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WORK-LIFE BALANCE / FEB. 14, 2015
version 7, draft 7

The Professional Benefits of SEX

Sex is great; that’s a pretty widely accepted perception. In fact, all its sweaty, sticky goodness it can also help you with your career. No, seriously, there are numerous benefits to grinding the ole’ millstone, to throwing the shot-put, to plugging your ears and humming. What do you mean those aren’t sexual euphemisms? Well, feed your monkey a pineapple buddy!

See Also: Can Random Hookups Help Your Career?

Boning Can Make You More Bones

Let me get this clarification out of the way, bones are money. Boning is practicing baby-making. Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to make it awkward; I assumed you didn’t know what that meant because of how you look. Don’t cry, please don’t cry, it only makes you uglier. People that have under-sheet fun more than 4 times a week actually get paid more than their blue-balled co-workers.

Fewer Sick Days

Yep, bone yourself should be the health services new slogan because a  #@$* a day keeps the doctor away. Feel free to insert you favorite word or euphemism for sex above. Seriously though, sex releases immune-system boosting hormones, which keep you happy, healthy and horny. It’s just an endless vicious cycle of smiles and sex…

You Can Have a Longer Retirement

Well, because you’re going to live longer. Having frequent orgasms can increase your life between three and eight years. Also individuals that had more sex actually even looked younger than their peers that didn’t. So next time your significant other says: “I’m not in the mood” and you decree “You’re killing me” it won’t be that far from the truth.

The Miracle Migraine Cure

If you prone to migraines, while at the office, I have a fun cure for them. If you haven’t been paying attention or if you started reading this article from this point (which let’s be honest it’s weird starting to read something from the middle) sex is the amazing cure-all. When you do the horizontal mambo, your body releases Oxytocin, which is a pain-killer. It’s a popular street drug too, but one taboo at a time. Oxytocin is also known  as the ‘love hormone’ which is a bit cutesy for my taste, I’d probably call it the ‘bone-mone’.

Stressful Day at the Office?

It can be argued that a major plague of today’s laborer is stress. Finances, job insecurity and a competitive job market make us trembling caffeinated messes. Yet again, our topic of the day pops up (boing!) you can sex you stress away! It not only can help stress melt away with a bow-chicky-bow-wow, but it can also be a mood modifier that can last well into the next day. Maybe the ‘Got Milk?’ ads should be ‘Got Sex?’

The Reach Around

Inversely and as many sexually active adults will testify, work influences the action in the boudoir. According to psychologist, Dr. Linda De Villers, Artists are rated the highest for overall partner satisfaction, and the most prolific lovers are Salesmen. The strangest of all the professions’ attitudes towards sex (according to the study of course, not me, don’t want to piss off the IT guy) is that of the Technical/Computer Specialists who are the least likely to want to introduce a device into their amorous exchange and least likely to take ‘no’ for an answer. You’d think techies would be all about the gadgets. When you go to the hobby shop and are approached by the smiling shop owner remember this, small business owners are by far the kinkiest of professions. They are a whopping six times more likely than other professional groups to introduce whips, ropes and handcuffs into their sexual encounters. Just imagine Mr. Waller, the corner store owner, in full leather jumpsuit and a paddle.

See Also: The Health Benefits of Sex

Oh, by the way, all the O-face images in the article are actually pictures of people being tasered by photographer Patrick Hall. Gotcha! Are there any career benefits of sex that I didn’t touch upon? Feel free to put in your two cents in the comment sextion below and to follow me on Careeraddict.com!

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