We all participate in the daily grind, no matter how begrudgingly or enthusiastically. We all wake up in the morning, get ready, get in or on our preferred mode of transport (be it one-wheeled, two-wheeled, four-wheeled, or marsupial), and rush off to our respective workplaces. Then we spend the majority of our day doing things that others tell us to for financial compensation, return home, and repeat the whole process another four times a week if we’re lucky (or another five times if we’re less lucky, or another six times if our lives completely suck). No matter how different and individual we are, there are some things that ring true for every single rat-thlete in the rat race. These are just some emotions everybody experiences during the workday.
Yes, the moment we get to our occupational destination, we need to greedily suckle at the Colombian goddess’ sweet caffeinated teat (or unsweetened; everybody has a different teat-suckling preference, and I respect that). If you haven’t deciphered that initial hyperbole, that magnificent piece of purple prose, what I was trying to say is that almost everyone needs a little caffeinated kick in the morning. Otherwise, your office becomes filled with shambling, mumbling shells of the people you previously knew. That’s probably why you don’t like The Walking Dead: it reminds you of that time when the coffee machine broke and everyone just shuffled around until Nancy said: “Staaaarbuuuucks” to which everyone groaned in agreement and sprinted off. If you are the type of weird person that doesn’t like coffee, then just ignore this entry but know that I will be watching you. I seriously question whether people that don’t drink coffee even have souls… how can you live like that?!
2. Not Sure If I’m Hungry or Bored
As I’ve mentioned in a different article about detoxifying your brain, I believe that the brain is a complete and utter asshole. “Why?!” you ask indignantly. Well, this is another example that will further prove my theory.
Are you usually moving when you’re bored? Nope. Then why the hell is hunger the brain’s first reaction to boredom? You don’t need to be a biologist to know that if you eat and don’t move, you get fat. Also, you don’t need to be a biologist to know that if you keep getting fat, you can die. SO WHY THE HELL DOES THE BRAIN TELL YOU TO EAT WHEN YOU’RE BORED?!
The last thing you need during inactivity is calories. You’re guaranteed to ask yourself at some point during the day “Am I really hungry or just really bored?” Anyway, that’s my monthly brain-hate; I think I’ve hit my quota, so we can move on now.
3. I Should Really Drink More Water
As you’ve probably already noticed, all cognitive activity takes place during the workday, but very little is actually dedicated to work. Well, this one is – going to the restroom – in a weird technical sense. You know what all the benefits of drinking water are – this is not Vogue, Mademoiselle, GQ or Maxim, so I won’t delve into it too much.
The problem is that the body is somewhat of a bio-machine: you put stuff into it and it creates energy and byproducts. The more you put into the biological energy plant, the more byproducts you get. So the more water you drink, the better for you it will be (there are caveats, of course, like multiple visits to the bathroom or dying from drinking too much).
Your hasty narrow-strode trips to the commode will eventually raise some eyebrows, and if they become too frequent, your boss might start taking note. Eventually, it will lead up to a very embarrassing meeting in which you will have to explain why you get up from your desk so often, leading to a flashback of a traumatic childhood experience and windmill slapping a dumbfounded supervisor. Each person’s experience may vary.
4. The Afternoon Zone-Out
OK, so this isn’t really a thinking thing; it’s more of a complete lack of thinking. It’s that moment when the chitchat of your colleagues slowly turns into indecipherable sounds, your peripheral vision starts to darken, and you start lethargically and mechanically doing your job. A warm, fuzzy feeling starts rising from your belly – like the feeling you get right before you fall asleep – and in the most extreme form of the afternoon zone-out, you might even start nodding off.
5. Getting It Together: Phase One
So, after the afternoon zone-out, you try to shake it off, clap, and slap your cheeks like they do in the movies when someone’s fainted, but to no avail. So you get up, shuffle over to the kitchen, and make yourself a blistering hot cup of coffee. This process becomes infinitely more dangerous the more lethargic you are, and could result in you absentmindedly touching the hellishly hot mug, spilling scalding hot water on your hand, or permanently destroying your taste buds by haplessly sipping on the steaming hot coffee you made. You embrace the pain though, because if it’s anything that can hypothetically kick your ass into gear, it’s a sharp jolt of pain.
6. Getting It Together: Phase Two
So, after your encounter with the perils of making and drinking red hot coffee, you are a little more awake but still stuck in the afternoon doldrums. Scientists have proven that the first two hours of the workday are the most productive, but I beg to differ. Because the moment your eye drifts down to the clock in the lower right corner of your computer and you realize that you have three hours’ worth of work left and only have an hour and a half to do it, a switch in your brain flips and you go all A Beautiful Mind (you know, the part where he imagines numbers, graphs and equations floating in space solving themselves; or maybe that’s in The Hangover? Anyway, you get my point). Your mind starts warping time and space, and within about 45 minutes of dedicating every possible cognitive resource to your daily tasks, you are not even remotely close to finishing your work.
7. Now It’s Time to Panic
At this point, you accept your losses and come to the realization that there is nothing beautiful about your mind (you should have listened to me; I told you it was an asshole). You surrender to the fact that there is no way in hell you’ll manage to cramp two and half hours of work into the remaining 45 minutes of work… wait, if you were working for 45 minutes, how did you manage to only get 30 minutes of work done? Anyway, let your boss figure that one out.
For the remaining amount of time, you sit at your desk mentally screaming at the clock to hurry up, because there is a tall, cool Redheaded Slut with your name on it, waiting for you at home. The clock ticks minute by minute and you swear every minute that passes makes the next minute even longer… here’s a little tip: maybe if you actually worked, it would help time go by.
When that last bastard minute that took an eternity to come finally ticks, joy starts bubbling up from the deepest points of your psyche, making you as giddy as a schoolboy in a fireworks store. You give yourself an extra five-minute buffer and suppress every fiber in your body not to skip out of work smiling. You wish everyone a nice evening and go home to be warmed by you delectable Redheaded Slut.
See Also: Can You Actually Train Your Brain?
Did I miss any other feelings that you might experience during the workday? Let me know in the comments section below!