WORK-LIFE BALANCE / MAR. 20, 2015
version 3, draft 3

If Fortune 500 Companies Were Run by Ruthless Generals

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Leaders of industry and Generals share many characteristics; they are all ruthless, overly ambitious and have high concentrations of sociopaths in their respected fields. For the sake of advancing their country’s and company’s interests, they are comfortable with any collateral damage, as a result. What would happen though if these ruthless generals took the helm of famous companies and which would be the best fit for them?

See Also: How to Land a Job Interview with a Fortune 500 Company

Julius Caesar - Apple

The reason I think Caesar would choose Apple is due to his propensity for lavish, white palaces and his expert negotiation skills which are very important for a company that consistently releases buggy hardware. He also was a master of political partnerships to further both his personal power and wealth and also that of Rome (see Apple/Beats Audio by Dr. Dre). Caesar also did things which displeased the citizens of Rome, like Apple’s unauthorized download of the U2’s album to 500 million iTunes customers worldwide. Much like Apple hypes up the release of each and every one of their devices making fan-boys practically riot, Caesar actually paid soldiers to incite and riot. 23 dagger thrusts and a faux historical quote (as documented by a British writer thousands of years later)  “Et tu Brute?” would probably turn into 23 versions of the latest iPhone with “Et tu Andriod?

Genghis Khan – Match.com

OK relax Mr. Moneybags I know that Match.com isn’t a Fortune 500 company, but I’m writing this, and I think that this brutal and long deceased Asian General would be a great dating site CEO. The company is still worth 790 million dollars, so yeah. Also, Match.com currently controls a whopping 28% of the online internet dating market, which is what Khan wanted to do and succeeded, by destroying separated tribes and then uniting them under his rule. He also had no problem killing his own soldiers and generals, which is exactly what Match.com did to 2003 CEO Tim Sullivan and 30 ‘foot soldiers’ after a failed marketing campaign. The fact that he also had a long roster of wives and children (some say thousands) is also a plus while running a dating site empire. Genghis is also estimated to be responsible for killing 40 million people so maybe facilitating some more baby-making might gain him some good karma.

Marc Antony – AIG

Marc Antony was a bit of a party boy; he liked to gamble, sleep around and sword things to death. Due to a life of excess (OK and angry ancient Italian debtors) he was forced to exile himself to Greece, which isn’t that bad of a self-inflicted punishment. After getting busy with Cleopatra and marrying his adversary’s sister, his mentor Caesar was Et-tu-Brute-d   (that’s publicly assassinated by his own senators, in the senate) he returned to declare himself Rome’s ruler. He would be a perfect fit for AIG because although they were bailed out (with taxpayers’ money) to the sum of 61.7 billion which they used 1.2 billion of (taxpayers’ dollars I would like to remind you) to pay bonuses across the company. Both were berated by their opponents for unethical conduct, so they seem like a match made in heaven. Oh and, by the way, even after everything has been said and done, AIG is still a Fortune 500 company.

Alexander the Great – Google

As I’ve mentioned in other articles, I’m pretty sure at this point that Google is trying to take over the world and who better to lead them than a person that actually did conquer the world? Alexander had managed to conquer everything between the Ganges in India, to Macedonia, but he wasn’t as ruthless (I said as ruthless, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t) as other generals. Going as far as acting as match-maker between the Macedonians and Persians to create a new ruling class. How many websites can you sign in for using your Google account? See where I’m going with this? He was an amazing tactician too, and Google wouldn’t exactly be considered a slouch when it comes to strategic planning (if you ignore Google Glass). I image if Alexander were Google’s CEO he would probably go as far as convincing Mark Zuckerberg to sell him Facebook and then befriend him to run it.

See Also: How to Make a Fortune Marrying a Serial Killer

Are there any other generals from history that would be a great leader in industry? Let me know in the comment section below.  

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