Ah the 90’s! What a glorious period! Full of Nintendos, snap-bracelets, day-glo clothing and increasingly threatening hip-hop! It was an innocent time when humans still interacted face to face, telephones not only had these bizarre parts called “buttons,” but they were also the size of a tea-cup Chihuahua. The Internet was still a fledgling and thus, some things we take for granted today, not only didn’t exist, but they would have sounded bat-shit insane. Think about that for a second - we were only one bad pitch away from not having Google. Terrifying isn’t it?
Pitch: I want a loan so I can start a company that will create a search engine.
Banker/Investor: What is a search engine?
Yahoo dude (everyone was by default a ‘dude’ in the 90’s male or female): Well you go on the internet…
Banker/Investor: Wait, wait what’s the internet?
Yahoo dude: [in agitated monotone] The thing you use Internet Explorer to watch the dancing baby on.
Banker/Investor: OOOOOH yeah! I love that baby!
Yahoo dude: Good for you….Anyway we are going to use the internet to give the public access to all human knowledge. The majority of people are going to use us to look for nude celebrity pics though.
Banker/Investor: Wait, so you’re saying I can find nude pictures of Alyssa Milano on the “Internet Explorer” with the thing your company’s going to create?
Yahoo dude: Will it influence your decision to approve my loan?
Banker/Investor: …….Let’s say yes.
Yahoo dude: [bows head and sighs] yes….yes it will find you nude pics of Alyssa Milano.
Pitch: We are going to create a website that will allow anyone to express themselves freely and communicate with other people. But they’ll have to do it in just pictures and 140 characters.
Banker/Investor: OK, so that other kid came in and told me that his company will use the thing on the computer that shows you the dancing baby to find nude pictures of Alyssa Milano. Is your company going to work on the same thing?
Twitter Dude: Um…..you mean the internet
Banker/Investor: Yes the “Internet Explorer.” Is your company going to work on that too?
Twitter Dude: Yes, it is actually. We are going to make a website that will be an open platform for anyone to express themselves, connect with other people with similar interests and even help famous people give their fans insight to their lives! But they’ll have to do it in fewer than 140 characters.
Banker/Investor: Why only a 140 characters? That seems a bit arbitrary.
Twitter Dude: It is.
Banker/Investor: Fair enough, it’s your idea….will your company help me find nude pictures of Alyssa Milano? Not that it will impede the approval of your loan, but it might…
Twitter Dude: …..um, I guess you could ask for them.
Banker/Investor: Perfect, I’ll get back to you, but this is looking very positive.
Pitch: Good morning! I want a loan so I can create a website that will connect people with old friends and random people that only met once. On my website you will be encouraged to share your most private thoughts, concerns and memories and most of that will be public.
Banker/Investor: Will Alyssa Milano be on your “Internet Explorer” company?
Facebook Dude: Hopefully.
Pitch: We want to create a service that will allow people to share pictures of their food on Twitter and Facebook.
Banker/Investor: Are those the guys that will help me talk to Alyssa Milano?
Instagram Dude: Um…..yes?
Banker/Investor: So I will be able to show Alyssa Milano that I make a great bratwurst?
Instagram Dude: I guess.
Pitch: This is a great idea! You will absolutely unequivocally want in!
Banker/Investor: Great! What is it?
Vine Dude: (author’s note: I know that V.D. means venereal disease, I thought I’d beat you sick bastards to it): A service that allows you to share a seven second video.
Banker/Investor: Just seven seconds? What the hell are the videographers going to do in seven seconds?
Vine Dude: Um, they’ll scream a lot, use tons of racially insensitive jokes and be a**holes to strangers.
Banker/Investor: Will there be dancing babies?
Vine Dude: There might be….
Banker/Investor: Great! (writes in application notes, dancing baby video company + racist jokes)
Pitch: We want to make a pill that will allow old people to do it.
Banker/Investor: You’re basically going to dedicate millions of dollars and use medical resources to develop a pill that gives old people boners?
Banker/Investor: Hey, I’m sold.
Pitch: We want to create a service where anyone can upload any type of video content, no matter how crazy, paranoid or irrational.
Banker/Investor: Hmmmm, sounds like that other company, with the seven second videos.
YouTube Dude: No, no our videos won’t have a length limit and we won’t allow nudity. There are a ton of other websites that do that anyway.
Banker/Investor: Could you possibly get me in touch with those other websites?
YouTube Dude: Um….I guess I could, but what about ours?
Banker/Investor: Look kid, sex sells and I want a return on my investment, how are you going to do that?
YouTube Dude: That’s a good point, I guess we could allow some people to capitalize on their sex appeal. Oh, and we’ll also have tons of videos of people getting hurt while doing immensely stupid things.
Banker/Investor: Hmmm, it’s starting to sound better, keep going.
YouTube Dude: We’ll also have videos like this:
Banker/Investor: Although disturbing that was strangely hypnotizing, sold!
Pitch: We want to do exactly what Yahoo does but then practically shut them down [under his breath] and take over the world.
Banker/Investor: What did you say there at the end? I didn’t quite get it.
Google: oh…I said: ‘create a dancing squirrel’
Banker/Investor: Is that going to be like the dancing baby?
Google: Almost identical…I hear you also have an affinity for a disrobed Alyssa Milano.
Banker/Investor: How the hell did you kno….
Google: [puts finger to banker’s mouth and then pushes the banker’s hair off his forehead, in a very nurturing fashion]….shhhh, Google knows all.
Banker/Investor: I’m approving you so you can get the hell out of here, you’re creeping me the f*ck out.
Google: …..that’s what she said.
Do you have any other companies/ inventions that might have sounded absolutely unequivocally insane just 20 years ago? Let me know in the comment section below.