WORK-LIFE BALANCE / JUN. 03, 2015
version 6, draft 6

Natural Remedies that Help you "Rise" to the Occasion

love and natural remedies
istock

The modern world is a wondrous place. Advancements in technology have allowed us to live much more comfortable, longer and healthier lives. In the attempt to extend our lives science had inadvertently stumbled upon a heart pill that had some pretty unforeseen side-effects. I’ll give you a hint: it’s small, blue and has been helping grandpa and grandma get their groove on since its inception. Yup! You guessed it, the erectile dysfunction wonder-drug Viagra has helped many a wrinkly wanton get up-and-at-‘em. The thing is that you are a one of those vegan, aging hippie types and would prefer to go the organic, natural root than pump yourself full of pharmaceuticals. Well, let’s see if you I can help you get your freak on with your less than shaved, also elderly hippie lady or man. [Shudder]

See Also: Which Workers Have the Best Sex Lives?

Just an initial disclaimer, we will move from the most innocuous of methods to the most insane, mind shattering, WTF?!!! solutions. So if you’re a little squeamish, you might want to strap in. Although this article may seem like a “how to” I’m not sure I would recommend the most extreme methods.

The simple, stupid solution – Put on some socks

Dutch Researcher, Gert Holstege, found that when socks feet-hug a female, it calms down her prefrontal cortex and amygdala which are structures in the brain that regulate fear, perception of danger signals and anxiety. Since you’re reading this article I’m going to assume you’re aware of how much of a mood killer anxiety is. So when you’re slipping on your love sock, make sure your sexy partner slips on some real socks, which she will be wearing during sex (so doesn’t that make them love socks too?) Because we all know the more your partner is enjoying it, the more you will too. So yeah, make sure you’re both wearing the respective type of sock, on the correct part of your anatomy. Mixing up what goes where will probably result in high friction love making and frictionless feet. Oh, and that whole unwanted pregnancy thing.

The simple, stupid solution 2 – Get some sun

So we all know the benefits of Vitamin D. You don’t even know where it comes from? OK, sit in a circle around my chair and I’ll tell you all about the amazing Vitamin D. So Vitamin D helps with the absorption of many different important minerals including calcium and iron. This is where the D gets a little strange. There are very few foods, if any, that actually contain the vitamin. It is instead made in the skin using UVB radiation AND THEN needs to be processed in the liver AND the kidney. If you’re deficient of the vitamin, it can result in rickets, a disease which results in the bones softening and the legs bowing outward. Yeah, so you’re going to need to get some sun unless you want to look like Popeye. Furthermore, some scientists have actually seen a connection between Vitamin D and the production of Testosterone. If you’re unfamiliar, Testosterone is scientifically known as the bone hormone, as in it makes you want to bone.

The More stupid solution – Get your chub on

No! No! No! That’s not what I meant by “chub” you filthy animal, I’m talking about your body…Oooooh, now I see how that can be misconstrued. Anyway what I meant was adding a little flab to your well defined Greek god body, will help you last longer. On the other hand, exercise increases blood flow, heart health and if you do it outside (the exercise not the bone-age) vitamin D absorption. All those things help increase your libido. Obesity, on the other hand, isn’t that beneficial for keeping you “happy” during the sexy stuff. So your choice: healthier heart, circulatory system and sexual appetite or being able to last for 30 more seconds. I’ll let you decide. 

Pants-crapping-ly terrifying option 1

So, we’ve left the realm of healthy happy options to help you become boudoir brute and we are now delving into the still natural, yet extremely dark realms of back-alley libido enchantment. This first solution called Love Stone, Hard Rock, Rock Hard, Stone, Piedra or Chinese Stone (if you like your drugs with a side of racism) is a “herbal” E.D. solution. The substance is black and hard (I see the innuendo there but I am mature enough to walk away from it) and is derived from the venom known as Bufotenin. If you know a bit of Latin, then you know that “Bufo” indicates a frog or toad, and that’s exactly where it comes from. It’s a toxin that toads excrete from their skin when they are distressed and when you ingest it, it produces hallucinations (on the happy side of things) and excruciating stomach cramps (on the exact opposite side of the happy spectrum). The good thing though is when you’re using ‘Love Stone’ to bring you “up to bat,” you apply it directly to your….how do I put this delicately….your toad, which is completely safe right? Have you even read the header of this entry? Its ‘pants-crapping-ly terrifying’. The toxin can dangerously slow your heart down, or speed it up, make you vomit or kill you. Not the sexiest of side-effects if you ask me. Also it’s illegal in most places, so not only could you die, but you could die in prison. But it’s all worth it for 3 minutes of sticky, awkward love making (which if you go to jail you will get a lot more of).

Pants-crapping-ly terrifying option 2

Meet this beetle, a humble little beetle with a beautiful green wing carapace, also known a Spanish Fly. Oooou! Already sounds stimulating right? Anything with a little bit of Latin flair cranks up the sexy to 11. I mean look at Banderas. The thing is it wouldn’t be fun to write about something that will innocuously help you get your…um, let’s see…beetle flying. Spanish Fly is also known by its considerably less sexy name, Blister Beetle. The reason Blister Beetles have this name is due to the fact that they produce the substance, cantharidin which can cause severe chemical burns and actually mimics, to a certain extent, the poison strychnine. And its strong stuff. Just to help you visualize, 550mg (which is around 10 matchboxes, a glass of water or a really big onion) is enough to kill a 500 kg(average sized) horse. Why is this poison part of an article about natural remedies for arousal? Because when taken internally (which you shouldn’t), it will irritate the hell out of any tissue it comes in touch with, most notably your urethra (which I refuse to explain where that is. You’re an adult and should know your own anatomy by now) creating irritation prompted arousal. But it’s all a lie! The arousal is just the result of your body sending extra blood to an inflamed and severally irritated area of the body, namely: your junk. Irritation and a relentlessly engorged member is the least of your worries (oh, sorry I didn’t mention that once you “rise” to the occasion you might have a hard time, calming “down”. And yes I saw the opportunity lost in the ‘hard time’ phrase above, but again, I’m walking away from it) you might also be at risk for kidney failure, neurological, optical and digestive issues. The strangest effect is probably developing a permanent yellow hue to your eyesight.  Oh, and as above, its completely illegal in most countries.

See Also: 8 Surefire Ways to Make Your Future Boyfriend/Girlfriend Love You

Are there any other strange remedies that you know of that help people poke each other in a pleasurable way? Let me know in the comment section below.

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