WORK-LIFE BALANCE / JAN. 07, 2015
version 7, draft 7

How To Become Famous Doing Nothing

The internet and in general the easy accessibility of mass media has facilitated the meteoric rise of many very talented people to stardom. This has proven to be a double edge sword for the collective intelligence of society though. As many talented people as we’ve seen become famous recently, we have that many (and dare I say more) untalented, I.Q. lowering buffoons that have sunk the quality of entertainment quicker than a lead model of the Titanic (after it hit the iceberg). Here a few ways to become famous by doing absolutely nothing.

Play Video Games and Make Weird Sounds

The greatest entertainer of today is an internet personality named Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg. His ‘stagename’ is PewDiePie and has an unbelievable 32 million subscribers as of November 2014. Mr. Pie’s claim to fame has been Let’s Play videos (videos of individuals playing video games and simultaneously commenting) while screaming, laughing and generally acting like someone on an interesting cocktail of insanity and psychotropic drugs. He is currently the most followed entertainer in the world and makes millions of dollars from ad revenue. Before watching this video be warned of its excessive idiocy and plenty of swearing.

 

Just be hot. Let the Internet to the rest

There have been a couple of cases of this phenomenon during the past year. Jeremy Meeks was arrested in June for being unfairly hot and monopolizing all female attention in a restricted area. That statement is fictional, other than the ‘monopolizing all female attention’ he was actually arrested for resisting arrest. His mugshot (or should I say mug-hot…no, no I shouldn’t) was posted to the Stockton Police Department’s Facebook page and had every criminal-lover swooning. It even scored him a modeling career. The next person with obscurity-destroying hotness is known as Alex from Target. OK, it’s a little weird to say that he’s hot considering Alex is only a teenager, but The Internet Has Spoken! [Gong sounds in the background]. A young woman jubilantly impressed by a young and noble Alex’s attractiveness posted to Twitter his visage with the eloquent declaration ‘YOOOOOO’. After a few thousand retweets, favorites and shares Alex received 300.000 twitter followers. 

 

Be morally reprimandable and post photos of it all over the internet!

This is the story of mediocrely cute (see above story) Texas Tech Cheerleader Kendall Jones. Ms. Jones is a Renaissance woman, she has team spirit yes she does, some athletic ability and enjoys murder-killing beautiful (and rare) wild animals. After posting pictures of her ‘trophies’ on Facebook 325.000 people signed a petition to take them down. After having the internet equivalent of being chased by torches and pitch-forks Kendall tried to repair her public image by posting photos of her with live animals. Recently though the bubbly cheerleader of death revealed that she is attempting to host a television show in 2015 and already has a show on Youtube called Game On. It features giggling co-eds with twangy accents in short shorts with guns shooting at animals. Creepy twenty-something rednecks rejoice! There is finally a program that completely covers your demographic, like your first cousin covers you. If she wants to be famous so bad maybe, she should take some pointers from the debutants below.

The Debutants Sex Tape

A tried a true formula, the ‘leaked’ (which leaked could also mean: I gave it to an adult video producer) sex tape has become a sure fire way to get maximum exposure (pun unapologetically intended). Even if it has lost a bit of steam in recent years, iCloud-gate has taught us it still works. It has also served as a desperate foothold for any celebrity rapidly slipping into obscurity. Noteworthy ‘leakers’ have been Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Pamela Anderson. For best results combine with an intellectually lobotomizing reality show and excessively large (and unfairly gained) trust fund (I’m looking at you Kendall).

paris hilton

Are you an online celebrity? Has your fifteen minutes of fame lasted for more or are you currently doing ribbon cuttings as ‘The Kid that burped the ABCs on Youtube’? Well let me know in the comment section below.

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