WORKPLACE / AUG. 16, 2015
version 9, draft 9

5 Lessons Kids Can Teach Us About Work

The world is overpopulated, threatening the sustainability of Earth in the next 50 years. Yet people still insist on making small, screaming, snot-nosed copies of themselves – it’s not their fault, though. I mean, all animals have an ingrained biological mechanism to continue their species and share their DNA – no matter how undesirable or detrimental it is to our own species.

Even though they will sit and directly stare at you at the supermarket checkout line, making you feel more uncomfortable than a Christian at an Islamic State job fair, maybe there’s something these little hellions can actually teach us. Just like you can learn a thing or two from your dog about work, kids can teach us a few lessons, too.

See Also: 5 Most Important Life Lessons You Learn at School

1. Scream to Get What You Want

Once you grow into an (admittedly cognitively underdeveloped) adult, certain social conventions start mandating your day-to-day social interactions. One such social convention is that adults are generally not allowed to roll around on the ground kicking and screaming if they don’t get what they want. Is it such a bad idea, though? What happens when a kid throws a tantrum in public? Usually, a very embarrassed parent either a) promptly removes child from said public space, or b) said parent gives said child what it is screaming for (especially if said demand is feasible like a candy bar or a small baggy of cocaine).

So, if we take that completely non-empirical data, we can extrapolate that if you fall to the floor and start spitting, cussing, kicking and biting when you lose out a promotion to a much more capable, sane candidate, your supervisor will a) promptly remove you from the space with the help of a mental health orderly, or b) give you the promotion to shut you up. Try it for yourself, but I take no responsibility as to which of the two scenarios will be the outcome.

2. Bodily Fluid Optimization

Everyone loves picking up cooing infants, making funny faces at them, talking to them like they’ve suffered a serious head injury, and shaking jingly things in front of their faces. What happens though when the baby craps its pants, vomits or wets itself? The person entertaining the small human at the time promptly returns the offspring to the father/mother/guardian with extended arms and a disgusted facial expression. When it comes to adults, meanwhile, the only person that needs to know about one’s bodily functions is the same person enacting them (of course, we are always talking about relatively sober adults as those drinking alcohol can only reverse this paradigm).

This, in my opinion, is an underutilization of resources – case in point is the story of the pooping intern which used her uncontrolled bodily functions to her advantage. According to Gawker, one summer intern had a bowel-related emergency but was incapable of accessing the facilities. Unable to hold it, she relieved herself throughout the hallways of NBC’s headquarters at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, finally locking herself in an empty office and finishing the deed in a pile of UPS boxes. The next day she showed up and completed her summer internship; the managing staff was so horrified by the incident and the fact that she returned that they didn’t even confront her. And that’s how you make poop work for you.

3. The Distractor Factor

Children are notorious for their short attention spans: you can leave them sitting on the couch watching some sort of animated visual cacophony and return two minutes later to find them trying to feed your new Xbox One gummy bears while whipping it with its destroyed HDMI cable.

First, I would like to create a sovereign gamer-populated nation in which any destructive action against a gaming machine is punishable by death. Second, I would like to point out that no matter what those children were doing beforehand, their new endeavor grossly overshadowed it.

Your boss doesn’t keep his Xbox One in the office, you say? Well, it seems you’ve completely lost the point. Let me clarify. So, you’ve inevitably messed up, right? (Of course you did; you faked your qualifications, forged your diploma and fluffed up your work experience. How does being a toilet manufacturer make you a “Siphon and fluid dynamics specialist”?) Well, instead of being an adult and owning up to a mistake you made in designing a water-heater release valve that resulted in multiple lawsuits, when the manager calls you into his office and starts berating you and threatening you with legal action, find the most expensive object in his office and start messing with it. This will make your manager worry about his expensive possession and allow you to leave. Although it won’t save you from the lawsuit, it will definitely stave off your termination for a bit.

4. Play Hard, Don’t Work

Adult life is a droning, soul-crushing affair. The most obvious culprit is work, but here is where the paradox lies. They say a happy employee is a good employee, right? But work sucks the joy out of life faster that a vampire sucks blood out of am enamored teenager. How can you be happy if you work? Well, I propose we take a page out of the book “I’m a Kid, I Crap My Pants and I’m Still Happy” and play exponentially more than we work.

We need to approach work as play. Remember when we were kids and some of us would be firefighters, others police, bankers, store owners, etc.? We’d have all the amenities we do now; they would just be done by people without prior knowledge or education! Once society completely implodes and all financial systems cease to exist, then we would be completely free to do whatever we want, whenever we want.

5. Kids Brought the End of Civilization

So, as you can see, kids can’t be trusted for anything. Just taking cues from them can result in the destruction of society, so I come back to my initial thought: kids are evil, little manipulative things. Sure, without them humanity would cease to exist, but if you really think about it, what has humanity done for you other than get in your way when shopping and put a hole in the ozone layer?

Maybe we should reconsider the important role kids have in our society and just concentrate all our attempts at engineering full-grown adults. I know kids are cute, but after a decade of people being exempt from changing dirty diapers and not getting paid for it, I’m sure we will eventually find another source of cuteness. Like puppies or kitties or puppy-kitty hybrids which we’ll call pukits or kitups or something equivalently futuristic.

See Also: Zombie Shmombie - The Real Threat is Unvaccinated Germ Cesspools (Kids)

Do you have any other methods that we should adopt at work which are inspired by children? Let us know in the comments section below!

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