to them on your phone yelling, “I’m behind you, damn it!” and your friend responds, “I can’t see you, man. I’m standing next to this fencepost that looks just like you. Look, I’m waving, can you see me?” “Yes, I can see you, you jackass. I just told you: I’m right behind you! Fine… I’m the fencepost.”

2. The Toilet Tandem

Kitten

Henry! The cat can’t reach the toilet paper... a little help, please!

I Have Cat

Tall people have to help family, friends and co-workers with hard-to-reach items. People with small hands are usually asked to help get things that have fallen into hard-to-reach places. You’re usually asked to do something pretty crappy. Because you’re wafer thin and being the only member of the family that can fit under the door, if the toilet paper runs out, guess who gets to fetch it? Exactly – you.

3. Virtually Disappearing When Turned Sideways

Invisible man

Dude, you’re WAY too skinny.

deMilked

You cast a shadow like a stick figure so even your front view isn’t that substantial, but when you turn sideways you are so wispily thin that you practically disappear. Now that I think of it, that’s not all that bad, especially if you did something stupid and your boss/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is looking for you.

4. Clothes Shopping

Harem pants

COME ON! THIS IS A TODDLER’S X-SMALL!

Etsy

Clothes shopping can be a traumatic, disappointing and tedious process, no matter what your size. You find a piece of clothing you think will look cool, grab your size, go to the changing rooms and try it on, only to be bitterly disappointed by the fit. F*ck you, Spiderman shirt, I didn’t want you, anyway. Shopping for clothes when you’re thin, though, is practically impossible because your button-up shirt will always be bunched to hell at your waist, you have to loop a normal belt around your waist twice and no matter how small a size you get, your pants will always inevitably look like harem pants.

5. Battling the Elements

Base jumping

And that’s why you always wear a helmet outside.

AdventureRocket

To call you willowy would be a severe misnomer. No, you are beyond skinny and sometimes even a strong gust of wind can be a slight setback. You have missed significant meetings because those damn gusts of wind blew you back multiple blocks, often resulting in you being in the wrong side of town. On the upside, you can hastily escape just by opening your umbrella.

6. Slipping Through the Cracks - Literally

Caving

Damn it, Henry, why don’t you watch where you step?

Wikimedia Commons

You have to be significantly more aware of where you walk than the average person, because a small misstep can send you down a storm drain, hurtling in a torrential stream of dirty road run-off water towards a waste treatment plant. Luckily, the city officials usually get to you after the UV treatment phase, which always gives you a nice, golden glow.

7. By the Power of Grayskull

He-Man

BY THE POWER OF GRAAAAAYYYYYYSKUUUULLL!!!

blastr

Not being able to hang out with your blonde, bowl-cut, mullet-sporting gym addict buddy Adam because for some reason, every person over 27 that sees you together ecstatically yells, “Holy crap, look, man! It’s He-Man and Skeletor! By the power of Grayskull!”

8. It’s Not Your Fault

Paris Hilton eating a burger

Not jealous, too many STDs.

The Outhousers

Being the constant target of jealousy and loathing as you consume your third burger and milkshake, as the salad-munching fatty sitting next to you fumes. It gets really old, really quick.

9. Dead Man Walking Dead

Skeletons sitting at a table

Dude! What the hell?

Past is Present

Placing a bony hand on someone’s shoulder and them freaking out because they thought you were a member of the undead. Also, your friends being zombie show-watching idiots, which has nothing to do with you being skinny – it’s just a general gripe worth mentioning.

10. Mush!

 

Dog kit

OH. HELL, NO!

Amazon

Although there are many countries across the world that use dog sleighs to travel, getting frequently dragged off by dogs thinking you are a huge raw-hide bone isn’t the most enjoyable way to get from point A to point B.

Bonus: Losing Weight When Trying Not To

See Also: 5 Struggles at Work Only Selfish People Will Understand

Are you a skinny person? Do you have any other pet peeves to add to this list? Let us know in the comments section below!

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