Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
COMPANY CULTURE / DEC. 02, 2016
version 7, draft 7

The Funniest Secret Santa Gift Ideas for Coworkers

I know that there are few concepts in the world as infuriating as buying Christmas presents for people you are forced to spend eight hours a day with, but hear me out. It is a fantastic opportunity to bring your best passive aggressive game and give a gag gift that will emphasise their worst personality attributes. Or they can just be funny. Yes, let’s go with that. Here are a few “funny” secret Santa gift ideas for your co-workers.

For Your Boss

If our boss asked, we’d all say he/she is a great person, with incredible vision and leadership skills. But if we were asked after a couple of drinks at the Christmas party, then we would probably say our boss’s need to be a little less of a d*#k. Well lucky for your boss there’s a book that explains exactly how to avoid being a d&*k. I can’t guarantee if he/she is going to laugh or fire you, after all you said it yourself at the Christmas party he/she is complete d%$k.

For Your Supervisor

So you put your hand in the secret Santa hat and pulled out your supervisor’s name, great. Well, you supervisor loves having lackeys around and complains that he never has time to work out…well, I have the perfect gift for you…I mean them. Why not help them devalue their employees to the point of making them an object for entertainment, by slapping a basketball hoop on their head?

For the Really Annoying Guy

We all have that one co-worker that’s so annoying you lose a layer of tooth enamel from grating your teeth every time they speak. Well, give that special annoying someone a gift which is the physical manifestation of their personality, an utterly insufferable sh%t-head.

For the Compulsive Liar

You’re sitting around the water-cooler when you hear someone going on about summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro, you turn the corner, and it’s somebody that you know could never physically manage such a feat because they are so out of shape they get winded going up a single flight of stairs. You can tell them in a less than subtle way, or you can wait for them to unwrap their Christmas present and watch their face go from jubilation to abject horror. It’s the shameless liar’s guide; your present should actually be quite helpful.

For the Predator

Every office has a predator; it’s that one guy that has mysteriously never managed to get slapped with a sexual harassment suit, even though he thoroughly deserves it. As most well-adjusted adults know, the more you brag about it, the less you usually do it. So to help them practice you can get them an inflatable girlfriend. Hopefully, it will distract him from all the people he’s been bothering around the office. Hey, it’s even a top seller!

For the Man-Child

He goes to the gym six times a week and is built like an Olympic weight-lifter, has a beard Oden himself would be jealous of but still giggles in delight at fart jokes…what could you possibly get this mountainous man-child? This is probably the easiest entry on the list; man-children love childish things but also female breasts. As such a colouring book filled with breasts is the perfect (and strangely creepy) intersection of the two. By the way, the original cover doesn’t pixelate what is  pixelated in the image above.

For the Mammoth

You felt sorry for him in the summer, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve also been slightly envious of him during the winter. He is so heavily covered with hair that even the spaces between his fingers need shaving, don’t ask me how I know that. It is a tragic condition, but since you don’t have a soul, you have no qualms making fun of it!

The so-called “man-groomer” has a foldable handle that extends so even the most hirsute among us can enjoy a hairless back. It’s a double reminder of your co-workers sadness, because not only are you telling them they are hairy, you are also saying they have no one in their life to shave their back. An unusual gift for an unusually hairy human!

For the Griper

This person is so apathetic that it is almost impossible to elicit any reaction from them. They are complacent, fed up and disengaged. Why does that matter to you? Well, it matters if you have to buy them a present for the office’s secret Santa. Although these are probably just M&Ms in blister-packs, who knows maybe Damitol has some sort of amazing placebo effect, making your gripping co-worker give even less of a damn than normal and thus tearing a hole in the space-time continuum.

The Garbage Disposal

It might be you…but there’s at least one other person in the office that consumes nothing else but junk food for lunch. And just to say “thanks for coercing me into clogging my arteries” this table top Kebab Rotisserie will make sure that you aren’t the first one into an early grave. After all, isn’t that the point of buying co-workers and everyone Christmas presents? It’s not? Then how do you explain eggnog?

For the Enthusiastic Drinker

If you haven’t drunk with them, you’ve probably have slept with them, but the office drunk is probably the most tolerable of personalities at work. They are also incredibly easy to shop for; anything alcohol related will make you come out smelling like roses. My suggestion is to get them something that will reinforce their drinking, wait until they inevitably sleep with your boss and then blackmail yourself to a promotion and a nice raise. It’s the gift that literally keeps on giving!

For the Weekend Warrior

He’s never served in the military or a police force yet knows everything there is to know about guns, weapons and self-defense techniques (these individuals are also known as couch ninjas). The only thing you have in common with this person is your shared need to punch each other in the face, but you drew his name, and you must follow holiday protocol. I doubt there is any better way of pissing them off than buying them a teeny tiny Nerf gun. Just make sure to be outside the active range of his side arm so you don’t get greeted with a face full of Nerf dart every morning.

For the Weird Kid

I know this is a horrible way to describe a fellow human being, but come on…they stare at the ceiling while singing Jolene in a perfect Dolly Parton impersonation. They collect stuffed animals and watch videos of people eating to relax. What could you ever get this person that would make them smile or honk like a goose, which is what the weird kid does when he’s excited. Well, consider me your Weird Kid Whisperer; this scarily accurate pug mask will undoubtedly fit the bill. Just don’t come crying to me if you can’t without screaming in horror.

I hope you enjoyed these gift ideas for your co-workers. Remember that when getting gifts you need to consider the recipient, their sensitivities and ability to take a joke, especially if your unique present is intended for someone that could fire you if they can’t. Do you have an office secret Santa, what did you buy for your co-workers? Let us know in the comment section below.

See Also: 6 Alternative Office Christmas Party Ideas

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