WORKPLACE / DEC. 03, 2014
version 3, draft 3

How To Avoid Your Boss At Work

Since the beginning of time, the lowly employee and the controller of their destiny (the Employer) have been engaged in a bitter conflict. The lowly employee just wants to be left alone, were as the evil boss demands that his subordinates do what they are paid for. It has been a long and bloody conflict with many unemployed and retired employees testifying to its brutality. There is a much better way though. You can hit what you can’t see, even if you do have cameras all over the office.

1. Never give your name.

There are a few select bosses that care enough to remember your name. Use this dehumanizing fact to your advantage. If you never reveal your identity, you can float safely under the radar. When you’re finally and inevitably in their sights though, they won’t be able to enforce anything as they won’t know who you are. If the boss says “Dock Dennis a day’s salary.” Judith in accounts will have a heck of a time pulling up Dennis’ information. Because Dennis doesn’t exist. When you eventually get fired keep showing up. If your boss asks you: “Didn’t I fire you last week?” you can respond “No that was Dennis, I’m Fred people say we look alike though.” 

2. Keep you cubicle as bare as possible.

A bare cubicle usually indicates an unused cubicle. This will allow you to come and go as you please. If your cubicle looks like someone should be there then the boss will make sure that someone is there. This will ensure that you are untraceable by conventional office means. If you absolutely must take your lucky pizza cutter to work with you then tape it to the underside of the desk to keep it out of sight.

3. Misdirect from the get-go

If you have about a grand sitting around you can purchase a high quality silicone mask. Wear it to the interview and then when you’re hired continue to wear it for the first few weeks. Once you feel that the All-mighty Employer has gotten used to your face get a new mask. Repeat every so often for maximum effect.

4. Incognito achieved

You will know that you are successful when you see your boss in the hallway and there is no reaction. Now that you have covered all your tracks you are well on your way to beating the Evil Boss. Find an unmonitored location, build a simple hiding wall in front of it and take all the accoutrements that you might need for eight hours of entertainment. Make sure you have ample food and water to minimize the risk of being found.

5. Do not mess up

For all of these to have full efficacy you must clock in and out, in a punctual way. The only way to get the upper hand is to keep the illusion afloat. Otherwise just stay at home and you won’t have to deal with this hassle.

Do you avoid your boss like the plague? Have you developed any techniques that have helped you? Well let us know in the comment section below. 

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