WORKPLACE / SEP. 14, 2015
version 5, draft 5

Struggles at Work Only Office Couples Will Understand

It’s pretty anomalous to have a relationship within the hallowed walls of the workplace, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and the body must follow. So you’ve fallen for a statuesque co-worker, and your amorous advances have been reciprocated. You are in love, and not the type of real world love with the fighting and the awkwardness that only accidental body functions can bring to a new relationship. No, your love is of the sappy rom-com type, with montages of you and your romantic partner, sitting in a street-side café laughing and sharing a croissant. Don’t be tricked by looking through the idyllic star-struck love-goggles (which are similar to beer goggles but infinitely more nauseating to others), you are going to have a bad time when you work with your significant other. These are some of the struggles you can expect when you have a coworker love buddy.

See Also: Occupational Hazards: The Dirty Truth About Doctors

For the sake of this article, let’s assume that both individuals involved in this amorous engagement are on the same tier of the hierarchal ladder. This makes things a lot less complicated as naughty touching between supervisors and subordinates can result in: legal blowback, loss of jobs and/or poignantly hurtful office gossip.

Copulation

For those not well versed in the English language, copulation is a more elegant term for f*cking. Well here you are in throws of passionate magma-hot infatuation, and when you’re not rubbing your pelvic regions together you’re thinking about it. Now under normal circumstances you would put your animalistic urges on the back-burner for the next 8 hours of your day, due to the unavailability of your favorite pelvic region to rub against your own.

Sure you could think about your sexual partner throughout the day, but you wouldn’t be able to do anything about aforementioned urges (well you could but that’s just gross). The problem is when the person that you love and love to nakedly undulate on is constantly around you eventually your sexual appetites will supersede logic, reason and decency and you will attempt to do the humpty dance at work. This is a very risky endeavor, though. First finding a “Goldilocks” location at work for your illicit sexual congress is a challenge within its self. The server room would be too hot and erroneous bodily fluids have the potential to create a corporation wide network shut-down. The conference room would be ideal if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s constantly booked (which I guess could be an advantage if you don’t mind an audience). Finally the supply’s closet seems like it would be a reasonably ideal place; it’s secluded, off the main cubicle farm and has a locking door, but you get really freaked out by staplers lined up in row. They are like a little stapler army ready to pounce on an unsuspecting victim and induce a thousand small prick holes all over their body.   

Keeping it Incognito

Instead of treating your relationship like two consenting adults, you will be forced to keep it secret like a pair of love-struck teenagers. Instead of greeting each other with a passionate kiss, you will be forced to shake hands (without lingering obviously), instead of holding hands, you will be forced to walk next each other and feign tripping to touch shoulders briefly. It’s like being in the friend zone for 8 hours a day.

This censorship of your admittedly emetic PDA can put a strain of even the strongest of relationships, and you can expect arguments at home in the vein of “Why didn’t you give me the two finger salute (no not that one you social deviant, the boy scout type of salute) when you passed by my cubicle, don’t you love me anymore?” or “You didn’t even tell me you love me in our secret language today…are you having second thoughts about us?” Also dating someone with low self-esteem might complicate things further.

The Competition

It’s biologically ingrained in most animals to seek the best partner to procreate with, even though humans avoid procreating (for the most part) at all costs and just have sex because it feels good. The brain being the ignorant asshole that it is doesn’t know that, though, so it is on a constant mission to break up with your significant other in lieu of finding a better mate. When you’re from a backwoods town with three hundred people and 90% of the other options are close relatives, you don’t have much to worry about…or maybe you do…like I said it is a backwoods town.

But anyway, in case I haven’t made my point let me be explicit: less potential mates means fewer threats to your relationship. That dynamic doesn’t exactly hold true in an office environment, though. There is a slew of very desirable individuals that can swoop in and take your partner away from you. Some are better earners than you, others have more power and if you’re objectively honest with yourself they are all more attractive than you…why did your partner choose you again?

 Conflict Continuation

Getting into a fight with your lover can be a tough experience. It can create hostilities that result in hurt feelings, stress and occasional stabbings…I can’t be the only one…anyway, you know how they say leave your work at the door? Well, that goes both ways, you should leave your personal life at home. Or at least on the crumbly curb you park your car to engage in sinful touching. How can you leave your personal life at home or on the crumbly curb if it follows you to work? So any fight, any disagreement or blowout will inevitably follow you to work. Do you really want to spend the entire day at work getting the evil eye from your significant other? Receiving passive-aggressive memos about your inability to express your feelings on expense reports or being emotionally unavailable during strategic meetings?

Boardroom Break Ups

So the relationship has run its course, you can barely stand each other and you have become a reclusive, introvert during your time together. It’s time to cut your losses and move on. You could always leave your air-conditioned desk job to go back to being a grill cook. But you’re afraid the immense heat and popping oil will remind you too much of your ex.

See Also: 5 Ways We’re Living (and Working) in an Orwellian Society

Have you ever had an office relationship? Let us know about it in comment section below.

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