CELEBRITIES / MAR. 31, 2015
version 5, draft 5

The Perks of Being the President of the USA

So you’re a world leader; you get to dine with dignitaries, drink with ambassadors and make sure the world doesn’t nuke itself into radioactive galactic particles. Sounds pretty easy right? Well, it becomes even easier when you realize all the cool perks you get as a President.

OK, so we all know the Prez has an armored Cadi limo, called the ‘Beast’, two Airforce Ones (the president’s flying jet Oval Office) and a bevy of Marine Ones (which are helicopters). He/She also has a butt-load of assistants, attendants, security and a personal chef. That stuff’s kind of ho-hum though compared to these very cool amenities.

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White House Honey Brew

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This is beer that was brewed by the White House’s Chefs with honey from the White House’s own beehives and was served to the Commander in Chief’s friends during a Super Bowl Party. Oh, see there’s another perk, freakin’ unlimited supply of honey, sourced straight from your front lawn. You can bathe in it, rub it on the walls, who cares, no one’s going to tell you off, you’re the mother-frackin’ president!

Tunnels! Tunnels! Tunnels!

Seriously. There are so many tunnels under the U.S.’s Capitol that I’m almost wondering if the presidents have some sort of weird tunnel fetish. There are tunnels that run from the White House to the outside pools, from the residential (East) wing to the administrative (West) wing and to a ten story deep command bunker, in case of a Doomsday scenario. Also a convenient location to hang out at if the First Lady (or Man) is pissed at you.

If the tunnel madness in the Capitol isn’t enough for you, Camp David (a summer home for presidents) is connected via an underground tunnel to Site R (Raven Rock a command center built deep into a mountain) and construction going on will span 97.5 miles to connect Raven Rock to the Pentagon.

Raven Rock Facility

This is an expansive underground maze of a compound that is again a command center for the evacuation of executive members of the government in a Doomsday scenario. It features direct communications to multiple branches of government and military, an extensive ventilation system and a fresh water reservoir carved out of the mountain.   

Tropical Fruit craving Presidents? Not in the U.S. of A

OK, not as cool as a command center carved into the side of the mountain, but still pretty nice is the president’s availability of fresh citrus all year round thanks to the unimaginatively named, The Orangery. Because who would stand behind a woman or man with scurvy?

The exterior stone walls are still the original ones built in 1801

OK, so I thought that the fact that the stone walls surrounding the White House are still the original ones built in 1801 was pretty interesting, especially considering that the White House has burnt twice and was almost condemned in 1948.

 A China room with one of those weird round French Couches

As the President you will have your own room dedicated exclusively to housing your china collection, I’m not even kidding, this is a room with wall to wall glass cases that hold the presidential china. It even features one of those weird velvet, round, French couches, because what’s more relaxing than looking at all the plates you don’t have to wash?

Your own private subway!

Yes, the president of the United States is not exposed to people rubbing their crotches on him, or awkwardly holding a conversation to commute around Washington D.C. because he has his own private subway that runs in a very secret tunnel system and connects even more locations to the White House. On top of the subway there is even a secret train that can take the president to Mt. Weather (yet another command center for FEMA this time) in Virginia and is protected by Federal Air Marshals of the TSA.

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So how do you become president? I really don’t know, I’m pretty sure it has something to do with voting and campaigning and other Democratic stuff, but don’t let my ignorance perturb you! If you’d like to add anything else to this list of cool presidential perks, let me know in the comment section below! 

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