CAREER DEVELOPMENT / NOV. 24, 2014
version 4, draft 4

How To Save Your Job If You've Really Messed Up

you had one job

So you’ve screwed the pooch, your boss is pissed, your boss’s boss is pissed, the owner of the company put a price on your head. While the best idea when you have a contract out on your life is to hide in a basement and stock pile canned food, here are some ways to keep your job if you’ve “messed” the bed.

1. If it’s fixable, fix it

Although as we stated above, if you’ve really, really messed up, it’s probably beyond repair. Move on.

2. Grovel

You probably already have grovelled, but get creative about it! Maybe consider a negotiation-grovel strategy i.e ask for a pay cut or a demotion if the powers that be haven’t threatened you with it yet. Take it a step further and ask to be their personal assistant or even their under-desk footstool/ fallen-object-picker-upper.

3. Tons of unpaid over time

Usually the gravest of workplace errors costs a company money, or money in the form of labor-hours. Offer to work for free! Sure you won’t get paid for your overtime or cleaning you boss’s gutters after work but you might get paid by keeping your job in the future.

4. The Grandma guilt trip

This demands a little more investment of time than the other strategies. You have to find your boss’s grandmother, explain the situation, and as all grandmothers she will be very nurturing and understanding. Tell them that your boss has been very mean to you. For extra effect send her pictures of your children; if you don’t have kids send her your brother’s kids (since there’s a family resemblance, use it to your advantage).  She will be on the phone faster than a drunk guy to a pizza place after 2 am.

5.  The Mom guilt trip

Best used as a combination strategy with the G.G.T. (grandma guilt trip, mentioned above) this will be the one two punch that’ll get you on your way to post mess-up job security.

6. Blackmail

On second thought, this is a horrible idea. Forget I even mentioned it.

7. Obtain knowledge that will make you indispensable

If you have a certain knowledge base that is instrumental for the smooth operation of the company, it is a good possibility that it will be too costly for them to let you go. The more exclusive the knowledge the better.  If they want you to train your replacement do it badly, so they will never be as competent as you. Not everyone knows how many sesame seeds each bun’s supposed to have, use that indelible knowledge to your advantage.

8. A head above, above their head

Although this sounds like a Victorian Era children’s game about beheadings, (and yes Victorian Era children’s games were super dark, ‘Ring around the Rosie’? It’s about the Black Plague) it’s not . Find your boss’s boss (not the one that has a contract killer following you home) and plead with them. Feel free to use any of the other techniques mentioned above.

9. Change Identity

You really have grown to like your co-workers; they’re like family to you. All families fall out of touch once in a while so don’t feel bad when you have to go to a different country for a few months. Once you’re there, enroll in school under a different name, get government issued IDs printed, maybe even a driver’s license. Get a little work done (plastic surgery) and return to your ‘extended’ family and reapply for your job. They won’t know who you are but they didn’t before you messed up either, it’ll be like nothing changed!

10. Buy the company

Most people not only hate their job but hate the company they work for. You on the other hand are an extremely loyal employee. It was a complete fluke that you happen to burn down the corporate head-quarters during a juggling mishap. You were just trying to make people smile. You never wanted to lose your job but circumstances brought it to this. Lucky for you your juggling career took off during the last few days of work and now you can buy the company. Who’s going to fire the owner? Even if he did burn down the corporate headquarters.

Have you ever been involved in a juggling accident at work? Did it cost you your job or did you manage to save it? Let us know in your expert juggling opinion below.   

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