Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
CAREER DEVELOPMENT / APR. 18, 2015
version 6, draft 6

How to Keep Your Job During the Apocalypse

You daily commute is hell, burning buildings, packs of ravaged lunatics prowling for easy prey, explosions peppering the uneasy quiet and pot-holes the size of asteroid craters. You have a perfect attendance record, and you’re not about to ruin that because of the stupid societal collapse. There are some things to consider though when all the world’s governments have been replaced with Pygmy Warlords. Here’s how to keep your job during the apocalypse.

See Also: Strange Easter Traditions From Around The World

Make you commute more comfortable

A happy and healthy employee is a productive employee. Having a comfortable, safe commute can deliver you to your place of employment ready to tackle those (surprisingly diminished) mounds of accounts receivable folders (man, since Nancy started to wear rabbit furs and joined that band of nomads, she’s really dropped the ball). These are a few simple upgrades that you can do to ensure safe travels.

Plow Blade

Although rush hour isn’t that much of a problem anymore, you’re bound to find plenty of obstacles that will slow you down on your way to work. You can expect to find rubble from bombed out buildings littering the streets, abandoned cars and even the occasional band of marauders. And those marauders don’t want your stash of Snickers your silly goose! They want your gas, car and your tendons to make bows out of! So just plow right through them and continue on your merry little way.

Big Tires

Your plow will only be as effective as your ability to go over things. Do you want to be stuck in the radioactive atmosphere because you couldn’t drive over a highway divider? Of course not! So just slap some big tires on that 94 Civic and get your tush to work! Add run-flat tires, and you’ll be able to run through all those bandits’ roadblocks like it nobody’s business!

Upgrade your entire rig

Look, it’s hectic out there, but you’re still getting paid and could probably afford an upgrade and especially now that the…well….let’s say the market is significantly smaller, it’s a buyer’s market! Most of the car dealers have been hunkered down at their dealerships and probably haven’t seen anyone in months! And you know that’s a recipe for a great deal! If your negotiation skills are rusty (because let’s face it you haven’t spoken to anyone in almost a year) take a firearm with you which will probably prompt the dealer to give you the “Just take the damn truck, just please don’t kill me” discount. It’s a thing, look it up!

Attire

 

Now that there is no semblance of civilization or government people are running around brandishing everything from rpgs, grenade launchers, full automatic rifles and improvised edged weapons but that doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your style. Just invest in a bulletproof suit that you can buy here. Not convinced?

Co-worker Interactions

Sure you might have a little grudge with Mark since he chopped off your pinky toe in the lunch room. But you have to remember, the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, things like that are bound to happen. Be honest, upfront and non-confrontational. You can ask Mark to kindly to stop wearing your pinky toe around his neck as you find it a bit offensive. And if Darlene jumps out at you in a fear induced frenzy swinging her axe around, step back, breath and ask her how her day is going. 

See Also: 5 Things The Walking Dead Teaches You About The Job Market 

With these simple steps, you should be able to commute comfortably and safely to work, get the job done and get yourself home no matter what the circumstances.

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