CAREER DEVELOPMENT / NOV. 12, 2014
version 5, draft 5

Top 10 Most Epic Reasons For Getting Fired

At that moment you know it’s inescapable; you’ve screwed up one too many times, called the boss a st!@# ch%^& a*% while he was standing behind you at the door amidst your wide-eyed co-workers, or got caught stealing toilet paper from the executive bathroom. You’re called to the office, told to sit down and your HR person says “Well we both know why you’re here; you know that gophers are not appropriate workplace pets.”

 1. Charging the Corporate Credit Card for the rest of a Wedding

Go big or go home and that’s exactly what this ex-corporate, yet happily married, employee did when she charged the remainder of her wedding to her Corporate spending account. Her reaction when she was fired for it? “Well my other cards were maxed out.” Solid logic there sister.

2. Being Flatulent during an Important Meeting

Sure it’s a natural bodily function, but flatulence (farts as they are known by street riff-raff and elementary school children) are pretty much always a professional faux pa (unless you work for a bake bean manufacturer maybe). Our gassy unemployment-line-filler let one rip during a very important meeting. Better off for their prospective client as the deal probably stunk to high heaven.

 3. For Smoking Marijuana, in the Company’s Parking Lot, under a Security Camera

Colloquially known ‘pot-heads’ are not known for their rapier-like wit, yet some things move out of the realm of obliviously euphoric and into the realm of ‘seriously dude?’ Such is the case of our now smoky terminee, that sat in the company parking lot before work and smoked up like his favorite 1970s rock musician. Unfortunately for him, he did it right under a security camera, and what do you think his reaction when questioned? “I rode the bus to work today so I didn’t have time to smoke in my car.” Like I said: "seriously dude?" level of stupidity.

4. Because of 10 Million Views, kind of

Yet another out of work comedian, our electronics store-come-internet celebrity in question posted a parody video that received 10.000.000 views on Youtube. The problem? That the video was about the iPhone 4 a popular product that the company offered. He was terminated but at least he’s an internet celebrity and that lasts for a lifetime, right?

5. For Stopping a Car-Jacking

Hero and unemployment check recipient? Well Juan Canales has both of those credits to his name! While working as a waiter he noticed a carless criminal trying to acquire a car by politely asking the driver to get out or get stabbed. He ran out, saved the driver and assumingly crane-kicked the knife out the assailants hand all while balancing a bowl of steaming Pad-Thai in the other hand.

6. Fired for a 50 year Old Crime

Richard Eggers was 68 years old at the time of his termination due to the untimely discovery of a crime he committed when he was 18 years old. Was his crime embezzling money for orphans’ food while using nuns as unpaid labor in a sweat-shop? Nope, he was using a cardboard dime at a laundry-matte to wash his undies. I’m not sure if it was his undies but it makes the story a lot funnier if he was fired from a job for washing his underware with cardboard currency.

7. For Beating a Team 100-0

As a role-model, society demands that you lead by example, so young impressionable children will be constructive, healthy members of society. Or you can teach them how to mop the floor with their opponents and then use their tears to dump on your coach like you would Gatorade. Micah Grimes, a girls school couch, not only beat the other girls team into utter and merciless submission (with his team), but he was unapologetic about the 100-0 basketball game landslide. I assumed that when he was fired his co-workers stood in the hall way going: “Na nan a nana”

8. For Stopping a Robbery with Personal Firearm

Devin McClean, no not from the Die Hard movie that’s McClane, stopped a robbery at his own place of employment by pulling a gun on the would-be assailant. Granted it was his personal weapon and fire arms are generally frowned upon in the workplace, unless maybe you work at a gun-store? He stopped the robbery and his career as the gun-toting furrow-browed car parts sales man. Dibs on the movie rights.

9. Dishonorable Mentions: Least Epic Reasons: For a Piece of Cheese

On our list up to now we’ve seen someone terminated for ripping one during a meeting, becoming an internet celebrity and actually two people for stopping criminal activities. Our unfortunate ex-burger slinger was terminated for putting a piece of cheese on her co-worker’s mcheartattack without charging for it.

10. Dishonorable Mentions: Least Epic Reasons: For Wearing Orange

Sure you can get fired for inappropriate attire. A group of employees at a law firm in Florida used to wear orange on payday, probably so they wouldn’t lose each other at the bar after work. After the firm changed hands though the administration considered the orange some sort of silent, yet gleefully bright, demonstration and wringed out our orange wearing employees. Get it wringed out? What a Pun-y attempt at humour, absolutely Pun-ashible I would like at this point to Pun-cuate. 

Always remember that every end is also a begining, and all that other corny sentemental stuff. Actually remember not to mess up so bad that you might end up on one of my lists in the future. If you’ve been fired from your job for an epic reason, let us know in the comment section below!

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