We all have one, and we all love to use it. What did you think I meant by ‘one’? Yeah, that ‘one’ the thing between your legs, I’m not trying in any way to be coy about what I mean. It’s great being an everyday Shmoe when you have the impulse to use your ‘one’, worst case scenario it costs you a break-up and maybe a few broken plates (that were zealously thrown at you).
If you happen to be a member of the upper echelons of society though it could cost you a little bit more. Best case scenario is that you lose your career (it be political or influential) and be paraded in public like a two cent pony with a pink mane. The worst case scenario is you might actually lose your head. As in literally, not figuratively, be released of the very strong ties with that oddly shaped thing that houses your brain.
The Reason England Broke Away from Rome and Catholicism
The infamous, gout-ridden, Henry the 8th, King of England from 1509-1547, was very fond of…..removing the royal cod-piece. The problem is that he would be married most times he relinquished said cod-piece. Such was the case with his first wife Catherine of Aragon and his next wife, Anne Boleyn.
This scandal was so huge that it resulted in Horny Henry being excommunicated from the Catholic Church and England being relinquished from the Papal Authority. Much like what you would hear on a midnight infomercial though, wait there’s more! The reason the Pope had a hissy fit and in turn made Henry say: “F*ck it I’ll make my own Church and I’ll be Pope-King, I’ll show you stupid Pope!” was the fact that he annulled his wedding with Catherine and declared his union with Anne.
Pope’s don’t like that kind of funny business. After Henry took a spill from a horse, he kind of had his eggs scrambled. Which resulted in Anne losing the very desirable male heir to the throne, due to shock, and she was accused of treasonous adultery with her brother and five other men.
The group of treasonous adulterers were taken to the Tower of London and dispatched. That’s one way to avoid alimony payments (beheading to avoid paying the mother of your children, child support or alimony is not endorsed, recommended or advocated by Soteris Phoraris or careeraddict.com).
Lyndon B. Johnson and Jumbo
Lyndon Johnson is famous for holding the U.S. presidency concurrently with U.S.’s military operations in Vietnam. But death, destruction and loss of human life is such a downer. Another thing Johnson was famous for was Jumbo. I’ll let you take a guess as to what Jumbo was a euphemism for. Here’s a hint, he loved to whip it out in public and urinate, publicly grope it through his pants on the Senate floor and had pants tailor for more room for “Jumbo”.
No, it wasn’t a plush banana LBJ kept in his pants, but close, keep going. It was his penis. He wasn’t shy about how he used good old Jumbo either. He said that he had sex with more women accidentally than Kennedy had intentionally. How does that even work? “Ooops, I’m so sorry, I slipped. But don’t worry this happens so often I was wearing protection.”
Woody Allen (Fine! I’ll add Polanski later….)
This director is famous for making movies only 40 year olds can appreciate and acting like himself in every single movie he acts in. Oh right! He’s also famous for boinking his adoptive daughter. OK OK she was Woody Allen’s then partner Mia Farrow’s adoptive daughter from Korea and was barely 17 or 18 years old. Oh and he did it previously too, when he dated a 17 year old high-school student that played in Annie Hall.
Allen never let her sleep over post-coitus though because he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t be late for school. After that he seems a lot less ‘quirky neurotic New Yorker’ and a lot more ‘creepy rapist uncle’. Maybe he should re-cast his moral compass.
As promised yet another award winning acclaimed director cum sub-human. Polanski was arrested for using drugs to rape and sodomize a 13 year old girl in the U.S. However, as any good pervert, he admitted to his crime and promptly exiled himself to France. Since the 1978 case he has avoided all countries that could extradite him to the U.S. as the case in his name is still pending.
Ok, so I know he’s an actor, but this scandal took place while he was the Governator of California. Most people having affairs try really hard not to reveal themselves to their (legitimate) partners; the thing is (illegitimate) children can put a kink in those plans.
It was revealed that Arnie cheated on his wife Maria Shriver and actually even had a 14 year old son with his housekeeper. That created a bit of an avalanche though that even Konan couldn’t get out of. He was also accused of groping and humiliating various women in his younger years. He won’t be back (at least in any political position).
Prince Charles the Nasty
Yes, this is Prince Charles, who paradoxically preferred the company of Camilla Parks-Bowels to the Disney-esque Princess Diana. He even allegedly said, in leaked telephone transcripts that he wanted to live in Camilla’s trousers and I freakin’ quote “like a tampon”. Hey nobody called him Lord Byron, but you could probably easily call him as eloquent as a brain-damaged frog with a pencil pinched between his butt-cheeks.
Prince Harry, son of the aforementioned Prince Nasty, and illustrious, Ginger to the throne, was photographed canoodling with Las Vegas locals, in the buff. Which is mild compared to his use of racial slurs like ‘Paki’ and ‘Raghead’.
General David Petreaus
Love is a battlefield they say and that all is fair in love and war. Sorry, I lost my train of thought there…too many puns. Oh right, four star General Petreaus had an illustrious 37 year long career, his last mission being Commander of U.S. Forces in Afganistan. Although well versed in the ‘need to know’ lifestyle, it seems that he didn’t do a job of keeping his dirty laundry to himself.
It was revealed in a series of leaked emails found by the FBI that General was engaging ‘friendlies’ (as in bumping together their naughty bits) with Paula Broadwell that was his biographer. Testament to the fact that he wasn’t great at covering his ass is the fact that his biography written by his biographer/mistress is entitled: ’All In’. Ironically this happened when Petreaus was head of the C.I.A. way to use the resources available to you General F**k Up.
See Also: 10 Things That Will Make You Feel Old
So students what have we learned today? Yes, that’s right: keep your genitals to yourself and you should have a long, uneventful and scandal free political career.
Can you think of any other sex scandals that I missed out?