HUMAN RESOURCES / FEB. 25, 2015
version 7, draft 7

If You Had to Give Oscars at Work

The Oscars or the Academy Awards are a phantasmagoric celebration of all the cinematic things of the past year. Music, actors, supporting actors, sets, costume design and of course movies (give me a break I’m just trying to bring up my word count). Your office is chalked full of different personalities, temperaments, situations, and for the sake of this article, can seem a lot like a movie. Come with me as we delve into the glamorous awards for office personalities and politics.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen I would like to welcome you to the first annual Office Oscars, I will be you host, Interrupting Office Alpha. I was self-appointed as host because I never allow anyone else to speak anyway. Honestly though who needs to speak with performances like these! Our first award category will be:

Best Costumes that Make Everyone else Around them feel Frumpy and Inadequate.

Nancy in accounting, always dressed to the T, with hair teased to perfection, Nancy would make a Drag-Queen feel underdone.

 

Laurence in Marketing has made it an art of combining excessively large scarfs with business casual. With an extensive collection of designer eyewear, he would give Lenny Kravitz and Kayne West’s love child a run for its money.

Timothy in Accounts reminds us every day that the gym is just a 20 min jog from work. His excessively large biceps and quads make the structural integrity of his suits the eighth wonder of the world.

 

The envelope, please.

The award goes to Nancy in accounting! Thank you, Nancy for making us feel like creeps because of your exceptionally, borderline inappropriately tight clothes and your 6 days a week workout regimen. You have inspired us all to eat the last, three day old donut in the kitchenette.

There goes Nancy! I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you go! What? That’s sexual harassment? And sexist? I’m the host!!!

I apologize for the small commercial break ladies and gentlemen, but I had to speak with HR. Our next award will be for:

Best Dramatic Office Performance

And our nominees are:

Linda, for her reenactment of Chicken Little. Every day. Linda has been consistently losing it over the smallest, stress-less items, in such high energy fashion that she would make Joe Pesci seem like a subtle and nuanced actor. A consistently daily performer she is never perturbed by the menial nature of the issue, she will cuss, spit and swear even if the issue is the resending of an email. Thank you for the many memorable moments Linda.

Tom, for his portrayal of a Bull in a China Shop. If you hear banging, angry shuffling of paper or swearing of the most vulgar fashion, you don’t have to look further than Tom’s desk. His performances come at a high cost though, three keyboards, two broken pinkies, and a stress inflicted nervous tick that is impressive considering he’s not even method acting. He completely embodies his role of a man on the brink of insanity and on the threshold of doing something extremely anti-social. Thank you, Tom for making us all duck under our desks anytime we hear a loud noise. Tom everyone! Well, that gesture was uncalled for Tom, did he call me a clock ducking bore?

Greg, for his depiction of The Loudest Man In the World. When Greg was growing up, he had never heard of the term inside voice. His boisterous laughing, telephone conversations and arguments bring a lively character to the cubicle farm, especially any time you are trying to concentrate. His loud voice has given many a small heart attack and has startled a bit of pee out every single person in this room. Thank you for the many pairs of ruined underwear Greg! I’m right next to you Greg you can lower your voice.

The envelope, please.

The award for best performance goes too…

Tom!!! For his Bull in a China Shop role! Come up here Tom and receive your award. Yes, I guess you can use the award like a club…

Ladies and gentleman, our live broadcasting of the Office Oscars has been cancelled due to the severe bodily injury of the host Office Alpha. If you have any other nominees please add them to the comment box below for consideration by the Academy.

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