Ah, the good ole sex article. It’s been a while, my friend. What can I say other than sex sells, and man does it sell good! It sells like a stack of salacious flapjacks with a side of smut. Most people do the “dirty flapjack” and consider it a pretty pleasurable activity. After all, they do say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life… So, the logical conclusion for someone that enjoys doing the deed (a lot) is to make money doing it, right? Let’s take a look into the sticky career options of selling sex.
Offering a sexy spectacle can help you rake in some serious dough. All you have to do is forgo your dignity, wear little to no clothes at all, and shake your booty in front of horny patrons. Easy peasy, they want a squeezy. The great thing is that this job isn’t even gender specific; if you’re relatively attractive, male or female, you can definitely start getting dollars under your G-string. No experience, education or teeth? No problem! Of course, the fewer teeth you have, the further away you’ll have to go from civilization, but anyone that’s been out on the road for long enough will happily stare at your pockmarked behind for a beer and a dollar! Speaking of which, is that a tattoo of Dalí’s melting pocket watches on your left buttock? Oh… really? It’s the London skyline, and that’s Big Ben?
Human interaction is very challenging for certain people but, luckily for the internet, they don’t have to venture outside their comfort zone (which extends from their room in their mother’s basement to the kitchen and bathroom), even for their most basic needs. And when I say “basic needs,” I’m talking about getting their jollies off. If you have Florence Nightingale syndrome and love to help broken humans, well... help them get their rocks off, then maybe being a cam model is the sex gig for you. All you need is a laptop with a webcam, a sexy wardrobe or none at all, and a bit of a gimmick because there are only so many people you can watch awkwardly staring into the camera naked before it loses its appeal. So, try to do something different – trust me, no matter how weird it is, there’s bound to be a few hundred people that will dig it. Yes, you can even stand completely naked sans a rooster mask cockledoodledooing in a tub of Nutella.
So the previous two sellable sex options actually didn’t involve engaging in sex literally, while this one kinda does. If you don’t mind exposing yourself while engaged in one of the most intimate acts known to humans, then being a porn actor/actress might just be the right fit for you. I mean, you zealously engage in bumping uglies, anyway, so why not do it in front of a camera and get paid for it? It’s not like you’re bashful – your neighbors will testify to that fact. Added bonus is that the porn industry isn’t the most discerning employer either: you can be short, tall, an ex-con, bald, too hairy or even have a tail, and there is bound to be a weird fetish subgenre of porn that you can work in. No previous experience, advanced degree or credentials is needed – well, except for certain unmentionable “assets”. Not that a degree is an obstacle to low production quality bone-age, there is even a surprisingly high concentration of ex-school teachers working in porn… as if you didn’t already have that fantasy, you sick puppy, you.
Legal Boning Since 1811
Amsterdam is a weird and wonderful place; it’s located two meters below sea level, it has a manmade forest, was home to van Gogh, Rembrandt and Anne Frank, and during the 17th century was the wealthiest city in the known world as it was the globe’s financial center at the time. What it’s most famous for, however, is the legality of marijuana and prostitution. This is where you come in. What? Why are looking offended? You wanted to know about jobs selling sex!
De Wallen, or Amsterdam’s Red Light District, is home to about 400 “windows” which are small rooms with a window, covering the entire front end. For just €115 an evening shift, you can intermittently dance and screw the night away! Legally! No need to run from the cops in Amsterdam; everything is taxed and certified, and prostitutes even have a union. You make your own hours, you don’t have a boss, and there are cops (and occasional Dutch Hells Angels) protecting you at all hours of the day. Where else in the world can you make thousands of dollars by allowing sweaty tourists roll around on top of you for a few minutes? Oh…
The City of Sin
Las Vegas, the ex-stomping grounds of organized crime and the current seat of the U.S.’s largest concentration of legal brothels! Sounds delectable, doesn’t it? Well, in the State of Nevada, there are a handful of legal brothels that you can get a job at (unfortunately, at this point in time, there are no male brothels for the ladies and guys looking for that). The working women are independent contractors, they negotiate their own rates, and they can write off the condoms they use as a professional expense. I’m sure that that’s one tax write-off the taxman/woman doesn’t need see proof of use. The women live on the “ranch” for two weeks at a time, and live off of it for two weeks. They are routinely subjected to STD tests and are legally obligated to use protection which isn’t a prerequisite in Amsterdam. Overall, most testimonies of ex-working women I found were more or less positive. Unlike Amsterdam though, you have to associate with the competition as you will probably be one of 5-10 other girls trying to strike up a deal with “customers”. Hey, a little competition never hurt anyone though, right?
See Also: What it Takes to Work in a Strip Club
So, now that you know a few ways to use your God-given "gifts" (I’m talking about your genitalia, doofus) towards your advantage, go forth and fornicate, keep safe, and you’ll be able to do it until your tits hit the floor (what? I thought it was funny… you guys are just too sensitive sometimes). If you’d like to add anything, please let me know in the comments section below!