WORKPLACE / JUL. 05, 2014
version 9, draft 9

Bathroom Privacy: Top Tips

Everyone needs to go at some point. It’s not the most beautiful of occasions but if you’ve just farted at your desk, it’s probably coming and you need to find the best way to be discreet about your upcoming plans. Let’s take a look at some helpful tips on how to be a stealthy toilet ninja.

1 Use the Tap

Be sure to leave the nearest tap running to drown out the plopping noise, for some reason when were at work it echoes through the entire building. Everybody knows. And you’re the only one coming back to your desk after dropping great big splashing meteors. For the more skilled veterans in the field, a few layers of toilet roll to lace the water pool can be effective. 

2 Go when everyone’s on Lunch

Use this timeframe to get in and out without being seen, when the majority of offices nearest to the bathroom are empty for lunch, now’s your time to get squatting. Check meetings scheduled for time management, you can even stock up on food ready for the big moment of sheer freedom to let loose and throw caution to the wind. Just make sure no one comes in.  Be careful of this tactic as there is always a "Dave from finance" who likes to go for his “afternoon sh*t” at exactly 12:38.

3 Professional Skills

Now that you’re on the road to being an arty bum warrior, you’ll need to remain skillful and unidentified. The flush facility together with your hearing are prime tools for estimating the time it takes for you to lift and zip before someone else comes in realising it was you that left the dead otter floating in the bowl. Always flush. Should someone come in half way and realise you’ve made the place smell like the bog of eternal stench, wait for it…. Wait… Once they open the door to leave… flush, zip, rinse, out.

4 Be the Bigger Man

Should you be an actual novice and allow a friend or colleague to go in at the same time, be the bigger man. You must be quick to adopt your stance in the unexpected scenario; laugh and seem impervious to the two bull horns clashing behind the phony smiles, crack a joke or two about last weekend’s antics. Make light of the situation and quickly go to blow your nose, do it twice to solidify your intent. Then wash your hands and politely leave, allowing them to obliterate the porcelain before you. Relax, you’ve played your cards well; keep an eye on when the coast is clear to finish the job. Anyway, if you did decided to stay when you both went in, after that side by side traumatic yet intimate moment, you’d probably never speak again.

5 Supreme Jedi

To successfully land yourself the title of toilet master - the cream of the capable and accomplished. Start taking a small rucksack with you. In this rucksack you will have the shins and feet of mannequins and successfully pre-fabricated fake shoes and trousers. Fill the bottom door panels of all the cubicles to warn off other poopers, play on the persons morals and etiquette here; don’t worry they won’t open if they see two shoes sticking out the bottom of the panel. If you think they might open the door, use your well planned explosive ass techniques to force them to leave in fear.

Do you have any top tips we left out? Comments in the box below!

 

Image source: Toilet Sign

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