WORK-LIFE BALANCE / FEB. 04, 2015
version 6, draft 6

How to be a Rip Roaring Office Alpha

You’re tired of being pushed around, bullied and generally treated like the scum. Your New Year’s resolution was to pull yourself up by your boot-straps (trying not to hurt yourself) and become the office alpha. Alphas are described as ambitious, driven and very short tempered. So crank that Iron Maiden and start pumping your fists. This is how to be a rip roaring office alpha.

No Sleeves no Regrets

To be an alpha you have to assert yourself and display your dominance. The more skin you show the less sh*t it looks like you give. So take those sleeves by the hem and tear them right off. SLEEVES ARE NOT FOR ALPHAS!!! For full effect make sure your wrists are adorned with hyper-masculine leather bangles with an assortment of metal protrusions extending out from them. I SAID LOSE THE SLEEVES!!! I don’t care if it’s a $700 Chanel pant-suit ensemble, those sleeves are standing between you and the pan-office dominance.

Take up as much space as possible

The term alpha originates from the animal kingdom, and most alphas are much larger than the rest of their group. When humans display alpha behavior they usually spread out their limbs, taking up as much space as possible around them. So go out and buy some shoulder pads and feel free to spread out like a starfish. Place your personal belongings outside and in neighboring cubicles, claiming what is deservingly yours.

Come up with a battle-cry

Most alphas have some sort of battle cry. Some exclaim “Brooooooo!!!” to other alphas from across the room maximizing exposure of people that hear/see them. Others will make sweeping gestures that elbow and shove anyone between them and the other alpha they are greeting. Others display behavior such as, consecutive shoot drinking, crushing of a shot-gunned beer can or signifying they are ready to fight by turning their baseball cap backwards with a guttural “YEAAAH!!!”. This can also be combined with a “WOOOOO!!!” before or after the “YEAAAH!!!” Your battle-cry is very, very significant to assert yourself as an alpha. It informs anyone within an earshot that you are in proximity. When trying to come up with a battle-cry, avoid specifics and especially references to food and geek culture. Something like “WOOO!!! LINGUINE!!” or “SPIDERMAN!!!” just don’t carry the gravitas necessary.

Don’t avoid conflict

One thing alphas do not do under any circumstance is avoid conflict. Even when in the wrong they puff out their chest and impose their opinion with the fervor of a religious zealot. You don’t even have to make a point, just prod and poke the offending party extensively and say things like “that’s fine bro”, “what are you going to do about it?”. Make sure to charge at your opponent like a rapid rooster while flinging your arms backwards for full alpha effect. If the other person is your intellectual superior, just speak over them until they give up. Alphas do not walk away.

Power Poses

There have been scientific studies that have proven that assuming a power pose actually releases testosterone into the blood stream. Because alphas are busy jumping off of things and going fast which doesn’t allow time to read, let me explain. Testosterone is the hormone that increases aggression, muscle mass and general awesomeness. Some power poses are the Superman: standing with your hands on your hips, and the Executive: feet up on the desk, legs extended and arms behind your head. Scientists also observed that the higher you are the more effective the pose. So get up on your desk and stare down any poor quivering soul that might happen to be passing by your desk.

Now that you know how to be an alpha, go forth and don’t take any guff from anyone. If you get fired, don’t worry, alphas always get the job. After extensive interviews, job searching and phone calls. If you’re an alpha and have any other pointers, let us know in the comment section below.  

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