So you have left behind the life of a pimply adolescent teenager and have successfully transitioned into a pimply adolescent-minded adult, one of the main requisites of being an adult is moving out of your parents’ house and living on your own. Enter college, the land of milk and Jager, the hallowed halls where knowledge (and crippling debt) is found. A lot of people think that college is all sex, booze and hungover lectures, but it’s hard out there for a young co-ed. And no one knows this better than you, these are struggles only University Students will understand.
A night full of WOOOHOOOs, guttural brotastic YEAAAAAAAHS!!! and throat burning shots of Aftershock can wreak havoc on one’s vocal chords. The next day you sound like the love child of Kathleen Turner and Mickey Rourke, and look worse. Although college campus’ social standards for appearance are at best loose, trying to compose yourself enough so you don’t look like an extra on the Walking Dead is close to impossible.
It’s not like you can’t woohoo after every shot of Sambuca, what would everyone think? Fitting in is hard enough without having to deal with the indignation of not fist pumping hard enough to throw your shoulder out and yelling yeah every time Sweet Home Alabama comes on. The struggle is real y’all.
Monday No-Money Madness at Da Ballz, Tequilla Tuesdays at El Matador, Wet Wednesdays at The Bar Time Forgot, Thirsty Thursdays at Deez Nutz Bar and Grill, Frisky Fridays at well, Fridays and then Pitcher Me Timbers at One Eyed Willies on Saturday and Sunday. It’s mind boggling how much liquor you can consume when it’s being sold for just pennies on the dollar. It’s also exhausting, trying to keep up with what bar has Quarter Beers and Nickel Shots.
On top of that you need to keep up with Alpha Kappas (Kappa Yaba Do!) and those guys drink like prohibition is going to be declared tomorrow. Sure, your GPA is suffering, you’re on academic probation and look like you’re 18 pushing 40, but you’ve got to keep your priorities straight. Drinking is paramount to the college experience, grades and taunt skin be damned.
What food? You live on a diet of Red Bull, Starbucks and sugar packets, how else could you afford to go out every night? And yet you still look amazing. Well, if you overlook the dark circles and bags under your eyes, the baby beer fr-pooch (that’s a front pooch reminiscent of a fanny pack) you’re developing and your bowing legs as a result of rickets. Other than that, though, you look awesome.
As I mentioned above the aesthetic standards for a college student’s attire is pretty lenient. This is where the struggle comes in. Although people aren’t especially discerning in regards to neck beards caked in Dorito crumbs at their 7 a.m. ECON101 lecture, you would never get laid with facial hair that extends beyond your jaw-line decorated with food remnants at 9 pm in a college bar. And getting laid is another practice paramount to the college experience.
How do you know what time is neck-beard appropriate? Rule of thumb, if alcohol is in close proximity a neck beard is not ok…Oh, you carry alcohol with you at all times? You don’t say? That’s when a neck beard isn’t appropriate: all the time. How do I know this? I have seen numerous neck beard wearers go through their entire college experience without getting laid once (or so I assume).
The cost of buying college books is ridiculous. Ludicrous. Outrageous. That’s why you have created a one-man passive resistance movement by refusing to buy any books, instead investing it in “brewmasters’ retirement fund” A.K.A. cheap beer. This creates a unique and unforeseen situation, though. Without books, you don’t know the material that is going to be on the exam and by not going to class you don’t know when the exam is going to be anyway (it’s a horrible Catch 22) due to paying heavily into the “brewmasters’ retirement fund” the night before.
You save money and spend it on a much more noble cause (to your liver’s detriment) but at the same time that noble cause is making you miss out on learning…which has something to do with the college experience. But I still have to discern if it is paramount or not to said college experience.
On top of the excessive drinking, the excessive drinking (I repeated that on purpose), going to the first week of classes and once mid-semester, so people don’t think you dropped out/passed on. You might need to find yourself a college appropriate job. For it to be ideal it mustn’t intervene with aforementioned excessive drinking or excessive drinking, it must not be physically or mentally taxing (because you need those last few brain cells the drinking left behind to get a barely passable grade in the one class you haven’t dropped out of yet) and have an abundance of the opposite sex (or same dependent on your preference) in the form of customers or co-workers you can awkwardly hit on. The ideal locations to get a college job in are: coffee shops, bookstores and movie theaters. I mean how hard can it be to deal with a hangover and hundreds of screaming kids at the next Pixar premier?
What love life? When you’re not drunk you’re hungover and when you’re not hungover…actually you’re always hungover, never mind. Perpetually nursing a hang-over while holding a job, going out every night and acting like you’re in college is extremely time-consuming. Relationships need a huge dedication of time and effort…hey, stop making B-52s are you even listening to me?! Sure I’ll take a shot, ok so as I was saying, time…something, relationships. Sure I’ll have a shot of Sambuca. Oh, you lit it on fire how quaint. OH MY GOD I’M ON FIRE!!!
I apologize, but your current author stripped completely naked to “streak on the quad” while still smoking from the Sambuca incident. If you would like to add anything about your own college experience and the struggles of being a student, please feel free to leave your comments in the section below.