Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / OCT. 16, 2015
version 7, draft 7

Horrible Jobs: Strip Club Security

So you think working in a strip club is all scantily-clad sexy people and glitter, do you? Well, you would be grossly mistaken, my friend. Strip club security is a profession with fewer perks than a Victorian Age lamplighter (if you’re too young for that reference, lamplighters have very few perks other than carrying a surprisingly long stick with a surprisingly small flame at the end of it). Well, get prepared to have your dreams shattered, because who hasn’t wanted to be a strip club bouncer at some point in their life? No? Only me? Guys…?

See Also: 8 Perks of Being a Phone Sex Operator

The Horny and Booze-Up Coefficient

Civility is what a healthy society is based on. It helps uphold the laws, social standards and morals. You can go out and find the most civil human being on the face of the earth, who I imagine wears a tux with a top hat, a monocle, a British accent, and a greyhound named Cybil. The moment you get him drunk and horny, however, Patrick Leavenworth III suddenly loses the monocle and hangs his top hat from his erect member while asking anyone in the vicinity if they would like to see his “London Eye”.

Horniness and alcohol just have that effect, an effect which is observed only when the two are combined. Sure, you can become a jackass when you’re drunk, and a jackass when you’re sexually frustrated, but when you combine blue balls with Blue Lagoons, you will become a raging degenerate ready to release your (less than ample) sexual organs on any hapless passerby. Why, I do not know; maybe it’s evolutionary… But as a bouncer at a club of the nipple-y type, you will have to wrangle these types of individuals, no matter what stage of undress they are in – you might even have to tackle someone who is pant-less. Just think about that before you turn in your application form.

The Nasty

A session of one-way heavy petting (as in only the performer can touch the client, not vice versa) will end… climactically… which results in certain, let’s say, secretions. Well, imagine how much DNA has been deposited all over your place of employment. EVERYWHERE. It might not seem like a big deal now, but when you go through your fifth loofa of the week, we’ll talk again.

Breaking Up

No, not the interpersonal sappy stuff, I mean nasty, dirty backroom sex. Yes, you got it: you’ll have to interrupt illicit sex that happens in the “champagne room” or “private room”. Now you have to eject an aroused customer and an aroused performer that are both most likely covered in each other’s… um, you know what? Never mind; just use your imagination.

Oh, although I have no experience, I’m going to assume that you’ll have to awkwardly wait for both of them to dress before you kick them out, and how does that even work with strippers? Do you sit there and stare at them, or do you turn your back? Good God, so many variables!


Do you know how much damage a drunk guy/gal with a car key can do to the human body? How about that guy/gal combination with a heavy belt buckle? Still drawing a blank? Well, look at my first entry there and you will hopefully come to a conclusion… I’ll be sitting right over here.

So, did you come to a conclusion? Exactly: drunk and horny people act like societal degenerates and sociopaths! So, if you ask them to distance themselves for the thing that is making them drunk and horny, they will come at you with whatever is at hand, even their hands… I know, such a shocking revelation, right?

Work Sucks Even with Boobies

Yes, work sucks. No matter where you work, the enthusiasm will eventually peter out and its luster will tarnish. It’s you or the exposed skin… it’s just what happens when you work somewhere. No matter how much skin you see or how many G-strings are just there waiting to be looked at, you will eventually become fed up with it all. The worse part of it all is that you are bound to be friend-zoned by someone that you see naked on a daily (nightly?) basis… I mean, how horrible is that?

If You Like Fighting, Go Into MMA

If you think that being a strip club bouncer is all aroused and stained customers, and fighting, you are going to be disappointed. Fighting results in injury, disruption of business activities (which in this case is sexy dances and boozing people up, but I’m not judging), police involvement, and property damage which are all things that business owners don’t like.

Business owners like making moola… and that is not at all sexual but a colloquialism for money. If you fight with every drunken, stained person that went against company policy, your boss won’t be very happy having to replace the tenth wall mirror in a month (it is common knowledge that 99.9999% of bar fights end with someone being thrown into a mirrored wall). Also, you can forget about wearing sleeveless flannel shirts and cowboy boots… they are frowned upon by the Patrick Swayze hater.

You Can Get Sued

Although your job is to diffuse difficult situations, and difficult situations can sometimes include physical altercations, you can get sued for taking someone down. If the court sees that you used excessive force, the attack was unprovoked, or the horny, stained client just has a better lawyer than you, then you are up a proverbial poop stream without a paddle. Oh, that reminds me of another point:

The Salary is Laughable

Although bouncers are necessary for the smooth function of most bars, they are unfortunately on the bottom of the totem pole, both in terms of hierarchy and salary. Sure, you are probably in one of the few professions where an occupational hazard is “punches to the face”, sans boxers and MMA fighters, yet your compensation for potential punches is weak to say the least.

See Also: Completely Unsexy Realities of Being a Phone Sex Operator

Okay, so if you’re dead-set on becoming part of the less than elite world of strip club security, I’m sure you could walk into any club and inquire… But remember: you have been warned, so don’t come whining to me when you had to break up “champagne room sex”, tackle a guy with an engorged member, and get into a fight on the sidewalk resulting in broken fingers, all in one night. If I missed anything about working as a strip club bouncer, feel free to let me know in the comments section below.

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