Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WEB & TECH / DEC. 19, 2014
version 6, draft 6

How Google is Going to Take Over the World

Google Kind of the World

Google is a tour de force in the technological arena. It has dabbled in everything from search engines to self-driving cars and they have pushed the envelope so far that it probably resides in a different dimension (which I’m sure they’ll discover eventually). Now with the new Google [x] division they are delving into science fiction applications and trying to bring them to the real world (these are the words of their lead scientist). Enjoy this exciting and jubilant time of exploration and discovery because sooner or later Google is going to take over the world.

Google [x]

Google [x] is a semisecret division of Google dedicated exclusively to technological advances. It’s housed in a facility called Googleplex, and if that doesn’t sound like a mad scientist’s lair then you are not very well versed in the tropes of super-villainy. If that wasn’t enough extraneous proof that Google is trying to take over the world their lead scientist at Google [x] is named Dr. Astro Teller Captain of the Moonshots. Granted he could also be the lead character in a 1980’s Saturday Morning Cartoon with a name like Dr. Astro Teller Captain of the Moonshots.

Astro Teller

Experiments at Googleplex

The most recent publicized experiment out of the Google [x] facility is the self-driving car. Granted this is more amazing than nefarious but do you really look forward to screaming at your car: “GO RIGHT, NO YOU STUPID THING NOT TURN TIGHT!!! RIGHT! NOOOO I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT, ah screw it I’ll take the bus. Google car stop. NO NOT HOP, STOP!!!!” I’m just assuming in this scenario that the Google self-driving car has the same characteristics as Herbie the Love Bug but with search-engine capabilities.

Joking aside and in attempt to fear-monger (because I love to see people run about chaotically in panic waving their hands above their heads), think about it: Google made a car that can essentially take you hostage. Not only that but you’ll be most probably tracked (it needs GPS to work) and asked incessantly if you would like to participate in anonymous surveys or use Chrome as your default browser. By your car.

Self Driving Car

Project Glass

Another experiment being worked on is Project Glass which is essentially a see-through glass display. Another thing that on the surface seems pretty sweet but has horrifying ramifications. The average adult’s attention span in the last ten years has dropped from 12 minutes to 5 minutes. In developmental terms that’s a minute less than a cognitively healthy 2 year old. If we are able to integrate screens into our glasses, windows, mirrors or windshields what do you think will happen? We will be a bunch of shambling, drooling biological digital-media garbage dumps. I’m not going to lie though it’s going to be pretty sweet to watch YouTube while you shave.

Project Glass

Project Loon

This one’s my favorite; it’s a network of “internet” balloons to service people in remote and rural areas. These balloons will float into the atmosphere and then the user will connect to them via special antenna. This could give internet connectivity to areas that may have never even seen a computer before. Be wary though because as in the fable Red Riding Hood, what big eyes you have was answered with “All the better to see you with”. Could: ’what big balloons you have’ be answered similarly? Nope, because most people wouldn’t be able to get over that hilarious euphemism.

Project Loon

Makani Power

A recent acquisition of the Google [x] division; Makani Power is an airborne power turbine. It’s basically a kite that generates power via turbines on its wing (although it looks more like a glider than a kite). It creates 30% more energy with 50% less materials and can be on a tether that reaches 250m opposed to only 100m height normal wind turbines have. So they’ve got the search-engine market, smartphone market, internet market and now energy market.

Liftware/Life science Division

For a moment I’m going to talk seriously as this initiative will benefit many people that are afflicted by a horrible disease: Parkinson’s. This disease affects the brain and causes tremors which can influence almost all aspects of the patient’s life. Liftware is a device that uses sensors to steady the end of the spoon even though the user’s hand might shake. This could help thousands if not millions gain this small part of their independence back.


Going beyond that they are also working on smart contact lenses that will constantly analyse glucose in diabetics’ tears, nanoparticles that will detect disease and collection of genetic material from different people to create a picture of a person in perfect health.

Artificial Neural Network

A neural network is basically a brain. Google’s intended purpose for this artificial brain is for speech recognition and computer vision (which has nothing to do with the 1982 B’ Movie of the same name). They’re basically building a Terminator brain. All they have to do now is acquire a company that makes anthropomorphic robots and they’ll have everything they need to create a murderously stabby robo-killer. They already do? Yep, a company named Boston Dynamics which its sole purpose on earth is to create robotic nightmare fodder. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the video after the break.

Do you think Google will pull a Matrix and make us biological batteries for their servers? Even Stephen Hawkins believes that A.I. (artificial intelligence) will be the human race’s undoing. So craw into your underground bunkers and but on your foil hats, but first leave a comment in the section below.

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