HUMAN RESOURCES / FEB. 10, 2015
version 2, draft 2

Keeping Up with the Joneses: How to Throw Someone Under the Bus

Sometime you just have to get down and dirty to keep up. The usual way to hand a competing coworker would be to work harder, longer and kiss more tush than them, but you now have an all too formidable tush smoocher vying for the same promotion as you. What do you do? Well. you throw them under the Burn Bus and leave the carnage behind as you walk into your new corner office. Here’s how to throw someone under the bus.

Watch them like a hawk

We are all humans; even Scott in accounting that claims he’s from Krypton. Humans are flawed-retched beings that make mistakes more often than not. If you keep an eye on Ms. Tush Smoocher, she is bound to botch something and then try to cover it up. Don’t jump the gun; you need to allow her to mess up and then try to fix it. Make sure you have the appropriate documentation to make the case against her, and then reveal her cover-up to upper management. The wheels on the bus go round and round, right over Ms. Tush Smoocher.

Set them up

As Ms. T.S. is going to be eager to please, use this to strategically set her up. She will attempt to go above and beyond, even beyond her own capabilities to prove her worth. All you have to do is have her volunteer (which she will eagerly do to please upper management) for a task she would never be able to do, and wait until the task is completely FUBAR-ed. Then turn around and raise a big stink about how she volunteered and why she volunteered if she couldn’t complete the task. Then gather your promotion from the ashes of her destruction. [Evil Laugh].

Drop the ball (the wrecking ball) on them

This takes a bit more coordination than the other two tactics, but this one pays off in dividends. First you need to brainwash Ms. T.S. into believing that upper management loves team work. You can use things such as “How can you be a project lead if you can’t work within a team” and items to that effect. Eventually blinded by the gleam from the brass ring of promotion, she will happily take on the biggest tsunami-like catastrophes off your hands and try to play the hero. The pain wave won’t just wash over her though; it will also take her career out to sea.

Biological warfare

They say true love is selfless; it is prepared to sacrifice. What a steam heap of malarkey. Find a suitable suitor for your competitor. In the throes of infatuation he/she will be so distracted that it will allow you to walk straight to the promotion without obstacle. They will be in love, content and won’t need that promotion to be happy anymore. You, on the other hand, need it and will take it because after your 14-hour work day, the only thing you go home to is cup-o-noodles and the entire first season of The Mentalist.

Divide and conquer

Sure, your adversary is well-liked amongst your co-workers; he/she is funny, professional and hard-working. There is bound to be that one cynic that hates them for it. Buddy up with that person and throw a bit of kerosene on their hate pyre. Eventually, not only will you have an ally against Mr. Perfect, but the internal strife will make management reconsider them for the promotion.

Have you thrown someone under the bus to achieve professional career goals? Then let us know about what technics you chose to implement to do so in the comment section below.

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