Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / MAR. 31, 2015
version 6, draft 6

Corporate Fashion Advice from a Deranged Street Preacher

Street Preacher
istock

Hello, I would like to warn you that the poison that we pump into the skies will result in the coming of the demon known as Big Bird, which will scorch the earth with his acid breath. Of course, you already know this and the reason you have come to me via out of body travel, is so you can take notes from the best dressed Street Preacher in the financial district.

See Also: How to Use 90s Pop Culture for Career Success

The first tenant of this guide on how to dress is of course economy. Not economy as in stock market fluctuations and the International Monetary Fund, but as in cheap as dirt. Now let’s see what kind of accoutrements we can dumpster dive for.

Cufflinks

Cufflinks are important for a subterranean Reptilian super-race like you, they keep your sleeves low on your wrist thus hiding the scaly skin on your forearm. Although most would opt for shiny gold or silver cufflinks and alternative option are twisty ties. They are readily available, easily sourced and twist beautifully which I assume is why they’re named twisty ties to begin with. With a huge selection of colors, you can find the perfect hue to combine with your green skin! Oh, and your suit.

Ties

Nothing ties together a nice suit than a good tie. The problem with ties is that they are usually made from silk and it is common knowledge that silk is the product of genetically modified worms, spliced with alien DNA. Why would you risk corrupting your own DNA through osmosis? A nice solution is using rope instead. If the natural color of the rope clashes with the suit or shirt you’re wearing, don’t worry, just use spray paint for the appropriate color. An added benefit is that once you’re done you can breathe in God’s Breath from the spray paint can and hear angels singing! (I do not condone huffing of any chemical, its extremely hazardous even if it does make you hear angels).

Shoes

Shoes are overrated and worst of all they restrict your ability to feel the subtle vibrations emanating from the Earth that could warn you of the impending explosion of the H-bomb that Roosevelt buried after King Tut told him to. They had multiple meetings in the Metropolitan Museum when Tut’s sarcophagus was brought to the United States. Has no one heard of the Pharaoh’s curse? Anyway, if you’re hard set on shoes grab a black or brown marker and color the top part of your foot that should trick the other subterranean Reptilian Humanoids into thinking you’re wearing shoes.  

Pants

Again pants are not only unnecessary but could also be dangerous as you will not be able to feel the shifts in the Earth’s Magnetic Poles. Just like my previous advice, painting can be a viable option. However, if you really, really want to block out the chance of knowing that the Earth’s polarity is going to shift and still save money, you can use black plastic bags.

See Also: 4 Jobs for the Criminally Insane

So now you should be well dressed for the violent impending end of the world. Remember to carry a glove of garlic and dead field mouse in each pocket to ward of the zombies, a stainless steel fishhook in your breast pocket to neutralize cosmic radiation and gummy bears in your pack pocket as emergency rations. They cushion your tush pretty effectively too! If you have any other questions, please leave them in the magical comment box below and they will be beamed directly into my brain!

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