HUMAN RESOURCES / NOV. 27, 2014
version 5, draft 5

How NOT to Avoid Conflict in the Workspace

conflict at work
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The workplace is a microcosm of society. There are certain parameters that you should follow and things that are frowned upon. For example, I found out the hard way that wearing a horse mask to casual Friday is completely unacceptable. There will be conflicts that arise and why avoid them? Here are a few ways how not to avoid conflict.

Push back

The world is regulated by strict hierarchy or “pecking” order. Everyone has someone above them and that’s just the way of the modern world. When a supervisor approaches you and asks you to do something, ask them if they can do it themselves. Creating this sort of fiction is bound to get a reaction from your supervisor.

Insolence

Insolence is defined as rude, disrespectful behavior. Again if given a task respond in a very sarcastic way. Appropriate come-backs would be “Who died and made you the King/Queen.” “Do I look like someone that gives a d*mn.” And the very widely used “Frankly dear I don’t give a d*mn”.

Abuse common spaces

As with any group of individuals that share common spaces there are bound to be conflicts. In the kitchenette make sure to make the biggest mess possible when having your morning coffee. In the restroom use all the toilet paper to cover the floor so you don’t get your shoes “germy”. When putting your food in the refrigerator smash everything to the side to free up shelve space.

Be Unproductive

For maximum effectiveness be as obvious and blatant as possible. Take off your shoes and place your feet up on the desk. Have a very blasé demeanor no matter what you are doing. Yawn as much as possible. Eventually, your work will be given to someone else that will be displeased. This is definitely not going to be a “Conflict free” zone.   

Don’t listen

When spoken to or asked to do something respond with a disregarding wave of your hand and a “pffft”.

Whistle, hum or drum your fingers

People that try to avoid conflict generally will try to be as unobtrusive as possible.  You on the other hand love to be abrasive. Hum the latest ear-worm pop tune that everyone hates while you tap your fingers to the beat. When you’re doing anything whistle to make the time go by. You’ll have people at your throat trying to choke to tunes right out of you.

Be Offensive

Being a bigoted sexist usually marks significantly high in peoples pet peeves. Jokes about race, gender and hair color are all highly contestable and will be sure to raise the drama bar to Amanda Bynes standards.

Be Offensive No. 2

It sometimes isn’t enough to offend someone’s sensibilities but you could also venture into the realm of offending their actual senses. Wearing revealing clothing can help in that. You can use cologne that smells like pine needles dipped in kerosene or don’t wear any cologne, stop showering and eat tons of garlic. These are all methods that will help you make your boring uneventful job a full blown war-zone.

Do you like conflict and drama at the workplace? Are you a reality show host and need conflict to get ratings up? Then let us know about your experience with conflict in the comment section below. You antagonizing beastie.

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