Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / MAR. 25, 2015
version 3, draft 3

4 Jobs for the Criminally Insane


So, you have a high I.Q. and no moral compass, but you need to make a living like every other potential victim in this world. Unfortunately, you know what’s going to happen: you’re going to get hired, everyone’s going to say you give them the creeps, and then one day your boss is going to find you smoking on the loading dock covered in pig’s blood and feces. How can you keep a job when people wrongfully judge you like that? Well, here are some jobs perfect for the criminally insane.

See also: Perfect Jobs for a Psychopath

1. Work in an institution for the criminally insane

What better place to be employed than amongst your peers and with enough power to satisfy your God complex? Institutions like these are violent, unregulated and unstaffed; an added benefit to working in a place like this is if you have the impulse to douse yourself in pig’s blood and feces, staff wouldn’t even bat an eye. You might even get some ‘mental health days’ for it. If only they knew that it would take sixteen lifetimes of sick days to get you straight.

2. Crime scene photographer

Get paid to photograph chaos, blood and gore; what else could please your dark and twisted soul? The salary isn’t that great at around $30.000 a year, but you only need an associate’s degree to do it, you have access to evidence so you can cover your trail and – who knows? – you might end up photographing one of your own crimes scenes. I mean a crime you committed.

3. Forensic pathologist


Kind of on the tail of the above entry, a forensic pathologist looks for victims of crime’s cause of death. Think about the exciting prospective of seeing the human body in various levels of decomposition, a cornucopia of dismemberment, serious bodily injury and death, and the salary will keep you in rope and duct tape for years at 80.000 to 200.000 dollars a year or more. Just remember that showing too much joy for your job might make people suspicious.

4. Museum of Death curator

Although they aren’t hiring at the moment (I’m sure you could fix that with your ‘skills’), the Museum of Death in Hollywood, California would be the perfect place for a sick, little puppy-like you. It boasts the largest collection in the world of serial killers’ artwork, photos from the Charles Manson murders, autopsy shots for the Black Dahlia murders, execution devices, and a coffin and body bag collection. You will be amongst the artifacts of your idols; what else could a murderous maniac want? Well, except to murder.

See also: How to Make a Fortune Marrying a Serial Killer

Sure, all these jobs are a viable option for anyone that is a bit off their rockers but, ultimately, as death stares every single one of us in the face, we need to do what pleases us. Unless it’s illegal or it hurts people or it infringes on other people’s rights. I know I just stole your thunder, but I’m just covering my ass here. I wouldn’t want to be bulked in with video games, rock music and horror movies as things that corrupt the young and impressionable.

Are there any other jobs that you might consider doing? Let me know in the comment section below.

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