Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / JUN. 01, 2015
version 4, draft 4

Break Me Off a Piece of That Sexy Dad Bod

The standards of beauty and attractiveness vary for era to era. Well, for women. Men have always been expected to have warrior-like hard bodies with the muscle definition of a Grecian God. Athleticism, strength and agility have always been the high standards men have been held to. Testimony of the millennia-long male body shaming are the completely ripped ancient Greek and Roman statues, the depiction of brawny Vikings with biceps so big they could rip Valhalla in half by flexing, and Justin Timberlake with his ramen noodle hairdo. These are unbelievably unrealistic standards of beauty that demand arduous hours of labor, lifting heavy things, and the natural genetic inclination for pasta-esque hair. Fear not, my fellow pudgies (not the parrot but people that are pudgy), because a new fad is here to help. Women have started reporting that they are becoming increasingly attracted to the Dad Bod body type.

See AlsoHow to Be A Trophy Husband/Wife

What is a Dad Bod?

A Dad Bod is short for “Dad-like Body” and it doesn’t have any incestuous connotations but refers to a guy’s body that is… um, let’s say less than perfect. I can’t say that women who are attracted to guys with Dad Bods don’t have daddy issues on the other hand. If they ask you to start wearing socks with sandals or yell “I wanted a boy” at them during intercourse… then we can assume there’s something a little bit more deep-seeded there. But back to Dad Bods, which are bodies that are a little more round, a little bit soft, and forego the gym for the extra bacon on their baconator-colon-destroyer. As if we needed more people that could, or should, unironically wear a shirt that says: “It’s not a beer belly, it’s the fuel tank for this sex machine”. Soft and cuddly men are all the rage now; hopefully, we won’t be seeing Hollywood starlets in the near future walking around with rotund gamers in Louis Vuitton tote bags.

The Funny Man Effect

Having a hard body is great; it keeps you healthy, it makes you attractive to the ladies (well, not anymore, according to whichever crock wrote this article. Oh, wait… that’s me), and makes you look great in a T-shirt. Actually, it makes you look good in everything… if you have a decent enough hard-body, you could even sexy-fy the most ridiculous of ridiculous: the male bottomless look. To clarify: that’s a guy wearing a shirt and socks but no pants or underwear. Actually, I take that back; there is not a single person in the universe that can make that look sexy. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It. NO! I don’t want to be proven wrong! It’s an empirically proven fact. I think we can trace back to the beginning of the Dad Bod fad and actually attribute it not only to chili dogs but also to male nudity. A specific opening scene, courtesy of Jason Segel, in the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall reminded habitual friendzoners that softer men are attached to a penis, too. Segel managed to create a social-sexual movement with his penis. Hoorah, Mr. Segel and you, too, not-so-little guy! Honestly, I’m pandering to the tasteless masses, with the penis jokes and what not, but there was a lot of Segel skin in that movie, and he was also hilarious, vulnerable and empathy-evoking. Everything a woman wants in a friend partner. Sure, he wasn’t well defined or endowed, but he was comfortable, stable and secure (sorry, still pandering. Also, sorry Mr. Segel, you have an amply-sized member. I just called it small for comedic effect. Also, there are just so many more of them than you, elegant, sophisticated reader).

Is This (the) Real...

…life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.

Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Anyway the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me, to me.

That was part of “Bohemian Rhapsody” for all you heathens that didn’t realize it. What does it have to do with the topic? Absolutely nothing. I’ve just always wanted to do that in an article.

No, Seriously. Is it real?

OK, I can see that you’re getting a little anxious here. So, according to the Internets, the phenomena, or fad if you will, of the Dad Bod can be traced back to a single college Sophomore Mackenzie Pearson (and don’t get excited, Chubs. When I say ‘single’, I mean ‘isolated’, not as in without a male suitor – or female suitor, I really don’t know the girl or her preferences). She wrote an ode of an article to the virtues of a pudgy soft beau. From there, one news site adopted it, then another and another, and in no time the Dad Bod was a thing, just like the tampon soaked in vodka scare (which you can read about from the big two scaremongers – I mean, news channels - FOX and CBS. It also mentions the hilariously named “Butt Chugging” which paradoxically isn’t a grotesque sex act). After extensive research (not by me but by big name and big resource news sites), vodka tampon was disproven to the point where Danielle Crittenden, then managing editor for Huffington Post Canada, made herself a tampon martini and reported on the results. It was just a case of an unfounded sensationalist report gaining traction with reputable (eh, kinda) news agencies.

Hate to break it to you but the appeal of your Rubenesque curves might be suffering the same effect. The media saw something that had the potential for mass appeal and ran with it, but there is hope for the most rotund of us. People have types; there are various reasons for that based on biology, psychology, anthropology. and evolutionary theory. One of the predominate theories is that having a type was a function of evolution so that we wouldn’t constantly be competing for the same reproductive partners. This also helped to diversify the gene pool because if everyone was reproducing with the same desirable mate, our species would inevitably lose out on some desirable genetic traits. Even if one of those genetic traits might be a bit of a beer belly. So, chin up, my plump friend: there is bound to be a person out there perfect for you.

See Also: 7 Ways to Stay Fit and Fabulous

Do you have a Dad Bod? You don’t know? Then take this quick fun test. As always, feel free to express your pudgy self in the comment section below!

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