You want to live a life that would make Hemingway look like a tutu wearing pansy. At the moment you’re out of shape, can’t hold your liquor and have hands as soft as new born puppies wrapped in cotton balls. It’s time to take a good hard look at yourself and punch that stupid mirror into oblivion for showing you such a girly man.
Grow a beard
Sailors, lumberjacks, bikers and construction workers are all manly professions that demand the ability to grow ample facial hair. Ironically all those professions are also featured in the Village People but let’s just ignore that. If you can’t grow a beard go to your doctor and tell him to give you testosterone injections straight to the face with the biggest needle he has. Feel free to cry because real man-tears are full of minerals that make beards grow faster.
Punch Inanimate objects
Those soft subtle hands are great for arranging flowers but horrible for maximum manliness. Real men don’t punch living things but punch electrical poles, walls and rocks. That’s because real men punch things that are unbreakable to try and break them with pure machismo.
Drink scotch all the time
Buy a hip flask and fill it with one of the following: Scotch, Bourbon or Whiskey. Water’s for health obsessed new age riff-raff, not for manly-men. The only water we drink is of the fire variety. If your pee isn’t the golden amber of distilled wheat and burns like liquid fire when it comes out then you’re not drinking enough.
Quit your pansy job and get a manly man job
You’re a teller at a bank and unless you’ve stopped an armed robbery with the chain from the back of a Bic pen then it’s not a manly enough job. Lumberjacks, sailors, construction workers and welders are all perfectly acceptable manly man jobs on the other (calloused) hand.
Get a manly hobby
As a rule of gnarly mangled thumb, if your hobby doesn’t put you in serious danger of death or dismemberment it isn’t man-tastic. Do you golf? Use a machete instead of a club. Do you like gardening? Than upgrade your ride-on lawnmower to do 0 to 60 in under 3 seconds.
All maximum masculine men are full of telltale evidence of their adventures. Why get a pristine high quality tattoo, when you can have a ragged, raised scar running down the length of your back? The more man-arific hobbies you do the more man-gnificent scars you’ll have.
Travel to strange lands and do things even locals won’t
Every country in the world has something that is so dangerous and life threatening that even the locals say: “Hell no”. Seek these things out and do them with man-tastic flair. When in Australia, strap fillets of tuna to your biceps and go cage diving. In Africa go pet a lion with a pound of steak in your back pocket. Finally, go to Spain for a relaxing running of the bulls.
Drink some more whiskey
Just a reminder to take a healthy swig now.
Shave only with a straight razor
Nothing screams, or grunts masculinity more than shaving your face with something called a cut-throat razor. Another macho magnifying experience that can result in some awesome scars.
Be a man of honor
Even if someone with a knife, crossbow or blunderbuss is disrespectful of your partner, it is your manly man duty to uphold their honor. Let the ‘live to fight another day’ to the board breaking twits. Masculine man mountains always fight until the end. Good thing for you it will probably be short and painless especially if the assailant is carrying a gun. Excuse me while I go break some boards.
Have you restructured your life for maximum masculinity? If so let us know in the comment section below and we promise to read it in our heads in a deep booming voice.