Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / NOV. 27, 2014
version 5, draft 5

How to Avoid Working on Black Friday

For all non-Americans that aren’t familiar, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when most shops have huge sales. The sales are so good that people are known to wait in line in the cold for hours and fight for items that are running out. The most extreme cases have resulted in people actually being killed or shot for merchandise. It is a chaotic day, yet here you are… an employee at a big store that will soon become a battlefield on Black Friday. Is there a way to get out of working on the busiest day of the year?

Have someone work your shift

You might have to offer your first born in exchange for this but it will be totally worth it. After all, if you don’t die in an avalanche of PS4s you can just have more children, right?

Get stuck in something

The weirder the place you get stuck the more media coverage and the better the excuse. For example, if you get stuck in a bathroom at a gas station it will offer ample room but you’ll probably be freed just in time for your shift. A better bet would be air-ducts, there is enough room for you, your tablet and food and you can move every time they get close to freeing you. Call your local news station and tell them that you got stuck trying to free a trapped squirrel. They love fluff pieces.

Get arrested

Although a risky strategy this will definitely get you out of working on Black Friday. Added benefit is that you might get the day after Black Friday off and the day after that and the day after that. You’ve worked hard and you deserve a vacation anyway! As a reminder make sure that you keep to small crimes, federal prisons are a little less comfortable than your local drunk tank.

Go to work but don’t work

Amidst the tear-gas, mobility scooters and rioting sales-thirsty masses, do you really think your supervisor would notice? Have someone in the store room hoist you up to a high shelf with a fork lift, take your supplies and camp out until the fires have been put out. If you feel like it, hang-out a couple of hours after your shift and punch out with a little overtime too!

Call from hospital

Fifteen minutes after your shift starts, drive to your nearest hospital and call your supervisor. Tell him/her that an elderly woman hit you over the head with her steel walker and a good Samaritan outside drove you to hospital. Tell them the doctors want to make sure you don’t have a concussion. If your supervisor tells you to go back once they release from the hospital whisper “should I sue?” under your breath as if you are talking to someone that’s there with you. He/She might actually even give you an extra day off.

The Mobility scooter

Find a rotund customer on a mobility scooter. Place your foot “accidentally” under the scooter and get “accidently” injured. The hospital has beds, TV and free jello. Much better than throngs of rotund shoppers.

Just quit

Yes this is an extreme measure. Quit the day right before Black Friday. Then after a few days go back and beg for your job back. Say you had a crisis of morality or something comparably pompous to confuse and misdirect. If all goes well you should have your job back and have skipped Black Friday.

Have you gotten out of working on Black Friday? Do you have a fun yet terrifying Black Friday story? Then let us know in the comment below.  

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