WEB & TECH / MAR. 09, 2015
version 5, draft 5

10 Weirdest Anti-Productivity Apps

So you’re in the office bored to the limits of sanity. Why try to avoid your inevitable fall into an altered mental state? These apps are so strange that even Kafka would say: “What the F, dude?” Here are some of the strangest anti-productivity apps.

See also: How Addicted To Your Smartphone Are You?

1. Zips Lite

A virtual zipper, which open and closes nothing. As a child I would zip the zipper up and down pretending that I was a DJ scratching, maybe you could use it like that? (I still do the DJ zipper thing today, if I’m going to be completely honest with myself).

2. Gym Shamer

Ever wanted a too-fit friend to make fun of your lack of motivation on social media? You haven’t? Well, with this app you will get that honest to goodness ‘holier than thou’ experience of having a gym rat as a friend. Not only will it berate you when you skip the gym, it will inform all your social media outlets when you opt for Doritos on the couch instead of pumping iron on a bench. For all to see.

3. Places I Pooped

If you’re not a souvenir type person and measure your worldliness by number of potties you’ve plopped down on, then this is the app for you. It tracks your ‘away games’ and puts points on a map so you will never forget that bad seafood fettuccini you had in Rome.

4. Tap That

An app that lets you f**k your friends phone with yours. Do I need to elaborate?

5. Electric Shaver

This is an on-screen electric shaver, you press the button and your phone starts to buzz. Now why would you want an app like that?

6. iHobo

Back in the wild 90’s we had a toy called a Tamagotchi. It was basically a monochrome critter that you fed, petted and played with or ignored and it died. So this app is essentially the same, but with a human analogy and he’s a transient. Feed your homeless person, get him shelter and help him stay away from drugs. Or go out in the real world and do that, I have a feeling it would be more rewarding.

7. 30 Second Life

A pixelated avatar stands between two buttons that are labeled ‘work’ you successively push them to grow your baby to age in thirty seconds. The faster you push the buttons the faster your little man gains success.

8. Hang Time

Do you have the newest 7.000 dollar iPhone? Then why don’t you throw it in the air and see how long it takes to hit the ground? An added bonus is that you will look complete nutjob throwing your phone higher and higher in the air, until you drop it and finish the game. At least without a phone you’ll finally get some work done you lazy, incompetent slob.

9. Death Talk

Do you have an emotional messy teen niece or nephew? If you don’t, this app could easy replace the darkness of a cynical 15 year old that thinks not having the right hair product is a message from the universe. This app only talks about death while showing you dark images of hell, heavy metal albums and dark gothic stuff. Sorry, I couldn’t find an image.

10. Karoshi

So from a 30 Second Life to the need to escape the mortal coil. You play Karoshi, an over-worked businessman that thinks the only way to escape from the day to day drudgery is to end his life. So instead of a game that you try to stay alive in this one you try to die.

See also: Does Your Business Really Need an App?

Do you have any other additions to this bizarre list? Let me know in the comment section below. 

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