Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
CHOOSING A CAREER / MAY. 18, 2015
version 9, draft 9

How to Become a Sex Machine: Crazy Practical Tips for a Playboy Career

Sex, sex, sex, thousands and thousands of you love to read about it and talk about it. Aren’t you tired yet? Well, I kind of am but none the less here we go. You want to get into a field that demands you are a suave skirt-chaser. Where the hell do you want work? In an episode of Mad Men (if that reference was lost on you, clueless reader, I left a video for you below)?

Warning: there are excessively disgusting displays of sexism in the video below, also if you did most of these things, or uttered some of these things in the video, it would most probably result in: best case scenario, getting slammed with a sexual harassment suit, worst case scenario, getting lynched liked Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster and perhaps being violently relieved of your manhood. But go nuts, who am I to stop a sexist incited riot cum public castration.

See Also: 8 Mind-Blowing Sex Scandals With Famous Politicians (and a few others)

Move to a “Singles” Friendly City

If you want to proudly fly your Playboy flag you’re going to need some conquests. If you describe other human beings as “conquests” you have taken your first slimy step towards playboy status. The best cities in the U.S. to get your freak on are (based on percentage of the population that is single):

Boston – 69% (suggestive percentage gave Boston the Freak Lead)

Baltimore – 69% (same as above, see sexual position reference art. 1)

Washington D.C. – 70% the seat of the U.S. government is also home to the most used love seats apparently.

Cleveland – 70% Wow, who knew that Cleveland which is famous for…basketball, no….um, baseball? Never mind Cleveland is a great place if you’re single and it looks like it’s the only thing it offers, oh it also looks like the poor man’s/woman’s single city as it offers the cheapest fancy date prices.

Philadelphia – 68% apparently the city of Brotherly Love is also the city of Stranger-ly Love too.

San Francisco – has the best ratio for all the single ladies at 101 women to 100 men

Baltimore – has the best ratio for any playa at 125 women to 100 men

Based on information from forbes and nerdwallet

Now that you have moved to a city full of singles, ready to mingle(s) you are well on your way to awkward mornings and the high risk of sexually transmitted diseases.

Get off any and all meds

Many medications have the unfortunate side effect of being Boner Ninjas (a completely different clan of Boner ninjas than the one mentioned in this article) as in they assassinate any semblance of male arousal. So what, if last time you went off your meds you raged naked through the street covered in chicken blood and woke up in Utah married to four Mormon brides? It’s totally worth it for repeated nights of awkward lovemaking with a strangers.

Quit your job

One of the biggest factors for low sex drive in men is work related stress. No work, means no stress and that means that you turn into a sex Transformer. But without the “more than meets the eye” with you “what you see is what you get” is a gross overrepresentation. If you were a Transformer, your name would probably be Anticlimactitron, and yes that’s a double entendre as intended by yours truly. Also, as the saying goes “more money, more problems” so less money, less problems, more boners right?

Refuse to wash

OK, so this might be a result of you going off your medications. You might want to shower, you’re starting to smell like expensive cheese, which is not a turn-on even though you claim your dead relative told you it is. Hate to break it to you, but talking to your dead relative is possibly also due to your lack of pharmaceuticals. But who cares you are always horny now-a-days!

Survive on an Oyster Only diet

Aphrodisiacs are a controversial topic, some professional say they work and have been used for millennia. Other medical professional believe it’s just a jacked up placebo effect (see what I did there? Jacked? We’re talking about sex?). But you can’t have too much of a good thing right?

Oyster are considered the most aphrodisiac of aphrodisiacs so suck those suckers down like your trying to eat them out of existence. Warning: I’m not a dietitian or a sex therapist, but I’m pretty sure that eating just one type of food would seriously mess you up. On top of that oysters have high concentrations of Vibrio Vulnificus bacterium in their tissue (that being the part we eat) which can result in some pretty unsexy symptoms like nausea, vomiting and skin blisters (there are more symptoms, but I think I’ve made my point huh?).

The clothes don’t make the man, but they do help

Make sure your wardrobe is hook-up worthy. You think a woman is going to look at you with a t-shirt that says: “I’m with stupid” with an arrow that points at your crotch? [chuckles] OK, that’s pretty funny, but dressing like a college student will get you nowhere.

In the words of the All-Knowing Barney Stinson: “Suit Up”. Um, yeah I didn’t mean superhero suit…no, I’m sure the pink tutu is going to attract attention. Yes, they do say even bad press is good press, but I don’t know if that’s applicable in your situation…fine do whatever you want.

Living under a bridge

You have no money to worry about losing, no rent or utilities to pay, no car to preoccupy your thoughts while you’re getting jiggy (people still use jiggy right?), no medication (to keep you balanced) hampering your ability to perform and no job to tie you down. Now you are a fully-fledged stress free sex machine.

With the combination of potent body odor that’s chalked full of sexy pheromones, a sweet shopping cart with all your worldly possessions and a piece of cardboard under the bridge (which is in walking distance of all amenities and some of the city’s hottest venues) you are well on your way to being a playboy sex machine. Because what woman wouldn’t love a man with a carefree passé attitude regarding personal hygiene, mental health and stable housing?!

See Also: 5 Ways Sex Can Boost Your Career

Is there anything that I missed? Let me know in the comment section below. 

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