Bad bosses are everywhere…under cars, under buses, plummeting off of twenty story buildings…no, that’s not right…it’s just wishful thinking.
See Also: How To Work For A Truly Evil Boss
The truth is bad bosses have a very specific way they communicate. It’s usually with snarky sarcasm and condescending put downs. That doesn’t mean that you can pay in kind though, because bad bosses also happen to be vindictive, mean-spirited human beings. You need to be careful when talking to them or else you could lose your job. So, here’s how (not) to talk to your bad boss.
Usually when you’re arguing or talking with someone, you want to avoid personal or character assault. But we’re talking about a bad boss here, so everything goes. Usually they give you tons of material to work with, too, from ill-fitting suits (or pants suits), questionable facial hair styling choices (who even has a soul-patch anymore) and facts they stubbornly stick to even though they are rooted in complete and utter ignorance. Although they might treat it like a dog with a bone, no matter how stubborn you are that won’t make Mars a star…it’s a planet. So, laugh it up, point condescendingly and mock everything about your bad boss, what’s the worst he can do?
2. Raising The Stakes
There is nothing more annoying, obnoxious and uncouth than raising your voice during a passionate discussion. I know that they are called “passionate” discussions but if you can’t hold it then don’t get into an argument. Those are the rules written by the streets, not me. Of course bad bosses generally (if not always) are wretched communicators, so instead of using their superior intellect to dominate during an argument like Lupe Fiasco did in this video, they just raise their voice until they acoustically drown out the person across from them. Well, in this case you should do the same thing, it doesn’t even need to be relevant tothe conversation, all you have to do is drown out your bad boss’s ignorant statement of Mars being a star. No and if Pluto can be demoted from a planet to a dwarf planet, then you can demote Mars to a star isn’t a valid argument.
3. Physical Violence
Remember this article is about how “not” to talk to your bad boss. If you actually follow most of these guidelines you probably will end up fired, arrested or fired and arrested. So, with that being said…a great way to keep your bad boss’s attention if he/she constantly tries to walk away, talk over you or completely ignore you is putting them into a head lock. While holding them literally captivated, you’ll be able to get across any concerns, ideas or solutions you might have. If that fails you could always tie/handcuff them to a radiator, water pipe…but never an office chair. Why not an office chair? Well because it has wheels that could help your bad boss get away…I guess you could take the wheels off, but why bother when a radiator has that whole serial killer flair.
4. Multi-use Violence
Physical violence can not only be used to convey your ideas but to reinforce them. For example, you are (yet again) arguing with your bad boss about Mars status as a star not a planet. I don’t know if you are familiar with Pavlov’s dog, but basically if someone does something you don’t like you make them feel discomfort until they modify their behavior. So every time your boss says “Mars is a freakin’ star!!!” just look at them emotionlessly and proceed to give them a purple nurple. If they repeat it then give them a Happy Corner (check the video out it’s worth it). Oh you don’t know what a Happy Corner is? Basically a group of bullies pick you up, separate your legs and either rub your crotch area on something immobile or in the case of the video, a human being and a basketball…because what can be more disquieting than sexual arousal and humiliation. If they still insist punch them in the face that should effectively get your point across.
Another indication of a bad communicator is their inability to converse without wild hand gestures and excessive aggressive pointing. So to counteract that every time they start aggressively pointing in your direction, extend your own index finger and touch the end of theirs ala E.T.This should distract them long enough for you to either run away or contribute the conversation that you haven’t managed to because of the constant pointing. If they are unphased by touching the end of their finger, keep your finger on theirs and just continue staring. You could also go back to the previous solution and just punch them in the face.
This is something you should definitely use when talking with a bad boss. Tell them to f*ck off, eat sh%t, get their b$lls ripped off by a rabid badger and get f$cked by a well-endowed elephant. It’s ok they use it too, I mean your bad boss actually threatens to kill you on a monthly basis so I don’t think they’d be bother by some course language right. Right? If personal verbal attacks don’t work then try lobbing them at your bosses loved ones (including spouses, parents and children) that should defuse and extremely stressful situation in no time.
See Also: How to Be a Good Boss
Do you know of any other ways you shouldn’t talk to bad boss? Let us know in the comment section below.