WORK-LIFE BALANCE / APR. 19, 2015
version 7, draft 7

10 Things That Will Make You Feel Old

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Time rolls on and waits for no one. No matter how hard you try, how much plastic surgery you get or how much Botox you inject, time will come to carve those lines on your face. The people feeling the old burn the most now-a-days are the cloistered, sheltered, perpetual adult-sized children known as Millennials, Gen Y or Generation X. This is the age group that currently is in their 30s (some pushing close to 40), even though mentally they might be closer to 10. How do I know this? Because I am a full-fledge man-child member. Here are a few facts that made me run to the bathroom and secretly weep while I was writing this.

See Also: How to Use 90s Pop Culture for Career Success

90s shoes are back in fashion

Yep, you read that right fellow Gen Xer. Those clunky high-heel half shoes (called mules, live and learn right), over-buckled ankle boots that would feel at home at any grudge concert and the steve madden-esque clunkers that look like a biker boot had very awkward sex with a military boot and a platform resulting in an even more awkward love child. Oh and gladiator sandals….

Full House

The two adorable chimed in twins of Full House, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now a year away from being 30. Yep, those kids you remember from the John Stamos’ Hair Show as toddlers are now pushing 30. John Stamos (and his hair) on the other hand must sleep in moth balls and formaldehyde because he seems terrifyingly ageless.

Pizza Power as long as it’s whole grain, gluten and lactose free

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be 41 this year. To figure that out I took the earliest age where you can consider someone a teenager, 13 and added 28 years (that’s how long it’s been since the first episode aired in 1987). If we would take the age that most fans assumed they were during the early (and real) series, 16, they would be 44 today. 

Who ya gonna call? TELL ME WHO?!

Harold Ramis one of the primary writers of the Ghostbusters movies that also played Egon the egg-head of the Ghostbusters passed away last year. And if that didn’t leave a big enough hole in your heart, we also lost Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, Richard Attenborough (John Hammond, the character that created Jurassic Park), Marcia Strassman (Rick Morranis’ wife in Honey I Shrunk the Kids), Bob Hoskins (Eddie from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Shmee from Hook and regrettably Mario from The Super Mario Bros. movie) and Shirley Temple. Damn time, why you killing my Childhood heroes?

THE ULTIMATE WARRIORS DEAD TOO? SCREW YOU DEATH, SCREW YOU!

The Day the music got old

Genie in a Bottle is 15, Hit Me Baby One More Time is 16, and Everybody by the Backstreet Boys is 18 years old this year!

Harry Potter

I bet you were afraid to read this one huh? It just seems like yesterday when you went to the theaters to watch it huh? You can even remember that you ate Snowcaps and popcorn and that you were wearing your low rise jeans and cropped top. Yeah, that was 13 years ago.

Grunge is now considered Classic Rock

2015

It’s the year Marty McFly travelled to in the movie Back to the Future 2. We are so old now that we are living in the future.

The Simpsons

Bart would be 35 years old. If he was real. Or aged like no other cartoon has ever done. Unless it’s for a special episode, then I guess all cartoons have done it.

See Also: The Year of the Reboot - What You’ll See (Again) in 2015

Excuse me I am dry heaving because of the loss of my youth. If you feel the impulse, please comment in the section below, it doesn’t matter any way because we are all going to die eventually.

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