RECRUITMENT / MAY. 09, 2016
version 10, draft 10

There Are Only Three Types of Employees

happy employees
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I am not a corporate anthropologist, nor have I specialized in big business sociology but I can tell you that pretty much every single employee can fall into one of these three categories. Before you jump into conclusions, hear me out and it will make much more sense once I explain it. So, this is why there are only three types of employees.

See Also: 4 Jobs With The Worst Employees

The Successful

These are the people that are just too good for you and your organization. These individuals are rare embodiments of work ethic, integrity, above average intelligence and just enough ruthlessness to make it to the top. They ceaselessly hone their skills, learn new things and grow professionally. This is the type of person that has done more by the time that you have woken up than you will do the entire day. Go-Getters, Busy-Bees, whatever you may call them, never, ever accept defeat. This is why they never stay in one place for too long especially in an organization that doesn’t allow for upward mobility or professional growth. Eventually these people succeed in taking with them the joy, hope and inspiration they brought with them. Sometimes, if you’re really unlucky, they might even snipe a few of your choice employees and take them to create a company so epically awesome you yourself would want to work at it!

The Slacker

Ironically the most uninspiring type of office employee the slacker has been featured in innumerable movies, sit coms and cartoons. Why is that? Well, because I’m the only one that can write this conversation, allow me to present you with a theory; you might want to focus a bit because it can get a tad convoluted: most people in the world fall into this category…BOOM! Am I right? Did I just blow your minds? Well, this makes further sense considering that 63% of employees feel disengaged (mean they give a bit of a flying flip about work) and 24% are actively disengaged (meaning they don’t give any semblance of a flying flip about work). If you didn’t keep track of all those percentages and numbers, basically 88% of the population falls into a spectrum of the slacker. I guess, you need the bad to truly appreciate the good like the next category.

The Soldier

This is the loyal, hard working person that holds the company above themselves and their personal needs. Sure, they ruin their marriages, relationships with their children and loved ones, but they will still soldier on, working weekends, holidays and during vacation time (which they never take anyway, the shmucks). The soldier will never desert his/her post, will blindly follow orders and make sure that everything is requested of them is done by the deadline you gave them, even if that means sourcing their meals from a vending machine for three days (and nights) in a row. You can deny giving them raises, promotions and belittle them but still they will keep coming back for more. Oh and they will also bring you your dry cleaning, if you ask nicely.

See Also: Employees’ Horror Stories from the Happiest Place on Earth

Do you agree with my theory? Let me know in the comment section below.

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