JOB SEARCH / MAR. 22, 2015
version 4, draft 4

Jobs Perfect for Bond Villains

James Bond is so boring; he’s a debonair spy, that always gets the girl and has an accent that fluctuates between posh British/Scottish, to something else most of us can’t recognize. Every single movie he makes he does the same exact thing; he punches some bad guys, poses around with a gun, drives a cool car and gets the girl. He’ll always have a job because his role doesn’t change much, but what does a poor, humiliated and now unemployed Bond Villian do? Well here’s a list of suggestions for the man with the golden nothing, because Bond destroyed your secret lair.

La Chiffre – Casino Royale, Venture Capitalist

A venture capitalist is an entrepreneur that invests in start-up companies. La Chiffre, as seen in Casino Royale, is a man that enjoys to gamble and that’s pretty much what V.C.s do. Also, before he was a Casino Royale gambler, he invested in a string of brothels but lost his investment due to legal issues surrounding prostitution. Pesky laws.

Jaws – The Spy that Love Me, Stuntman

For those unfamiliar Jaws was a mountainous man with steel teeth that could even cut through thick steel cable? Not only was he extremely strong but he also seemed to be able to take hit after hit and still come back unscathed. So what better profession than being set on fire, jumping out of buildings and falling of dangerous precipices?

Oddjob – Goldfinger, Personal Security to the stars

Although his last employer Auric Goldfinger might not be the best reference (he dies by being sucked out of an airplane) Oddjob did still keep Goldfinger alive for most of the film. Add to that, that he is basically incomprehensible to anyone but Goldfinger (who is dead anyway) and you have the perfect Hollywood bodyguard that can keep his mouth shut (and even if he didn’t no one would understand him), philander away fearlessly frail starlet!

Hugo Drax – Moonraker, Space X CEO

Sure he tried to nuke London off the face of the map, but that took some real leadership abilities to coordinate engineers, scientists and technicians all while avoiding apprehension and revealing his deviant plans. He also owned Drax Industries, which manufactured space shuttles. What else would you want in a CEO Mr. Musk, he’s familiar with space exploration and cooked the books a bit. You might even want to consider him for Tesla.

Emilio Largo/ Ernst Stavro Blofeld – Thunderball, Corporate Mergers and Acquisition Executives

Largo and Blofeld not only became the archetypes for almost any bad guy succeeding the James Bond movie Thunderball, they also have a great mind for negotiation. They manage to “acquire” two NATO nuclear weapons and hold them as “collateral” for 100 million British Pounds. Even though their plan is thwarted by Bond, it takes tenacity and strong negotiation skills to take on such an ambitious endeavor, which will be a valuable asset during any merger attempt. Also judging from Blofeld’s later track-record, collateral damage isn’t an issue, and during a hostile corporate take-over there is bound to be collateral damage and you definitely want someone that won’t be shaken by that fact. 

See Also: What If Super Villains Worked Menial Jobs

Is there another Bond villain that you think would make a good leader of industry? Executive’s are known to be slightly sociopathic, so don’t worry! Let me know in the comment section below.

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