Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / JUL. 01, 2015
version 5, draft 5

Darkest Desires that Everyone Tries to Hide

Dexter Darkest Desires that Everyone Tries to Hide
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Come ‘ere you dirty bastard! Yeah I’m talking to you, you skeevy, sketchy pervert. Over the weekend while trying to set up my black light party room I was double fisting a bottle of Jager and Aftershock, and I got electrocuted. After my friends extinguished the flames that were consuming my hair (which was doused in Jager and Aftershock like my insides), I started to hear voices, these voices told me the deepest desires of everyone around me…in vivid detail.

This event helped me come to the realization that we humans are a messed up bunch. Some of the things that we desire that are so vile that if we were to express them, any “civilized” person would recoil in disgust (even though they might desire the same thing). Here are a few of those despicable, deplorable and horrid desires (almost everyone has).

See Also: 8 Types of People That Shouldn’t Procreate

Taking a Life/Seeing someone die

I’m not talking about raging in traffic at the guy that cut you off for the umpteenth time, no, I am talking about actually maliciously taking a life. Human mortality has been the subject of literature, art and music since humans could produce literature, art and music.

This preoccupation with the most grim of human events creates curiosity in many cases for our own mortality, so seeing someone die, or killing someone ourselves, might be a sick manifestation of our need to know what happens after we pass into the great beyond. Maybe it’s the ultimate show of power, a God complex. No matter what, it’s messed up so don’t do it. Also, there’s this thing called prison, that you’ll spend the rest of your life in if I haven’t yet convinced you.  

Get Back with an Ex/Destroy them

Break ups are hard, there are a million Taylor Swift songs and as many movies, series and books as you can throw a stick at dedicated to how much losing your amore sucks. These movies usually show people drowning their loneliness and sorrow in the bottom of a bottle, a box of chocolates or carton of vanilla ice cream while making scrunched up cry-faces.

The thing is if you could survive prying the chocolate or bottle out of the jilted lover’s vice-like grip and asked them: “What would you really like to do to your ex?” their response would probably make you reel in horror/crawl up into the fetal position and cry. The reason being is that even though we consider ourselves elevated, cultured and civilized when it comes to love we are pretty much petty, sniveling, snot-nosed kids. Take away a toy (which is the Ex-Significant Other, for the sake of this offensive simile) from a child that isn’t finished playing with it and they will have a Vesuvius level blowout, spitting, cussing and comically flailing their tiny little limbs all over the place. The main difference between kids and adults is availability of alcohol. We lose our shit just as much as little kids do when our toy is taken away from us before we’re done playing with it. But we lose it on the inside, with a chaser of Chardonnay or Scotch, which makes that jagged little pill go down a little bit easier.

Keeping with the kid parallelism, if you didn’t try to calm the child that is losing its preverbal shit and it was left to its own machinations what would it do? Damn straight. It would go directly up to whoever took their toy and try to inflict maximum personal damage on the person that took said toy right? I have actually witnessed this when a pissed off kid on a playground took a metal toy truck as big as him and clocked another kid over the head with it, who had taken his toy shovel.

Sure you might argue that the truck-assailant is a future sociopath, but that doesn’t help me make my point, so we’ll just scratch it from the record. If given no social repercussions most people would either try to get back with their ex or try to seriously mentally or physically harm their ex. Go ahead deny it all you want...Ok, I guess I should’ve said a bad breakup but I didn’t want to rub it in.

Sexual

Stop looking at me like that, it was inevitable that I was going to end up here. After all this article is about the darkest desires people have and the darkest ones usually invovle a perversion of sex. Even the most puritanical bible thumper has some sort of deep, deep seeded, messed up perversion that he would like to perform on his wife (hopefully), as far away from the eyes of God as possible. Some would argue that the more puritanical someone is, the more messed up his/her repressed fetishes are *cough alter-boys cough*.  See I didn’t even have to mention denomination, religion or sect and you know exactly who I was talking about and they’re just as famous for how prudish they are as they are for touching young boys inappropriately.

The weirdest thing is that the social stigma from doing it with…let’s say a goat or any other sexual taboo, changes every so often. Certain periods of history had allowed a whole bevy of messed up sexual acts to be performed without societal blowback; some were even OK to do in public. The ancient Sumerian King would be crowned by…bumping uglies with the High Priestess in open view, turning every single one of his subjects into an involuntary peeping tom. Or in ancient Egypt during the festival of the god Min, men were encouraged to masturbate in public. Who knew that the builders of the pyramids were also the architects of the wank rink. Today both of those things would be significant sexual taboos. Also, I’m pretty sure that very few people would like to watch their leaders do it in front of them to take their country’s seat of power. Although I’m pretty sure the viewership of the inaugural speech would be through the roof if they did. 

See Also: Can You Make a Career Selling Sex?

I’m going to ask, but I doubt anyone is going to brave enough, what are your deepest darkest desires? Let me know in the comment section below. Mine is to eat a dill pickle while scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef while being surrounded by Great White sharks. Wow, that’s extremely liberating.

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