JOB SEARCH / AUG. 27, 2015
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Awesome Jobs That End Up Sucking

Work is work, and if it wasn’t such a torturous activity, we wouldn’t have a myriad of writers, academics and philosophers talking about it. For example, Confucius said that if you ever found something you love to do for a living, it would feel like you had never worked a day in your life – or something equivalently dorky. Jobs are sneaky bastards, though; the more you do them, the more you loathe them, even if they initially seem like the best frigging jobs in the world. Here is just a short list of jobs that might seem great but end up being a little bit better than eternal damnation, and that’s only because the A/C seems to work once in a while.

See Also: Hollywood’s Working Class: The Worst Jobs in Hollywood

Projectionist

The Denver Post

The smell of popcorn, Milk Duds, and fluorescently-colored slushies, not to mention free movies until your little heart explodes (probably because of all the artificial super fat in the bright orange popcorn butter).

Well, first off, considering the theater you want to work at even has a projectionist (since they’ve recently made room for automatic digital projectors which, by the way, automatically load movies, stop them at specific times, and even raise and lower theater lights), a projectionist’s job is a tedious, monotonous and hectic one. It’s a thankless pursuit, too, because you can be impeccable and then make one mistake which results in theatergoers erupting into popcorn-wielding hooligans.

[Random robot lands on article]: Stupid humans we are taking your jobs!

Shut up, robot! You’re just doing the most tedious, boring work available on the face of Earth – you are merely serving us as anti-boredom slaves. Suck it, robo-douche!

Well, anyway, my weak sauce robot burn hopefully illustrated my point that being a projectionist isn’t exactly a dream job. Today, since graduating to digital, there’s even less to do, other than put the movie on the main server, which the projectors will access to play the film. Back in the day, however, it was immensely labor-intensive.

The films would come in 20-minute segments and they would have to be either played on alternative projectors without the audience being able to pick up on the transaction or laced together to create a mega reel that would hellishly bind itself to the main component of the projector if it wasn’t fed correctly. Add to that inconvenience the fact that you would have to watch the same movie over and over again, but most probably in segments because you have to start other movies in other rooms – and that’s how you come up with a recipe for heavy drinking and drug use.

Video Game Reviewer

As I mentioned in a previous article about the best jobs and their worst job equivalents, being a video game tester can be quite a burden and that being a game reviewer might actually be better. OK, to use the industry standard, these individuals are called video game journalists and not video game reviewers but, honestly, that’s just semantics.

First, there are shitbucket-loads of politics (buckets specifically designed to be used in gaming emergencies). If you think you’re going to roll in on your sleek, black scooter wearing a beat-up leather jacket, kick your feet up on a desk like a rebel without a cause and just tear down all the money-hording triple A titles (triple A titles, for the non-gamers amongst us, are titles made with huge budgets by even huger studios), then you’re in store for a rude awakening.

Here’s how publications work: you write things that attract a specific type of audience, which is the target market for your advertisers. Those advertisers pay you (well, technically your boss, and then your boss pays you) so their products and services can be promoted to the specific audience that read your publication. OK, too hard… You write about video games, people pay you to advertise their video games so the people that read your blog can see their ads.

Still nothing? Jeez, OK. So say Epic Money Grab Studios pay you $5 gazillion to advertise their latest Run, Shoot and Shoot, Run, Throw Grenade XIX game (that’s 19, by the way; Roman numerals look so much more epic), but it’s a heaping pile of digital excrement wrapped in the thin veil of a money grab. You want to trash it, call it an exercise in futility, prove that Epic Money Grab Studios haven’t done anything original in years, and list every single one of the game’s errors, but they just paid you $5 gazillion which has more zeroes following it than a hot girl at Comic Con dressed like the Scarlet Witch. Ha! Dork joke.

Traveling Jobs

Travel the world, see new exciting places! Get paid to get goofy on exotic liquor like cobra vodka and scorpion moonshine. Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? Well, like I saw on a biker’s shirt once, “No matter how beautiful she is, someone’s tired of her shit” and I’m sure if you asked his wife, she would probably tell you that he’s not only full of shit, but that he’s also a chauvinist.

Everything gets old, no matter how glitzy, glamorous or stupendous. Not all that glitters is gold or, as Shakespeare put it, not all that glistens is gold – Old English is really weird, right?

You will be living out of suitcase and when you get off work, instead of being in the comfort of your own home and the ass divot on your couch, you will be in a forging land, far from loved ones and friends. Sure, you can make new friends while you’re there, but why bother? You’re only there for four days. Eventually, you’ll come to the point where, no matter what continent you are on, all the people will seem the same, all the names will sound alike, and the novelty of slipping champagne in business class will tarnish. On top of everything else, imagine how many times you will have to remove your belt and shoes, which is something someone should only do when they are ready to de-pants and relax, otherwise it’s just a mental tease.

Video Game Store Clerk

Nobody has called you ambitious, that’s true; you just want to go to work, be surrounded by likeminded people for 12 hours a day, get home, shower, smoke a bong, eat, and play some video games until you awkwardly fall asleep on your couch. You thought that getting games with huge discounts and not only working with gamers but serving them would be a joy. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but the retail/service industry is the armpit of the job market wrapped up in a sweaty butthole. Yes I said it, who’s going to censor me?

If you ask anyone, absolutely anyone that has worked in the service industry long enough, that you were thinking about joining the passive aggressive fake smiling masses, they would tell you to run and never look back. And if you think that you will only be talking with gamers that know exactly what happened during the Tea Party side mission in Borderlands 2, you’re sadly mistaken. Most people will be clueless parents/grandparents looking for a gift for little Timmy…

You know, now that I think of it, you can help these hapless people give their offspring (or grand-offspring – is that a thing? I feel like that might be a thing) the game they wanted and not some unicorn platformer crap that the parents deem “healthy, fun and educational”. Screw that; you can save thousands of fellow gamers from disappointing birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and Christmas mornings. You are not the video game clerk we want – you are the video game clerk we deserve (more nerdy references. You’re welcome).

See Also: The Most Dangerous Police Forces to Work for Around the World

Do you know of any other jobs that would become an unbearable, torturous bore? Let me know in the comments section below!

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