Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / JUN. 16, 2015
version 4, draft 4

Tales From the Shadow: Secret Societies of the Past that Still Exist Today

Shadowy congresses of robed elitists standing in candlelit stone windowless rooms, chanting Gregorian Hymns surrounded by skulls, swords, pentagrams, and bananas. Why bananas? Because this is my narrative, and you are just a guest, so deal with it.

Generally though that’s exactly what comes to mind when someone says secret society. But are they the scary cult-like gatherings with horrible agendas that we imagine or are they just an excuse for over-worked company executives to get together with their former frat brothers and get drunk? Here are a few famous secret societies and let’s see if we can’t find a Fortune 500 Chairman dancing the Macarena with lacy underwear on his head.

See Also: The Worst Places to Work (If You’re Afraid of Ghosts)

The Skull and Bones

This Yale institution claims many members that went on to become wealthy and powerful, most notably the Bush family. It is even said that Dabaya’s (that’s George W.’s for my non-American readers) grandfather, Senator Prescott Bush, became a famous Bonesman because he stole the skull of Apache Chief Geronimo, which is one of the organizations most treasured artifacts. Just a bit of fun trivia, the windowless stone building with Greek and Egyptian influences is called the “Tomb”. Come on that’s not ominous….OK, it’s a little ominous. Oh, wait it gets even more ominous.

The members are given secret names that other Bonesmen will know them by. The tallest usually getting the name Long Devil, and the Captain of the Varsity football is usually called Boaz, short for the Lord of the Flies. Although the Bonesmen usually have the name suggested to them, they do have a choice. Funnily enough, Dabaya couldn’t decide so he was given the temporary nickname “Temporary” but never bothered changing it.

Forgetting the shortcomings of the perpetually fallible Dabaya, the society has archetypes that they look for when they recruit, which honestly sound more like a high school movie cast than a nefarious secret society. The list included legacies (people which had immediate Bonesmen relatives), athletic captains, an acappela singer, a filmmaker, activist, religious group leader, a foreigner, a playa, a soldier and a racially diverse individual (see: token black person).

Up until 1992 the Skull and Bones would not accept female Boneswomen making it the last association on the Yale campus to do so. Even though it sounds nefarious, clandestine and occult-ish, it’s really just how rich people do things. This is an example of “in-group” theory which says, if a group has power they will try to their best to preserve it. So the most powerful get together giving them a networking head start, which ends up giving them an advantage in the business and political world.

The Biggun (trans. the big one)

Freemasons ooooh! This is one of the most spoken about, often under-suspicion secret societies of them all. Maybe it’s because they’re the oldest, originating from a guild of stonemasons that functioned as a regulatory and certifying authority in the 14th Century. Blah blah blah, you want to read about dark associations that drink the blood of virgins and sacrifice papayas to the Dark One! Why papayas, well because I’m writing this article and secondly because papaya is a fun word to say. Go ahead, say it: pa- pa- ya…

So anyway, that is one of their favorite pastimes, drinking the blood of virgins. No, seriously. Don’t you know that everything on the internet is real and completely and unequivocally unbiased? OK, so they don’t do that, but they might help theocracy even though in many cases organized religion opposes the organization. How does it do that you say? It’s one of the requirements of being a Mason because under no circumstance can an atheist become a Mason. You must believe in a higher power (and they don’t even care which one). The fact that many of its members are politicians, bankers and academics doesn’t help them keep a clean nose either. Because every time one of its members embezzles, steals or becomes corrupted the first thing people point out is: “HE’S A FREEMASON!” On the other hand, they do swear not to testify against other masons in the court of law…so yeah.

The Bigger ‘Un (trans. the bigger one)

The Illuminati, yes I went there and now I am going to be in fear for my life (according to Dan Brown, but he’s a shmuck so whatever), so I can inform you dear reader. This organisation has more fanciful myths and stories surrounding it than Mt. Olympus. Some people have gone as far as saying actor Paul Walker from the Fast and the Furious films was killed by them…as a ritual blood sacrifice and because he wanted to leave Hollywood (dum dum duuuuum).

Honestly though these guys really didn’t do a great job of not looking like a secret nefarious association. Not only does their symbol show up on the U.S. dollar bill (which the called “The All Seeing Eye of Horus” it’s the pyramid peak with an eye on it), but many people believe that hands that create a triangle between the left index finger, thumb and right index finger and thumb are another sign of the Illuminati.

For some reason, almost every and all celebrities has made this gesture, and there are photos of them doing so….its just a conspiracy theory though. Right? Guuuuuuys? Where did you goooooo? HEY! Who turned off the light….

See Also: Google Patents Chucky the Killer Doll, but Disguised as a Teddy Bear

Our author has mysteriously disappeared, but I was told to let you know to leave your comment in the section below. If you have seen Soteris anywhere let us know.

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