FOOD & FITNESS / NOV. 25, 2015
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Want to Lose Weight? Here's How Tequila Can Help You

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Is this for real? Can tequila actually burn fat? Well sign me in. It’s not like anyone ever needed a reason to get wasted, but knowing there is an alcoholic drink that helps you lose weight can only justify that longing for alcoholic beverages. All good things usually come at a price, they either have some negative side effects or simply cost too much. If the price I have to pay for losing weight is drinking tequila so be it. I’m not going to complain.

See Also: The Health Benefits of Sex

Forms of Physical Exercise

Truth be told, this benefit is not restricted to tequila in particular, since any alcohol will more or less affect you the same, provided you consume enough of it. No, the fact that you have to lift a glass or a bottle every now and then, does not constitute exercise, it’s what happens after drinking that helps burn calories. Here are some of the possible scenarios in which you can end up losing weight:

  • Ultimate brawl down – we all know how alcohol can help with anxiety, since it removes some of the mental barricades, thus eliminating the inner pressure when we find ourselves in awkward social situations. However, once you drink too much of it, other barriers are likely to vanish as well. Once you reach the barrier known as “FEAR” and remove it, the line that separates man from beast is blurred. At this point, it is fairly easy for you to end up in a fist fight. A fight is a physical activity in itself, plus every body part you lose takes away from your total weight. Who ever said you need both of your hands?
  • Catch me if you can – Inevitably after a fist fight comes a police chase. The fact that the police will be using vehicles puts you in a disadvantage, yet if you have consumed enough tequila you will be seriously committed to escaping. Running is one of the best exercises there is and after a run like this you are sure to burn a large chunk of fat away. Plus, spending a night in prison (which you will most definitely be doing) will be stressful, and stress is another form of weight loss.
  • Pathfinder – If you are more of a lonely drinker and there’s no one around to take you home, you are likely to opt for walking. Even if your home is just two blocks away, tequila will make it so that you aren’t exactly playing with a full deck. So, you’ll pick a random direction and start walking. That moment when you acquire some clarity always comes too late, or in this case, too far. You are miles away from home, and too embarrassed to take a cab, because the sweat and the stench of alcohol make you look like a hobo, so it’s a long walk back to your home.
  • Up all night to get lucky – tequila can awaken the most primal instinct, the need to get laid. Once it hits you, that’s when the hunt for a suitable mate begins. If your hunt is fruitful, you are going to be up all night, burning calories. If not, well you are in for an entire night of fruitless masturbation, because you had one too many shots. It is sad, but an exercise nevertheless.  
  • Hero – “Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up”, Alfred Pennyworth (Batman Begins). No, we fall because tequila pushed us, and we stand up to push back. That’s right, once you take more tequila you than you can handle, gravity becomes more hostile towards you. You will fall countless times and stand back up in order to reach a safe place to sleep. It’s a new form of exercise called stand-ups, and it burns calories like crazy.         

Even Science Says So

Let me start off by saying that drinking tequila won’t miraculously turn you into a supermodel, so if you were expecting that then I am sorry to disappoint you. Here’s the deal: sugars found in tequila can actually be helpful for anyone with type 2 diabetes, since they lower blood glucose levels. These sugars are called agavins and the name comes from the agave plant, which is used for making tequila.

Mercedes G. López, Ph.D, who is one of the researches at the Advanced Biotechnology and Biochemistry institute in Guanajuato stated the following: "We have found that since agavins reduce glucose levels and increase GLP-1, they also increase the amount of insulin." GLP-1, is a hormone that prevents the stomach from emptying. In other words, drinking tequila makes you less likely to eat, which in turn helps you with weight loss.

Researchers tested this on mice, by adding agavins to their water. Mice who drank water mixed with agavins had lower blood glucose levels and produced the GLP-1 hormone.

So how cool is that? Long gone are the days when you’d only drink for drinking’s sake. Now your drinking will have a purpose. When someone says you have a drinking problem, you can say that you actually have a weight problem. If you are depressed about your weight the answer is at the bottom of tequila shot. Finally, if you feel guilty for having extra shots, you no longer have to. You should in fact encourage yourself to further assist your weight loss.         

It’s Gruesome But Effective

If all these don’t work, there’s another strategy you can implore to help you achieve your goal. One that we strongly recommend you to avoid. This is your final gambit in the battle against calories, I like to call it “The Cleansing Eruption” and let me be clear, you should never resort to this technique. If you do, it’ll take days before you can use it again (or have any sort of alcohol go through your system). You can probably guess how it works: you have so many shots that your stomach simply can’t handle any more. You activate one of our natural defence mechanisms and start to release all of the substances from your stomach.

To put it bluntly, you start to vomit, and since your stomach is truly irritated with all the tequila shots you’ve consumed, the process may last for a whole night, and there is also a chance you might need medical assistance. Moreover, you are bound to dehydrate and since you’ll be extremely weak the morning after, it will take you some time to recover. But don’t worry, because your stomach will recover more slowly which means that you are less likely to be hungry any time soon. So you’ll be suffering but you’ll also be horrified by the idea of food. And you know what no food means –calorie loss 101.

See Also: Can Smart Drugs Make You Work Harder?

So you see, next time someone accuses tequila, share this article with them to prove them wrong. Of course we are not sure if this weight loss strategy won’t cost you your job, your money and your life, so we’d suggest you didn’t go all in. Alcoholism is a dangerous hobby to have. In fact, we all know there are much better ways to get in shape -you know there’s such a thing called a gym and a healthy diet, but let’s be honest, there’s no way that any of that is half as fun as drinking tequila.

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