Human contact is one of the fundamental elements of society… and in your opinion it is vastly overrated. You would take a good book and an empty room over interacting with other people any day of the week. You’re a recluse but even monastic hermits need to eat; and the only way to eat, if you are not foraging for your food in the forest, is to work, get paid, and buy it at a supermarket. But you already know that, because dealing with other people in the workplace is one of the most torturous things you do on a daily basis. If you’re a loner, then I’m sure you’ll understand these daily workplace struggles.
Alternatively, if the best way to completely avoid human contact is to seclude yourself from organized society and live off the earth like one of our proto-sapien ancestors (but let’s be honest: you get violently ill after eating Mexican food), you would die of dysentery within three days out in the wild.
1. People Talk To You
See, a loner generally wants to be, well, alone. People have this annoying habit though of trying to befriend you and make you feel “comfortable”. See, normal humans love feeling welcome but that whole “feeling welcome” thing and the small talk, compliments and general socializing associated with it makes your skin crawl. I mean, it’s not like a person dressed in black from head to toe and reading A Morbid Taste for Bones during their lunch break screams “Talk to me!” Right? Nonetheless, no matter how many times you resentfully roll your eyes when someone perkily ask you if you’re new, they will still try to get to know you, befriend you, and engage in small talk with you.
2. It’s Exhausting
You find the company of animals much more natural than talking to individuals of your same species. The great thing about animals is that they don’t ask you where you’re from, what you studied, or if you are in a relationship. They ignore you until they want to be fed, sit on you when they’re cold, and eat you when you die. There is something strangely comforting about such a simple relationship.
Humans, on the other hand, communicate in the most convoluted ass-backwards way, with non-verbal cues, social protocols, and body language. This can be a challenging social minefield to navigate if your social skills aren’t up to snuff – and the truth is yours aren’t. I mean, how could you have known that poking someone in the ribs, saying “You should have a sandwich”, and walking away isn’t appropriate? If anything, you intended it to be taken as a compliment about their lithe frame. It’s misunderstandings like these that make interacting with humans so exhausting… and why you can’t wait to go back to your herd of pet rats at the end of the day.
3. Personal Hygiene
It’s an unwritten social rule that, if you are in close proximity with someone for an extended amount of time, you need to be, let’s say, inoffensive. Here’s that convoluted human communication system again: your natural scent can actually be considered offensive, if not more offensive than your now infamous sandwich comment. For the life of you, though, you can’t understand how your personal scent can be offensive, especially considering that your pets find it so soothing. It boggles the mind; don’t other people know that washing more than once a week can strip your skin of its natural oils and mask your smell, which puts you at risk of being bitten by your pets because they can’t smell you?
4. One Is the Loneliest Number, and That’s Fine
One of the most vexing questions you receive on a daily basis is: “Are you dating anyone right now?” Why would they think you are, do they not see your sullen eyes, greasy hair, and smell your pungent body aroma? How can people be so stupid? Oh, that brings us to the next point.
5. Everyone Is Stupid
To be honest, your lack of communication skills is the only reason you’re a loner, but you also consider most people around you absolute, incurable morons. I mean, how can they spend hours talking about their kids, weave elaborate but asinine conversations about sports and smile? Smiling is the worst; doesn’t anyone know that, in the animal kingdom, bearing your teeth is perceived as a threat? Not so happy that your dog keeps smiling at you now, are you? See, that’s another reason people are stupid. I mean, these people have children when the world is destructively overpopulated and not only do they have them but they are also happy – yes, happy! – when they do. Idiots.
6. No Escape
The biggest problem about work is the fact that they are enclosed boxes filled with chatty people. Compounding that issue is the fact that you can’t leave this space packed to the brim with gabby Gales without getting into trouble and risking your job. As I mentioned earlier, you are not rugged enough to be a survivalist and you need to eat. Now you heard your boss saying he was considering an open-plan office… even though you don’t know what that means exactly, you’re pretty sure you won’t like it.
7. Productivity and the Buzz
You’re most productive when you have limited to no distractions; which is probably why your house is a blacked out dungeon of solitude where the only thing that comes in from the outside world is air (and even that could be argued, considering the pungent odor of animal urine that usually permeates your living space).
In your office, though, people walk, talk, cough, sneeze and breathe, completely derailing your train of thought and slowing the pace of your work to a crawl. Although you have told your supervisors of this predicament, they completely refuse to transfer your office to the windowless supply closet because of supposed “workers’ rights” and the “inability to evacuate you during a fire”. Which just made it even more appealing: you would much prefer to die a fiery death than persistently wrestle with focusing throughout the day because of all the human movement and speech around you.
8. Getting Home
You like to walk: it gives you time with your thoughts, helps you focus before work, and IT helps you depressurize after work. No matter how many times you tell people that you don’t care that there’s a hailstorm and that you would prefer to walk, they still disgustingly offer you a ride home. You don’t want a ride. I reiterate: people are completely stupid.
Are you a loner? Did I miss any struggles that you deal with on a daily basis at work? Let me know in the comments section below!