SOCIAL MEDIA / AUG. 12, 2015
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5 Reasons Why Social Media Marketing Fails to Innovate

Sharing everything on social media is an inseparable part of modern life; so much so that it even affects our minds. For Pete Sake’s even porn has share buttons; as if anyone in the history of internet porn said: “You know what, this is a noteworthy video with high production value, I want my friends to know that I enjoy Mechanophilia”. Feel free to click on that link it’s just a Wikipedia page (or is it [evil laugh]). Honestly though we really haven’t seen any real innovation when it comes to social media marketing. Since I’m a creative person though, I thought I’d share my ideas, innovations and schemes with the uncreative social media marketing masses. You’re welcome, and I will need a cut of the profits if any of these harebrained ideas actually work.

Like-Humanism

Innovation is looking beyond your field of expertise and comfort zone for inspiration, and obviously social media companies don’t; lucky for you I do. This is based on the relatively recent philosophy of Transhumanism that believes that the next big evolutionary jump of humanity will be a result of technological bio-augmentation. OK, so in retrospect that seems really convoluted. Basically, these guys want to wire us up like Christmas trees to increase our physical and cognitive capabilities. It’s a herculean task too, because although we have working prototype exoskeletons that can assist someone in lifting hundreds of pounds, they still need umbilical cords to their power sources and thus are not autonomous. Unless, of course, you want to use your newly augmented lifting power to carry around hundreds of pounds of batteries. Let’s not even get into the brain augmentation. One of the main requisites of which is being able to understand the brain, which we don’t.

So, instead of bothering with all that complicated, super science-y stuff, why not augment humans to interact with the real world as they would with the social media world. Instead of going on a boring flat screened device and clicking likes, or favorite-ing a tweet, why not make a thumbs up gesture that would trigger sensors to do it for you? Sure it would look a little strange holding up your phone in front of you, giving it the thumbs up, then scrolling a little, pausing, giving it another thumbs up all while having coffee with your date, but if everyone is doing it then it won’t be that strange right? It even has viral potential because if fashion has proven anything, nobody wants to look like an idiot by themselves.

Instagram Vest-a-hat

Wearables are all the rage, but they just don’t seem to integrate social media enough. I mean sure you’ll find an app that will show you all the pictures your friends share, all the motivational quotes your fre-enemies (those are enemies that are your friends on Facebook) share (that you like to scoff at) and all the couples’ selfies which remind you on a daily basis how lonely and dark your life is. But, I think social media hasn’t tapped into the potential of wearables enough and the manufacturers of wearables are thinking too small.

Why pause your meal to unlock your phone, open an app, take a picture and share it on Instagram when you can have a device array that will do it for you. My proposed Instagram Vest-a-Hat will be equipped with a camera, biometric sensors (specific to digestion) and will be internet enabled. The moment the biometric sensors show a fluctuation in your stomach acids and saliva production it will take pictures of whatever is in front of you and automatically upload it to Instagram. This will give you the ability to mock your friends that only take pictures of food they deem pretty. That’s sooo 2015 grandpa!

The Path Most Taken

Like I mentioned above people like to share everything, but this is a gross over-estimation. We don’t share our most intimate moments, medical procedures or personal life. That’s why Facebook is so boring. At the same time we know everyone that takes a purse-lipped selfie is just a touch narcissistic. And these narcissists want their fifteen minutes of fame, an absolute surefire way to do that is by making a sex tape. So why not combine people’s need for porn, their addiction to Facebook and their narcissism to create a mega sharing site where only intimate videos can be shared? Too pervy? Well no one asked you Gwen Goody Two Shoes. For the people that want to share everything.

Med-Tube

Have you ever had a colonoscopy and wanted to tell the world?! Well, me either. But there are bound to be a group of people out there that would be more than thrilled to take their followers along for the bodily fluid drenched ride, which sounds like a hellish version of the Logdrop. Honestly though maybe innovation can come from ignoring all social taboos and creating something that would challenge even the most hardcore fan.

Just think about it though, what is more viral than an actual virus? An added benefit to this is that we will no longer be subject to Fishbooking (which is when people fish for attention by sharing a status that reads: “In the hospital L L L”) and Vaguebooking (which is similar to Fishbooking but with vague statuses that such as: “Meh, I didn’t need that finger anyway.” which illicit endless “OMG WHAT HAPPENED?” “I’ll be praying for you!” “OH NO” etc.) Also, when would social media be useful for training new medical personnel? Welcome, the Med-Tube era ladies and gentlemen.

Lack of Cross-Platform Collaboration

See the only thing that is needed to bring Med-Tube to life is a cross-platform collaboration between Twitter, Instagram, WebMD and YouTube. Sadly, there is a discerning lack of collaboration between social media sites and that’s probably why their creativity has stagnated like a mosquito infested swamp (bad analogy but just go with it).

Say Twitter and Vine collaborated, with Twitter allowing only 7 sec tweets (as in tweets that can be written or read in 7 sec, I leave it up to the Twitter execs to decide, I’m just an idea man here) and Vines that can only contain 140 characters. Its viral potential is through the roof because you will be getting everyone on Vine to use Twitter and everyone on Twitter to use Vine. They already are? Well like I said you guys need to figure out the minute boring details I’m just an idea man.

Are there any other creative social media ideas that you would like to add? Please help the industry innovate and let me know in the comment section below.

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