Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / SEP. 19, 2015
version 8, draft 8

If Jobs Had Epic Soundtracks

So we’ve all envisioned ourselves doing something epic while a pompous musical score plays in the background. Unfortunately, however, life is a lot less slow motion explosion walks (because cool guys never look at explosions; see video below for proof) and a lot more avoiding your boss when you’ve made a horrific mistake. For a moment, let’s dive into the absurd and assume that real life did come with a soundtrack and every profession was accompanied with a fist-pumping anthem. This is if jobs had epic soundtracks.

See Also: Spandex and Hairspray: 80’s Songs To Get You Motivated Before Work

I would like to warn readers that many of these videos contain coarse language, sexual connotations or themes, so if you’re easily offended, maybe avoid this article. Although I’m a huge fan of making people gasp in indignation and making monocles pop out, I really don’t enjoy being berated in the comments section. Alright, so let’s get this motherf*cking song train on the motherf*cking road… Oh, the article might have some less than elegant prose, too.

1. Managerial Position

As you have noticed already, The Lonely Island is going to be heavily represented in this list. They’re funny, they’re raunchy as hell and, I reiterate: they’re funny. Here they present what being a supervisor, manager or administrator involves and the privileges that come with the responsibilities, i.e.: your own private bathroom. Of course it also presents a very human side of these people we often look up to and how they deal with interpersonal relationships and rejection.

2. Customer Service / Retail / Food Service Position

Who wouldn’t want a gangsta rap-inspired ditty while doing one of the worst jobs in the world? (Maybe even the universe, but that might be hyperbole. But ask anyone that has ever worked in customer service, retail, or the food service, and they will readily concur). Sure you could be the definition of mediocrity and of the mundane, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a phat bass line while you flip burgers/fold unfolded clothes and reshelf items/talk down an irate customer that wanted one pickle on their burger, not two.

3. Chartered Boat Captain

Chartered boat captains have it good; they get to do what everyone wants to do on a boat: drive it. They get paid to island-hop, wear a sailor’s cap, smoke a pipe, and it’s probably the only profession that allows for infinite use of Jaws quotations. Sweet gig! I know that the selection of this video was relatively uncreative, but hey… I’m on a motherf*cking boat (actually I’m in an office, but I have an inner ear issue that makes me feel like I’m on a boat).

4. Self-Defense / Boxing / Personal Fitness Coach

Are you genuinely surprised? Now that I think about it, self-defense, boxing, and personal fitness coaches are probably the only professionals that actually do have a soundtrack for their jobs. I mean, most gyms blare EDM, 80s rock, or this – whatever it is. So yeah, they don’t deserve a soundtrack. Screw them!

Moving on.

5. Sperm Donor

You get to pass on your genetic material, get paid to do something you already do compulsively, and you literally make something out of nothing. Of course you might have a problem meeting the demands of the job if you’re, well, as sensitive as the guys in the video.

6. Law Enforcement Officer

The only reason I’m giving you this awesomely epic song, coppers, is because you have the distinction of being the only profession on the face of this planet that a moustache is appropriate work attire, nay mandated work attire. And, honestly, every time I watch this video, I become highly envious of any pornstache that happens into my vicinity.

7. Medical Professionals / Marijuana Repository Owner with PhD

This was a hard one because, honestly, although doctors help people and I would never deny that, they don’t necessary always make you feel good… Well, they do, but sometimes they have to hurt you to achieve that (see: prostate exam). I realize that, and the alternative I propose is extremely specific, but honestly: it’s a doctor who in fact is there specifically to make you feel good.

8. Truckers

Although this classical musical piece has been eternally associated with the Vietnam war drama Apocalypse Now and, more specifically, the scene with a squadron of helicopters raining hellfire on a Viet Cong encampment, I think this is unfair, because if there is only one thing that looks like a modern day Viking, it’s a bearded long-haul trucker, traveling in his/her (women can have beards, too; keep an open mind…) land-boat, picking up merchandise (that’s kind of like pillaging, right?), feasting on roadside fast food, drinking in establishments of ill repute, and doing speed. Vikings did speed, right? It’s not like history denies it or anything.

9. Manager

There are two distinctly different types of managers/supervisors in the world: the friendly, constructive types that support and trust their team to do their work, and then there’s the loathsome, micromanaging burden of a human that employees expend more energy avoiding than using to complete their workload. Well, if there is one boss from the collective pop consciousness that embodies this, it would be none other than Darth Vader. I mean, he strangled a guy for something as mundane as misplacing some plans. OK, the other guy was talking smack about his religion and it’s universally known that religion, politics and work do not mix.

10. Curator for the Museum of Gaming History

This is an actual position in an actual museum, even though its website looks like it was won in a 90s poker game in the backroom of a Korean BBQ Joint. It seems like it would be a thankless, boring job because, honestly, how many people out there are passionate about vintage roulette tables and slot machines?

It would be a little bit better if was in Las Vegas, but this museum is actually located in Virginia City, a city which is technically in the Reno-Sparks metropolitan area but far from anything metropolitan. With a booming, bustling 855 inhabitants, you know that the city will be asleep by 11 pm. Their motto is literally “Step back into time”. Their list of “arts and culture” attractions regrettably includes two cemeteries. Well, that’s why you need this gritty hard rock face-melter as your soundtrack… to basically keep you awake.

See Also: 10 Professional Wrestlers With Awful Music Careers

Are there any other songs that you hear in your head while you work? Let me know in the comments section below. Although I’m not a cop, I do play “Sabotage” on repeat in my head; what’s yours? Am I the only person that hears music in his head?

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