Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
CAREER DEVELOPMENT / JUL. 21, 2015
version 7, draft 7

5 Things That Go Through Your Head When You're Called Into the Manager's' Office

Work is stressful; it’s a known and scientifically proven fact. According to Forbes, more than half of the U.S.A. work force (52.3%) is unhappy with their current job. Judging from all the neurotic, overly aggressive commuters I encounter on my merry way to work, I’m going to say that that number is a gross underrepresentation, but unfortunately I am not a statistician so my opinion doesn’t count for much. Anyway if you are member of that discontented majority, then you know that when the boss wants to talk to you, its usually to chew you out for something you didn’t do, forgot to do, or just plain refused to do. These are 5 things that go through someone’s head when their called by the Big Man (not God you zealot).

See Also: How to Work for an Idiot

First, it’s worth defining the two different types of employees we are going to be talking about The lazy slacker and the useless peon. If you are a slacker the set of things that you will be worried about will be very different from the peon type of employee. How you ask? Well, a slacker won’t do his/her work, will goof off in every imaginable and creative way whereas a useless peon on will do everything asked/demanded of him/her but badly. So let’s make that distinction.

Lazy

“Did the boss find out I was sleeping in the A/C ducts again?”

This is another distinction I forgot to make in the intro, Lazy/Slacker employees will tend to be habitual offenders, as in they will usually be caught for the same infractions multiple time. The thing is that although the infraction might be the same, the format will differ entirely from slack-incident to slack-incident. For example: a Slacker employee will indubitably be caught multiple times for sleeping on the job. The ruse will start at an acceptable location, say under their cubicle’s desk.

As they continue to get caught, the napping/hiding place will become more and more elaborate to the point that it would be easier to call in sick, than bother going onto the roof, shimming down the A/C exhaust fans like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, and catching 40 winks in the vents above the drop ceiling. On the other hand lazy can’t be bothered with being smart.

“Did my activity log show that I spent 8 hours of overtime last week playing candy crush?”

Look if you’re going to sit in front of your computer ceaselessly you might as well do some work. I understand that work can be tedious boring and monotonous especially when you are a ticker-tape spell checker, but come on! You are basically stealing by not being productive and top of it your spamming all your friends with requests to play candy crush (don’t do it man it’s a slippery slope of virtual sweets so addictive Aronofsky could make a movie out it).

Yes, your guilty and you deserve to sit in that pit of anxiety that you have dug out yourself by endlessly swiping candy out of existence…you spamming bastard.

“Is my boss looking for my four month backlog of reports?”

Procrastination is the wheel-house of the slacker. Hiding it is another talent. Anytime you ask anything of the slacker/lazy employee you can expect to get a rapid fire response with a frantic soliloquy of how busy they are, how much work they have to do (which is not untrue though, they do have mounds and mounds of work, work which they should have done) and how everyone needs something from them (yes, everyone needs them to do their work).

One fine karmic day though if they fall far enough behind the Boss Lady/Man will need answers. Yes my dear Slacker one day you will be so far behind that you will start a chain reaction that will reach all the way to the top and then you will have to answer why you have brought the entire company to screeching halt. That’s all you dude, all you.

Peon Perspective

“What does this f**ker want again”

For the listless peon everything and I mean everything is a Herculean chore. They’ll do what they’re told, but they do it with so much complaining, whining and moaning that they might as well have been a competitor on “World’s Biggest Whiner” (look smarty-pants I know that simile sucks, but you try to find something that indicate a superlative amount of complaining). On top of that they are extremely vocal with their discontent creating a toxic atmosphere that could rival multiple hardy antibiotic resistant bacteria.

So when they are called to the Boss’ office, they will release a grunt loud enough to express to anyone in the general proximity that they will be subjected to this inhuman burden, this cruel and unusual punishment. Even though it’s just a routine how-do-you-do by upper management, to motivate employees and hear their concerns regarding the smooth working of the office.

“God-D*mn it what did I do again?”

The Peon Employee is bound to have a dark and cynical perspective on the world, which will inevitably encompass their work responsibilities. They will always expect to have f*cked up no matter what the tone of the communication involved that summoned them in front of the boss.

Even if the boss was jovial and said “Hey Peon So-and-So I’ve got great news could you come to the office?” their response will most likely be something along the lines of: “The only good news would be if that slimy bastard had a revolver and a bullet with my name on it”. Come on, you know the type of person I’m talking about. Even if you don’t, you will at some point during your professional career.

See Also: Just Act Smarter, You’ll Be Fine

What goes through your mind when the boss wants to talk to you? Let me know in the comment section below and remember you could be called in for a promotion. AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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