WEB & TECH / APR. 08, 2016
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How Well Protected Is Your Workplace?

The world has become a terrible, horrifying and dangerous place. Beyond physical attacks, we are also exposed to diseases, natural disasters and cyber-attacks. So can your workplace can hold up to a hacker attack and the fall of society? Let’s take a look.

See Also: The Most Dangerous Police Forces to Work for Around the World

Zombie Proof

With all this Hollywood hype regarding zombies, it’s a threat that is preoccupying more and more office workers. Does your office’s floor plan allow for a quick escape? Is there more than one way to get out of a room? Does your workplace has an availability of bludgeoning weapons that can be used if one of your co-workers becomes a member of the undead?

If your office does not have any of these, you might want to consider taking the appropriate defense measure yourself. Add a bit of rock and roll attitude to your cubicle with an enclosure of razor wire for example or maybe even electrified fencing…I’m not sure if that actually perturbs zombies, though. If your office is on the second story, you might want to consider quitting your job and finding something in the food industry; there are plenty of weapons in the form of skillets, knives, rolling pins and pots and pans can make very effective armor.

Spying

So we all have heard how almost every nation in the world has been spying on their citizens for their own “protection”. During your working day, you communicate via email, viber, Skype and maybe even the occasional phone call even though that’s so 2000. But does your office have a robust enough security system to avoid being spied on?

You know what is almost impossible to spy on? Internal handwritten memos. When a co-worker contacts you electronically, answer with a handwritten note and then deliver it to them face to face telling them as you drop it on their desk “It’s for your own good, they’re watching.”

Demon Possession

Possession is a real threat in the workplace. As of last year, 1353 labor-hours were lost due to paranormal disruptions in the U.S. alone (unconfirmed). Does your office have a cache of holy water on hand in case of such disturbances? Is anyone in the office an ordained priest? Well don’t worry since the advent of the internet even religious relics can be easily sourced and delivered straight to your door.

Choose from saint’s fingers, toes or skull fragments, talismans, juju bags or just keep it old school and purchase a huge cross to decorate your cubicle. An added unseen benefit of converting your cubicle into a reliquary is that people will be extremely weary of you and thus not bother you throughout the day!

Abduction

As in the X-Files, even the world’s biggest skeptic can fall victim to alien abductions. They usually come at night, or on abandoned roads in the rural United States, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you would like to avoid a good probing all you have to do is make a nice hat out of heavy duty aluminum foil. If they can’t read your mind, they won’t be able to take you…this also has the same social effects as the previous solution.

See Also: Corporate Fashion Advice from a Deranged Street Preacher

Are there any other ways you can keep your office secure. Let us know in the comment section below.

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