You may be an incoming freshmen and want to brace yourself for the sorcery that goes on, or you’ve already encountered these 6 people. Every college student has come across these individuals one way or another their freshmen year. Don’t be one of these people.
1. The Shower Fiend
Everybody knows this guy. He may be that grease ball down the hall or possibly even your roommate. This is the guy who uses the shower at least 4 times a day. Everybody on the floor probably already gave this guy some sort of nickname. The Shower Fiend takes a shower whenever he comes back from his 5 daily jogs or maybe even whenever he sneezes. He may suffer from a severe case of germaphobia, but we will never know. Every time you attempt to shower, this guy is always holding it down in the bathroom.
2. Pube Bandit
You may or may not have experienced this guy before and I pray you never do. This is more likely to happen to guys but hey, anything can happen. The pube bandit simply has no regard for anyone else’s safety in the dorm. This serious crime deserves police involvement. Nothing ruins someone’s day more than opening the shower curtain to reveal a surplus of another man’s trimmed forest.
3. Weekend Regurgitator
This guy sucks, nothing more and nothing less. You go out for the weekend, enjoy yourself and then come back to hit the hay. You awaken to the Sunday morning birds chirping away. You proceed to go to the bathroom and notice that little Rickey next door didn’t make it to the bathroom on time...again. There is a pile of upchucked dining hall food spread out in front of his door. The aroma in the hallway is something similar to fresh roadkill mixed with a hint of 3 month expired hummus. After experiencing this on multiple occasions I believe that all cleaning ladies deserve a raise.
4. Dining Hall Gamer
No matter what time you head out to grub, this specimen is always stationed at the same table in the cafe. Headphones in, glasses on and shoes off so you know it’s real. You always see this kid in the dining hall playing League of Legends or some sort of outdated computer game, but never eating. Many believe that he sleeps there but nobody knows for sure.
5. Musical Chair Mike
There are no assigned seats in college, but you and your friends have sat in the same seat every class for the majority of the semester. One class, you and your buddy arrive a few minutes later than usual and there she blows. Mike is sitting right there in your seat. You check your phone to see if you missed the musical chair day memo but nothing shows. When you were young he was the kid at the party or class that went a little too hard. Mike would jump around, scream and sweat a good 2,000 calories all from a 5 minute game of musical chairs. This was the kid your mother told you to stay away from.
6. Upstairs Neighbors
Some happen to be lucky enough to live on the top floor so they don’t have to deal with this necromancy. 3 A.M flag football games to an intramural hopscotch match above, waking you up at 7 in the morning. You don’t know what goes on upstairs. There could be a Home Depot hardware store up there for all you know. It sounds like the Iron Giant is running laps around the room, each step sounds like 3 tons of boulders are being dropped. Many sleepless nights and studying in the room is just completely out of the question.
These people are as real as it gets. I have met each of them and they have made my first year a bit of a struggle, but I managed. Good riddance to these 6 people and good luck to all future freshmen.