WEB & TECH / FEB. 24, 2015
version 4, draft 4

Flip Phones are Back? What Year Is It?

Holy heck, flip-phones are huge in Japan at the moment, and if Japan’s doing it the world is bound to follow. You don’t believe me? You know how long Japanese people have been driving Japanese cars? Yep, since they were first created! That’s how forward thinking these guys are.

Why are Flip-Phones back? I mean…why…what

As you can see even though I have great faith in Japanese innovation and forethought, this completely baffles me. I justify myself for that confusion too. How can a country that is developing sentient robots to take over the world (I mean look after their elderly) and invent an in ear alarm clock (that let’s just admit it now, is absolutely villainous, alarm clocks are bad enough even when they’re not attached to your head) still think that a decades old technology is cool?

Iggy Pop uses one

Yeah, ok so its kind of cool that the post-punk guru Iggy Pop uses a flip-phone but I mean he’s older than my dad. And time has not been kind to him, yet he still refuses to wear a shirt. He wouldn’t know which end of a smartphone to hold up to make a call! I’m not an ageist, but I mean come on, old people and technology mix as well as Crème de Mint and tequila. Don’t even try that out of curiosity, because you will pay for it by praying over the porcelain God, trust me.

The Design’s Practical

OK, I’ll give you that, you close the stupid thing, and you avoid butt-dialing, butt-breaking, and complete screen annihilation if you drop it from 2 inches high. Heck when flip-phones are closed they could probably even survive a 200 story fall. OK, I exaggerate but don’t hold it against me I’m just trying to make my point. There’s a little screen on the top that you can look at your notifications without messing around opening and unlocking and all that hassle. Its compact, some of them are actually absurdly small. Man, after Christmas I wish I could fold in on myself to become smaller. Even phones body-shame us. But I digress.

Flip-Phones have that Vintage je ne sais quoi

Yes, we all know how fashionable vintage is. It’s not a new trend for people to use old clothes to look like transients, with hipsters at the forefront of this hobo-chic fad. So old flip-phones have now been seated on their own mantle in the pitiful vintage museum, and are now venerated by the people with cranial pliability (meaning people that are soft in the head). Some of these phones are selling for hundreds and thousands (yes four digit numbers) of dollars. I can understand some vintage fashion too because some articles of clothing, shoes and accessories were very finely made in previous eras. But I don’t think anyone can see a floppy antenna-ed bulky black Motorola as a thing of beauty. I’d go as far as saying a general consensus is that the 90’s wasn’t the most aesthetically appealing period in time. For my hipster readers (why are you even reading my stuff I make fun of you all the time) you can actually buy them here.       

Even Rihanna has been seen with one

Good God, really? Yes, not only has the over-hyped Rihanna been seen using it, she was also photographed a few weeks earlier using a coin-operated payphone. What’s next is she going to send a fax? A telegram? Mail?!!! Also Anna Wintour editor in chief of fashion magazine Vogue, was seen using a flip-phone at the U.S. open and confused people to hell as to whether it was a fashion statement or just because she’s in her mid sixties and that’s what people in their mid-sixties use as cell-phones.

Do you have a flip-phone? Then what the hell is going on? Please tell me! I’m starting to feel irrelevant!!!!

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