Really? You think that people wouldn’t find a way to have virtual sex? Oh, my poor naïve child. Well, online sex is big, I mean BIG money. Recently, the founder and CEO of Ashley Madison, which is a dating site, announced a public offering and is hoping to raise $200 million. Oh, maybe I should mention that Ashley Madison is a dating website for married people to arrange no-strings attached sex. Sex sells – the dirtier the better – and as technology becomes more immersive, so is the virtual sex stuff.
See Also: The Professional Benefits of SEX
First things first
I think if we’re going to talk about this vague monster called “Virtual Reality” or immersive technologies, we need to define them first. In recent years, everyone and their brother (or lover, since we’re on the topic, which hopefully isn’t their brother; we’ll leave that to hillbillies and certain funeral-fornicating ‘Game of Thrones’ characters, wink wink) have launched, promised or actually produced a product as a virtual reality application. The Oculus Rift is obviously the most famous (and hated since it was bought by Facebook, and will probably be used for fully immersive FarmVille notifications), other companies such as Google, HTC, Nokia, Sony, and a butt-load of startups have actually made their own virtual reality headsets. For the uninitiated, a V.R. (that’s short for virtual reality, poindexter) headset is a device you strap to your head (thus the name ‘headset’) that has two small screens at eyelevel that extend, in most cases, beyond your peripheral vision. This gives the illusion that you are immersed (thus the term ‘immersive technologies’) in whatever is being shown on those tiny little screens (awwww, they’re so cute!). Other things that pair up with V.R. beautifully (like a human liver, fava beans, and a nice Chianti from what I hear) are treadmills or even huge spheres that can give you the illusion that you are actually walking in a game (see vids below). Warning: there is some violence and colorful language in the first vid. Just skip to the second one if fake violence gets you in a tizzy, you damn prude.
Bits, Bites, Tits and Tats
So, now you’ve seen those poor elders go through the entire gamut of every imaginable human emotion when confronted with this new piece of technology. Once they calmed down though, and took some of their old people pills off camera, they actually enjoyed the experience. Well, except the one that almost puked due to motion sickness. If you left even these cute elderly to their own mechanisms and if they had the capacity, eventually they would probably ask if they could put their ding-a-ling in it. Well, I wouldn’t recommend it (think of the poor cute little screens!) but there are people that actually can help you get your jollies off, even if the process might be a bit… um… how do I put this… manual. Do I even have to say this? This next vid is pretty raunchy, even if the naughty bits are blurred out.
There is already a website unimaginatively named OculusRealPorn.com that offers videos that are fully compatible with (obviously) the Oculus Rift V.R. headset. No matter which direction you look at, you’re guaranteed to get an eyeful! And that was my dad joke of the day; you’re welcome, fair reader. Although judging from the miles and miles of forums I’ve scrolled through – for research reasons, of course – there is great demand for V.R. camgirls, but as of yet they are unavailable. If we have learned anything from Rule 34, though (an unwritten Internet rule that states if you think it, the internet has porn for it), is that that itch is bound to be scratched soon and with great ferocity.
It’s not like there isn’t a market for it: adult website LiveJasmin is one of the most visited websites on the entire Internet. It receives 298.5 million visits monthly and the company is worth a whopping $13.8 million. Hilariously, the average for time spent on site is only 2.48 minutes. So much money for such a short time.
Stop crying about the lack of VR Camgirls
Maybe I can soften the no-VR-Camgirls blow with this enticing tidbit. The epically named Teledildonics is the science (is it a science? It sounds like a science. Maybe it falls under the category of boneric engineering? Yeah, I’m pretty proud of myself for that one, what’re you gonna do?) of controlling your partner’s ‘personal massager’ via the Internet. Yep, you read that right. They do it via Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and a smartphone app. Those ones are child’s play though, and usually only geared towards… huh… um… insertion, to put it lightly. A Dutch company (that’s a company based in Holland, Magellan) has created Lovense, which is Teledildonics-democratized. This specific ‘martial aid’, ‘personal massager’ or ‘female hysteria reliever’ (yeah, luckily, this isn’t a thing anymore) has both a… um… insert-y part… and… a… um… put your dinger-in part. The first generation was just a vibrating ‘pod’ (that was the most unsexy term I could think) that could be controlled via Skype connection or would sink to music but it had to be exclusively Justin Bieber so it was as non-threatening as possible. The second generation was called iMan and iLady, which I thought was hilarious so that’s the only reason I’m mentioning it. This last generation is enigmatically called Max and Nora – I say enigmatic because someone said “I would be honored to be named after a sex toy.” The fourth generation boasts a quieter ‘her’ model with adjusted beads and improved water resistance for the ‘his’ model. Why would you want water resistance in a… oh, oh God… I’m sorry I asked.
Combine for the Voltron of Virtual Sex
So, we have VR headsets, VR peripherals that allow you to move (virtually, come on, try to keep up here), and a device that will allow you to virtually boink. So, what do you think will be the next logical step? No, it’s not having a game where you control the character using Kegels. God, what is wrong with you? The next logical step is selling virtual sex. If you have a visual and physical interface (thanks Lovense), it’s only a matter of time before someone looks down at their wired up crotch and says ‘this would be more fun with another person’ and then the said ‘another person’ will say “I bet someone will pay me good money to do this”. Boom, that’s exactly how most professions were invented.
See Also: The Health Benefits of Sex
Is there anything else that you think will be profitable in the future, because of VR sex? Well, let me know in the comment section below!