WORK-LIFE BALANCE / AUG. 03, 2015
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Movie Locations That Would Suck to Work at (Even Though They Don’t Seem Like it)

Chris Pratt on Bike

We live in a humdrum reality, where hours blend into days, days melt into months and months turn into years. We are ruled by the minutes, running through a mental checklist of things we need to do to just get by. At the end of the day, you sit on your couch and lull your brain into a stupor with cheap alcohol and even cheaper entertainment. Once in a while though, you think to yourself: “Man it would be really cool to work in one of these movies! Look at that dude jumping out of windows and being suspended from wires!”

Well, in addition to my other hobbies I am also an amateur dream quell-er and in this article I intend to show you how much it would suck to work at one of your favorite movie locations. Hold on, though...just to clarify, I’m not talking about actual jobs in the film industry that any movie buff would love to have. I’m talking about jobs that are in the imaginary worlds that movies depict, well because that will make this article infinitely more interesting.

See Also: Hollywood’s Latest Genre: Old Dude Action Movies

MI5, the CIA, the Kingsmen or any other generic secret services

This has been a surefire recipe for a Hollywood blockbuster for years. Take a handsome (yet regal) leading man/women, slowly add the explosions and other attractive individuals, bake in the box office for a few weeks and voila! You have an easily digestible big budget spy movie. The job looks stupendous too, not only do you get an arsenal of cool gadgets to kill baddies with, but you also get to travel the globe while wearing impeccably tailored suits. The thing is your boss, and the agency you work for will not under any circumstances recognize your employment status. After you leave the covert underground bunker that is located behind the meat counter at the local supermarket, you are on your own.

A lot of employee morale comes from the recognition of their contribution to the company they work for. You will spend 90% of your time saving the planet, and you won’t even be able to use that fact when picking up men/women at the bar. Oh, and forget about having a normal social life because anyone that gets close to you must die to further the plot, in a scene where you hold their lifeless corpse and yell: “NOOOOOOOO!” You can forget any benefits like dental, vision or health insurance too, because if they don’t even recognize you as working for them how are they going to give you medical cover?

Dinosaur Park

I don’t want to get sued by anyone, so I’m not going to apologize for using a generic title. Let’s just say that it’s about this zoo that is populated by post-Triassic reptiles that run amok. OK, do you want me to repeat it slowly or did you get it? Great! Moving on. After the initial novelty wore off, I’m sure that looking after huge animals would be exponentially challenging. On top of that, add the fact the facilities aren’t exactly up to snuff to enclose and keep in these leviathan sized reptiles, as seen in the movies. I mean the dinosaurs chase little kids, eat a couple of lawyers…it’s a sh*t-storm. And a zoo where the animals eat the patrons isn’t going to make money for very long.

As the money runs out, you can assume that the facility’s upkeep is going to be neglected further, allowing more dinosaurs to escape their enclosures and relieve themselves all over the park. Considering they cut staff due to cost issues, who do you, think is going to have to clean up the mess? Sooner or later you are going to find yourself at the unemployment office with the only thing on your resume being: Dinosaur Wrangler/Action Figure Model. Those aren’t the most marketable of skills.

Anything with sentient inanimate objects

As seen in an absurd series of movies about teenage magic doers at magic school (you know what I’m talking about), who never once used their powers to procure alcohol, drugs or for sex. As well as a movie about a toy store which has moods and is owned by a questionably cast Dustin Hoffman (he’s Rainman and always will be Rainman to me). Why you ask, would it suck to work in such amazing enchanted places, you always have company even when you’re alone. You can train various items to do your work for you (oh you’ve really thought this through haven’t you?) and you know the nude paintings party hard. Sure you might think those are great perks but honestly they really aren’t.

Imagine yourself in the area of the magic school with the moving stairs and floor to ceiling sentient paintings and the cacophony they would create. Trying to tolerate that while trying to complete your daily duties would be an eight hour long, maddening experience. Now let’s take a look at the toy store populated with toys that have a mind of their own. Have you ever heard of the saying: “It’s like trying to corral cats”? Well, that’s how difficult it would be to get sentient toys to stay in their place at the end of the day. Imagine trying to get anything done with toy cars whizzing under your feet at every step, airplanes dive bombing you and cute stuffed animals wanting hugs. How can you deny a cute little plush animal a hug? If you have a soul, you can’t which also means you’ll never get anything done.

Any Super Hero Movie

Sure it would be great if all crime were quelled by a spandex clad superhuman. But you need to remember every spandex clad superhero has an equivalent spandex clad supervillain with a trove of spandex clad henchmen. The world of the superhero movie has more spandex than a gymnastics convention. While being constantly exposed to the outline of various peoples’ genitals through spandex is bad enough it’s even worse if that person is trying to take your wallet. To add insult to injury just look at how much damage the cities these superheroes live accrue. Can you image the city tax you’d pay?!! Oh and, of course, the danger of seriously bodily harm, because your office building was dissected by a heat ray shot out of you hero’s eyes. It’s all fun and games until Nancy from accounting gets bisected.  

So say you avoided being exposed to overly snug clothing and eye lasers. Imagine the nightmare of driving through the aftermath of an epic fight for the salvation of humanity. There would always be road work, traffic, massive craters everywhere, and you can forget about public transportation because supervillains favorite things to throw at heroes are trains, buses and subway cars. Finally how inadequate would you feel if you went to a bar and found one of these guys there? You wouldn’t be able to talk to a single (and I’m talking about marital status here guys) person there. They would all be swooning around the spandex clad Grecian hero (be honest have you ever seen a superhero without a body like Adonis?) with the very sizable, very visible lower carriage.

See Also: The Weird Art-Science of Sound Design

Is there any other location that seems like it would be cool to live and work in, but on second thought would suck? Let me know in the comment section below.

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